So.......if you have common law M's, could H be convicted of bigamy at some point? How long do people need to live together to be M'ed?
Originally Posted By: dolphin_05
H is so stupid. Ow has no house, no money, no job and unable to work due to health issues.
OW sounds like a real "keeper"! (GAG crosses her eyes.) I don't understand how if H doesn't want to be "tied down" that being with an OW who is so dependent on him could be a good thing?????????? My former BIL M'ed a woman who is disabled (for chronic back pain or something like that) and now she is a real ball and chain. She "can't" cook, "can't" clean, "can't" work because of her disability. They have separate bedrooms, yada, yada, yada............ I think that when H's don't feel good about themselves they want to be with someone who will make them feel "big". Maybe being with an OW who is not his equal makes your H feel "big"???
Originally Posted By: dolphin_05
I went on and added H to skype to discover that I had stopped him contacting me but he hadn't stopped me. Interesting
LOVE this! I think things will become tense between H and OW real fast if you start this approach.
In defacto relationships they can make a claim after 2 years and in fact, they don't even need to live together. My children's inheritance could in fact, go to her and her children. Ugh!! Somehow I think H has seen the financial contribution but not much else. I pointed it all out yesterday cos I was t the stage where I figured I had nothing to lose. I was surprised just how easily he opened up to me although some of it was justifying. He never said, "It's nothing to do with you" In fact, the opposite and he was very receptive to opening up communication, especially since he said he didn't realise he stopped it.
Ow is not the brightest girl either...so yes, she's there to help H feel good about himself. It's so silly cos H is a really intelligent person but his self esteem is shot and he's using ow to feel good about himself and ow feels good cos H has a house, a plane, a nice car (hers is a bomb) and he loves to spend money on himself.
When I see him I do try to work on words of affirmation but I have thought that the months ahead could also be a bit of fun. Last night my house alarm went crazy and security tried to work with me to reset it but no success. I text H and he rang me back and he said he would come over tomorrow and fix it. How perfect! Now ow will have no idea but I feel sure that she;ll be snooping around and checking his phone and pc when she can.
How long were you dark before your most recent convo with H? H may be more attuned to you now when you interact.
I think that when I went dim after my D, it taught my XH that I wasn't willing to wait around for crumbs. Even now, I'm pretty dark in between our weekly TT games. Jody says that being dim/dark between contacts at this stage heightens arousal when it occurs ala flirting. Those positive contacts will be perceived as more novel in their day-to-day lives with OW which have become more routine now.
Last we spoke was beginning December. He sent a few emails and texts and each time I let them go and responded much later and then only responded with the basics like, "Yes, thanks" or "thanks for letting me know."
I think yesterday our conversation would have conveyed that I'm not willing to put up with his games anymore and I know I sounded upbeat and confident.
I like what Jody has suggested re being dim/dark between contacts and it makes sense. That will be a challenge for me as I seem to be an all or nothing person.
And life will be fairly routine as well cos ow and her son will not have much money so they'll always be around the house.
........ being dim/dark between contacts and it makes sense. That will be a challenge for me as I seem to be an all or nothing person.
Yep. I know what you mean! I'm the same way. XH and I have never really exchanged harsh words, no name-calling, and no swearing at one another.........EVER. That's just who we both are. We always enjoyed chatting back and forth and still do.
I think that once you get to the point where you KNOW that you are OK with moving on if you have to (note, I wrote "moving on", not "moving forward") your attitude changes a bit, you are willing to take more risks with H (like I did when I began flirting a lot with XH), and you turn the tables on them.
We always enjoyed chatting back and forth and still do.
Likewise. We used to talk to each other several times a day but it got lost along the way and now H is really quiet and reserved (he was always this way and I was the more social one) but he does share quite a bit when we get into convos.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
I think that once you get to the point where you KNOW that you are OK with moving on if you have to (note, I wrote "moving on", not "moving forward") your attitude changes a bit, you are willing to take more risks with H (like I did when I began flirting a lot with XH), and you turn the tables on them.
Moving on noted! I'm feeling ok with this cos I know I have a lot to look forward to with my career and I am setting myself up very well in that regard. That will provide the direction I need. I am more secure in career than I have ever been. My health is on the upturn, thanks be to God. I have wonderful family and friends. I am at the point where I am feeling happy and positive and thinking what do I have to lose here? At this point H is lost to me anyway.
H has been here this morning and fixed the alarm. The interaction was very comfortable. he is still the husband in some ways.
S called this morning and he told me H has a couple of options up his sleeve once D has her licence which include moving for work. I'm wondering if that's the point that he has made with ow, telling her he may move on at that stage.
How about swimming? My mum knows H may be there and she says she's fine. I was thinking it was a shame Mum will be there but it could be good cos H will see she has no malice towards him. That's not til April so I should manage a couple of positive interactions by then anyway with darks in between.
My mum knows H may be there and she says she's fine. I was thinking it was a shame Mum will be there but it could be good cos H will see she has no malice towards him.
Yes, I think you are right about this ^^^^^^^. I was quite pleasantly surprised that my sister had e-mailed XH earlier this week without telling me about it, but I see that as a sign that she has begun to accept him in my life more and more. She has been speaking in more favorable terms about him recently. This is important in reconnection. My sister told me that she wrote to XH that she is sorry his mother was given 6 months or less to live and wrote to him about how difficult it is to lose a parent (our mother passed away 5 years ago).......... so her letter was more than just 2 lines. I think this sends an important signal to them that they could be accepted back into our families again.
Did your H have a good R with your mother? If so, spending time with her could be a positive.
My parents and my brothers all loved H and when I was sick they were just so grateful for his care of me because they didn't cope very well and H held it altogether (well at least on the surface!)So when the A was revealed they were all so hurt and devastated and there's been minimal contact since. However, when h and I were getting along well last year Mum said she was keen to move on. More recently she has been upset again with his December temper tantrum but she seems quite fine with him being there again. I think it will be tense but it could then smooth things and H amy see that the barrier there is not as huge as he possibly thinks. He seemed to be receptive about seeing my family at S's 18th but my parents were overseas then and one of my brothers refused to come. He has had quite a bit of contact with the brother I am closest with (and he was closest with).
Dolphin, I am an oldie but goodie, and your inquires tripped the switch and I logged back on. That, and my good friend Yellowrose.
You asked about sucess stories. I may be one in the making, but I want you to see something from my POV. I had been waiting around for 4 years. Endured a premature return and eventual D, that he wanted. We are now in a R, that IS better than it has ever been. Most of the time I am quite content. BUT (and yes I have a big BUTT) Now that I am here, I am seeing some of my constellation stars that are helping me navigating my way though this falling out of the sky. If you think you are scared now, wait until you have invested (now) 5 years and everything is going great, and find out that that the happy ending is not the end of the story? When the navigational route is litered with the broken pieces of your friends that have been sucesses? Don't get me wrong, I am very happy now, in R with XH (yes, X.)that is awesome and moving forward.
My point it this.
Sucess is down the road. No matter what path you choose, no matter what happens to you on that path, you will be OK, even better, GREAT! That path will have so many , "am I doing the right thing? "s your will think you are climbing the Alps.
That is the legacy of what we are going through.
I have another great friend here on the boards. Her sitch is entirely different. Her H has not been able to pull the trigger on the D, with 2 failed attempts on his part. He is 5 yrs + in his MLC, progress home is not evident to date, but there has been progress. Is Bookpusher less or more happy than I am? No. She has been seeing people on and off, and living a life that is full and meaningful. She is happy. Sometimes better off than me.
So, now that the big metaphors are all gone, You will be OK. Know this. Whatever happens in your sitch you will be happy, and in a R withsomeone that wow's you. You keep doing what you think is right. Do what is good for you and your children. The more you drift away (detach) from her, the more she will feel it. Will that make the difference? No. It might, it might not. But you will be better. You take care, OK? That is all we can do, and from my POV that is success. Doing all you can do, and finding that you can make your own happiness again. Hoolly. By the way, do you know where I can get a dancing pole? Mine broke along the way.....
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
