I guess my wife was running a little late this morning. She barely had time to say hello as she handed me our son. I did make her a to-go cup of coffee to give to her. I still can't stop doing the little things for her.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
sparks...your wife is still talking to you without venom
this is positive
you can not push her on her journey use the time to work on your own
if you are always worried about her therapy and the OW when will you have time to work on you?
certainly saving your marriage is important but in order to save your marriage you have to save you
what are you doing to save you? make you a better person? happier with yourself? more confident in who you are?
I agree. Worrying about the OW and her therapy sessions is beating me up. I need to GAL. I started off with that well, but I have been off course the last week.
In couple's therapy, should I avoid talk about the OW completely? I really want to address the OW on "the shelf" comment, but it seems that the consensus is to avoid any talk of OW at all. Even in this situation where there is also no commitment to reconcile?
I am very happy that we are getting along right now. We never really stopped getting along is the crazy thing. There has never been venom. I think I need to be thankful for that.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I would spend that valuable therapy time talking about the problem instead of the symptom
don't get tangled int he small stuff (I know it isn't really SMALL) but shelving the OW isn't what is important
it is figuring out why there WAS an OW...what areas have been missing, what areas need work, where you both are
I would maybe not pretened but pretend the OW isn't an issue...
I understand where you are going here, Figg. I understand that she is just a symptom of the issue, but with her in the picture, how can we really work on us?
I do think we need to spend the valuable therapy time talking about what happened to us. What areas need help, etc. I also get the feeling right now that my W is more interested in using therapy to talk about co-parenting. She has given a little about her feelings but not much in therapy so far. I guess I will just let the therapist do her job and lead us down the road to recovery.
I do, however, intend to begin therapy with a sincere apology for betraying her trust in checking her email and exposing the affair to my parents instead of her first. I agree that this is very important.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Had one of those big Laffy Taffy candy bars on our kitchen counter top for the last few weeks. From a recent road trip a few weekends ago that was never opened. Candy doesn't usually last in our house very long. I had offered to split it with my wife, but she said to go ahead and eat it last week as long as I read her the jokes from the wrapper.
For some reason, I decided to eat the candy this afternoon. Remember the jokes. I called my wife out of the blue (and she answered!).
W: Hey what are you up to? M: Why did the book go to the hospital? W: Ahhhh!! The Laffy Taffy! Why? M: Because he broke his spine! <Laughter out loud> M: Do you want to hear the other one? W: YES! M: What kind of bow can you not tie? W: What kind? M: A rainbow! <More laughter>
After this, she told me that her mother had just hung up on her after a heated conversation concerning us (to say that my wife's parents are very upset at her choice to have an affair with a woman while married to me and having a baby would be an understatement). After the heated conversation and the hang up, this was just what she needed.
For every time that I feel heartache (this morning her telling me that she didn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day with me), I need to find the small victories and celebrate those (the shared laughter over a few childish jokes).
It may be a roller coaster right now, but I am trying hard.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Get a few more of those laffy taffy bars and leave them on the counter, with a obviously hand made card that say Happy Laffy Taffy Day. Inside: "This is NOT a Valentine's Day card"
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Sounds like a great idea, Jack. Unfortunately, the W will not be home tonight. I have to swing by her brother's apartment to pick up my S after my therapy session. I just don't think I would be able to get that put together in time.
That would be an example of some of the little things that I would normally do in love. Like getting her sunglasses fixed last week or making her coffee to-go this morning when she dropped off our S on the way to her therapy. I call them little wins, but I have been told to be careful of them, as my W may reject them as she is not in love with me right now.
I guess I just need to be careful not to go overboard, but take the small one's in stride. Calling her for the sole purpose of telling her a corny joke is probably different then providing a greater act of service or giving a larger gift.
Like Figg's suggestion that the sentimental song book that I got her for Valentine's be from my 6 month old S instead of me and NOT to give her the card.
I just need to learn what works and what doesn't. After the sunglasses, she asked why I would have done that for her. After the coffee, I got a thank you when she returned. After the jokes, I got lots of laughs and smile on her face.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
