Deja vu seems a lot different this time around...

[Denver_2010]

Just don't see that as working either. After 5 months, why would she start giving a sh!t all of a sudden because I go dark? I see that as an opportunity for her to solidify her contempt for me by not seeing me, which she obviously wants more than anything. That will in my mind give her the cue to finally do what she wants and start the D. I think I just played my cards all wrong through this and them when I lost my job, I lost any chance to control anything.

I wish that I could see any real strategy right now that will get positive results. I am about ready to give up. Going dark, while it is probably the only thing left for me to do, will not do a damn thing in my mind.

B.I.T.S.

You may be right MJ. But you won't know unless you try it. Look at it this way... keep doing what you're doing and you believe W is dead set on D. TRY to go dark to see if it has any effect. Worse case scenerio, W still D's you. What's the difference. At least you have given yourself a chance.

BITS
Denver

[mj144]

Sure doesn't bring a lot of hope or optimism about my sitch.

[2stepboogie]

mj,

Our biggest enemy throughout this process is ourselves. Our negative feelings and emotions tend to destroy all we are trying to save.

Why should I give so much to someone who feels so little for me? I ask myself this question all the time. Then I read about the people who have made it or are in the process of making it,Bolt being a good example, and see how much better things are now than they were before and I feel as if the journey is worth the struggle.

There is no magic pill for this but you give out very good advice when you respond to others yet you fail to give yourself any hope.

The optimism for your sitch is based on some sort of time table you have placed on the M, and your hope needs to be more clearly defined.

I hope you make it.

I hope you find peace in yourself.

I hope you don't fail to see the small victories.

I hope you take care of yourself without expecting anything in return from your W, if you do she will not fail to disappoint you.

You can have hope, just don't place any hope on actions that you see out of her at this time.

As I look in the mirror I see standing a man who is lost but now is found (somewhat) my W only knew the previous man and if that is all she saw I can't blame her for not wanting to be with me. This is all she see's right now and until you become that new person that is all she is going to see.

In some cases I don't blame the WAS as much because I understand how they came to this point. I almost understand their journey more than I understand my own.

That is why it is so important to "walk away" from the sitch emotionally and start to take care of self and not worry about whether she came home and said hello or didn't say hello. It's MJ's world right now, and there is only room for one.

Today I am an emotional wreck and believe it or not I see more hope in your sitch than my own. You have a chance to see her, you have a chance to show change. I would give up a testacle for that chance but I will not get one unless I fly to OK or she comes back. My changes will have to be based on phone calls all this while she receives the D papers I sent back last week.

It’s a damn shame; but you my friend have a shot as long you maintain!

[Denver_2010]

I agree 100% with 2Step MJ. You always seem to exude hope and optimism when you are posting about others' situations. You need to turn some of that towards yourself. I believe that a huge part of this DB thing is having a PMA and BELIEVING that things really will turn around.

I think that it is easier to see those small victories, even the tiniest ones, when we are positive rather than negative.

Man, you know that I am in your corner. Just focus on being happy for yourself and your D's right now. Don't focus so much on your M situation.

I know that my last post about going dark didn't sound all that positive to you. I was just telling you that you need to apply the DB strategies and be positive about them working for you.

You will be happy again MJ. Hang in there.

BITS
Denver

[mj144]

If I were only able to see something positive. Denver, you spoke about your W not making eye contact with you, well not only don't I get eye contact, I get a contemptible look on her face while she isn't looking at me. Its as if how dare I to even pose a question or opinion to her about ANYTHING! I am treated as if I am a child. Don't speak unless spoken to and not to have an opinion on anything.

I just can't seem to grasp onto anything positive in relation to my job sitch either. Just when I see some positive, nothing progresses. I had an opportunity to interview for a great position. The manager had me scheduled for an interview, but I had to take this online 'personality' test first. I falied the f'in thing! What kind of loser am I? The guy still wanted to bring me in but he isn't allowed. I am still waiting in limbo about the job I have already had 3 interviews for. I was told when I initially interviewed on 1-7 that he was going to hire someone by the 21st. Still waiting. I keep trying to maintain a positive outlook, but all this unknown is taking a serious toll on me. I am supposed to be contacted by yet another company through a recruiter that called me last week, but still haven't heard from them. Of course I am trying to convey positives along to my W, but as I keep getting strung along, or F up an online personality test, all she is thinking is it is more of the same.

I think I am going to jump off a bridge if I don't get something this week, or at least get another step closer.

It certainly doesn't help that I have also been waiting for 6 weeks for my unemployment check. When I call the hotline, invariably all customer service representatives are busy and am instructed to call back. Well, I have been calling for over 2 weeks.

Something had got to give at some point?!?!

B.I.T.S.

[2stepboogie]

MJ,

You want to hear something funny. I was in such denial right my W left I singed up for Eharmony. I said "the hell with this Bi%^& I am dating!" I was so depressed and didn't even know it that I failed the personality test and they sent me an email saying they had no matches for me. hahahaha.

I was thinking holy hell I can't even get an internet date!

Look man the personality test is crap. We give them all the time at work so they mean nothing. I promise. Looks like some of the BITS are having a tough monday today. Take a deep breath my friend.

[zengypsy]

yeah, breathe mj. You will get thru.

[mj144]

Yeah but this bullsh!t personality test is keeping me from being able to interview for this job opportunity.

I guess I could look at it like I didn't want that piece of sh!t job anyway, right?!?!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

If it wasn't for the show You're Cut Off! on VH1, I'd really be depressed.

B.I.T.S.

[FellOnBlackDays]

MJ,
Denver is right, my man. You have tried quite a bit for some time and nothing is working. Trying more of the same will only get you more of the same. If she wants you to leave, leave. What do you have to lose? You already seem completely convinced it is over, so why not try something else? Role the dice. You never know what time apart will do. Could it possibly seal your doom? Yes, that is a possibility. Could it possibly cause her to re-evaluate your sitch and start thinking more clearly? Yes, also a possibility. Just give it some thought.

Also, stop with the stand-off. Let me give you a personal example of how I screwed up so you can benefit from it. When my W and I started having trouble, we started doing the same crap. My office is upstairs. For years, she would come home, run up the stairs and kiss me. When she started struggling with our R, the visits to my office stopped. Like a dumbass, what did I do? Get offended and the stand-off began. She would come home, not say anything to me, I would pout up in my office and neither one of us would budge or acknowledge the other. Guess what? Six weeks later, she moved out!!!

I talked to my MC about this. He said that when she wouldn't come up stairs, I should have gone downstairs and said hello. That is what she was looking for. She wanted me to take the time to acknowledge her. But, instead, I sat up there like an idiot trying to prove a point. Now, I live in my house alone. Get my message. Do something different. Next time she comes home and you are in your basement, go upstairs and greet her. You don't have to kiss her *ss, just go up and say hello with a smile. If she craps on you, so what! Do it again the next day and the next. Eventually, she will have a good day and she will come home to your greeting and you will have a nice moment that might last.

MJ, I don't know it all. Actually, I don't know sh*t. But I do know this, I have made these dumb mistakes long before you and I do know how it can end. Don't let my experience go to waste. Do it. If she doesn't respond, so what. At least you can walk away knowing you tried. I wish I would have. If I had, you may never have met me...

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[mj144]

FOBD, I know its hard to keep track of all of the different sitches, but I moved out 5 weeks ago. I was only home for my every other weekend as our arrangements were made.

I am having to move back at the end of this month due to financial strain of my unemployment. However, this is with the intention of moving out again when I get a job. Can you say confusing to the 5 and 7 yr old caught up in the mess?

As I said, just looking for something, anything positive to build on...running out of places to look.

B.I.T.S.