I have kept myself incredibly busy over the past weeks and life is good. My health issues are gradually on the improve and I'm enjoying my new work although I really miss my colleagues from the last place. It's new and interesting and a wonderful learning experience (just there until June).
I have so many replies to type and I will get to them...sorry I've been so slow getting onto them.
I have been strong and moving right along but lately I've felt flat and I have missed the contact H and I had been having. I wonder if it's just my reaction to ow moving in or if I'm tired or that I do just miss him. I know that I am feeling sorry for myself being alone all the time. I have lots of friends and wonderful family but there's a gap. I wonder if H ever feels it or does ow really fill that gap? I suspect she doesn't.
S told me ow is paying towards house expenses so H thinks that's a positive. Ow usually lives 25 mins away so I'm guessing she has taken her son out of his school and into a closer school. She'll try to stay with H and that failing she'll stay in this area. Ugh, I don't want to bump into her while I'm out!
H has continued with his plans to take D out driving etc but of course, she won't be able to stay at his place anymore. I wonder if he'll miss that. It's certainly not going to help H's relationship with D.
I'm going to breakfast with my friend at a beachside cafe tomorrow. That should help me move out of my funk! Happy weekend to you all.
Thanks for your thoughts on ow moving in with H. I must say I didn't see anything too positive about it. My Mum also said that this will put greater pressure on the relationship and it will fizz. However, i'm not so sure. They've already been together 4 years.
In my previous thread I said that d told me that H had a new job, had ow move in with him temporarily and had suggested he would go to the major swim meet at Easter.
Yesterday, after I posted, H emailed to tell me stuff about our financial settlement, to ask if it was ok if he attended swimming and to tell me he had a new job. I replied briefly and said I would always support his involvement with the kids, congratulated him on his job and clarified a point on the financials. Overnight, i had another thought re the financials and I text him to see if we could chat briefly about it. He replied that he would call in after taking D driving.
Observation of self...... I felt really different when I saw him and realised the space since december had allowed me to detach further from him.
We had a fairly frank conversation and he told me (but not necessarily in this order); -wondered why I hadn't been in touch and when I reminded him it was cos he had told me to leave him alone, claimed he didn't remember. I think he says things in heat of the moment but doesn't mean them so then doesn't remember them. he agreed with this. -ow had moved in cos the house she rented had been sold in a week and she needed somewhere to go quite quickly (well done ow. you finally got what you so wanted) -he figured it was ok by D since she never really stayed with him anyway (just justifying his actions) -that ow was contributing to his household costs _that the arrangement was only for as long as it was working and the most important thing was his peace and if it wasn't working to his satisfaction they had to move out -that H wasn't paying for ow or her s in anyway -that ow's son has gone to school nearest his house I told him of a couple of times I would be away and wondered what would happen with D then. He said he would stay at my place if that was ok with me in May and then I said I also had a trip away scheduled for september and he said he wasn't even sure if ow would still be there then -he said I didn't know the arrangements H and ow had made and mentioned his house rules (he's had a couple of other borders and he gave them sets of rules) -told me about his new job and schedule and that he had committed to it for 6 months -talked to me about swimming carnival and said he wasn't 100% sure if he could go but was looking into it. Ow would not be going cos of course D wouldn't like it. (Ha, ha D doesn't like her living with her dad either but that didn't bother him) -said he would prefer if we could sit together at swim meet. I said my mum would probably be present and he said that was fine (surprisingly Mum was ok with this) -Said he still wanted us to do things as a family like kid's birthdays and ow was not going to be 'in charge' of him, he was his own person. I said so if I invited you to dinner like last year you'd come? He said he would if he was free and wanted to. _ said he was still going to come to fix the blinds he hadn't done in my house since his last assistance to me some months ago
Think that's about it...... he had been out with d for 2 hours and then was here for another 2 and is out with d again tomorrow.
Wondering what MIL would say given that she thought ow was perfect for H cos she didn't pressure him.
Now I think I have two choices.....A. stay in touch with H which is bad for me cos I then get tangled up in thinking and analysing again but could be good cos it may put some pressure on his relationship cos H might think ow would be fine with him being around me but we females know that wouldn't be the case!!! B. get back to being dim
It was almost as if he has agreed as she had nowhere to go and he sees the benefit of the financial contribution, so a win-win but forgets the long term could be incredibly costly.
Interesting developments. I don't have time to write much right now, but I wanted to post about this (below).
Originally Posted By: dolphin_05
Now I think I have two choices.....A. stay in touch with H which is bad for me cos I then get tangled up in thinking and analysing again but could be good cos it may put some pressure on his relationship cos H might think ow would be fine with him being around me but we females know that wouldn't be the case!!!
I must confess that when GAG has been in an evil frame of mind (bad attitudegirl, a.k.a. BAG) she has used this same approach to drive a wedge between Mr. GAG and GF#2. It will be much more obvious to your H's OW how much you are in his life if she is living with him. It sounds as though your H feels entitled (was he this way pre-bomb?) and will probably tell her that he can do whatever he wants to do.
I just posted on Mila's thread about how at the times when my BAG persona took over, I would take pleasure (in a detached sort of way) in attracting my XH to me. Those BAG occasions have not been too frequent but they have still moved my situation forward. My point in sharing this with you is that I don't think you HAVE to be emotionally drawn into H's drama if you are spending time with him. You can DB in a mechanical way (i.e. act AS IF). If H warms up to you and ditches his OW, you will then be in a position to choose what YOU want to do...........Just another way to think about this...........
Apologies for my poor writing above. I really need the edit function!!!
One other thing H said was that ow would never try to make a financial claim against him. I thought OMG, are you kidding. Surely you don't believe that?? I said, "yes, just like I never would have imagined in a million years we would be sitting here and discussing our divorce" Silence!
I must confess that when GAG has been in an evil frame of mind (bad attitudegirl, a.k.a. BAG) she has used this same approach to drive a wedge between Mr. GAG and GF#2. It will be much more obvious to your H's OW how much you are in his life if she is living with him.
I have had this exact thought. We haven't spoken since early December but he was still reasonably comfortable and it didn't take too long for him to warm to the conversation. And I had also thought that h will want to assert his control so going out without her will be his way of staying in control.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
It sounds as though your H feels entitled (was he this way pre-bomb?) and will probably tell her that he can do whatever he wants to do.
It seems like he felt he was hurt during M so now he definitely feels he is entitled (hence the difficulty negotiating with him financially). I am sure he's told her that he will be living his life his way. The way he spoke it was almost as if he saw this as a bonus cos she contributed financially and he could continue to live as he wished.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
I don't think you HAVE to be emotionally drawn into H's drama if you are spending time with him. You can DB in a mechanical way (i.e. act AS IF). If H warms up to you and ditches his OW, you will then be in a position to choose what YOU want to do...........Just another way to think about this...........
Think I get what you mean but probably need you to elaborate here GAG on the Act as if...... Then again, they've been together so long could there really be any point.
It seemed as if there was an out clause at about 6 months somehow cos he was fairly def he would need to stay at my house with D in May but not so sure about Sept and he's committed to his boss for 6 mths. This is also about the time D will be due to get her licence and he is the one doing most of the driving with her. I'm wondering if he has a back up plan in the pipeworks.
GAG, yes we do! H is so stupid. Ow has no house, no money, no job and unable to work due to health issues.
Just thinking, if I go with Option A I could invite him to dinner for my birthday...after all I went to his. And I could reinitiate our skype contact cos I'm sure ow will be snooping around a bit.
GAG, yes we do! H is so stupid. Ow has no house, no money, no job and unable to work due to health issues.
Just thinking, if I go with Option A I could invite him to dinner for my birthday...after all I went to his. And I could reinitiate our skype contact cos I'm sure ow will be snooping around a bit.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl I don't think you HAVE to be emotionally drawn into H's drama if you are spending time with him. You can DB in a mechanical way (i.e. act AS IF). If H warms up to you and ditches his OW, you will then be in a position to choose what YOU want to do...........Just another way to think about this........... Think I get what you mean but probably need you to elaborate here GAG on the Act as if...... Then again, they've been together so long could there really be any point.
I meant that there were times that I went through the motions of being especially sweet and attractive to XH with revenge as a motive (don't think XH could tell the difference between these times and the times when I was genuine which was most of the time). I did this when XH did something thoughtless that got under my skin, I was irritated, and wanted to mess with his head and to sharpen the contrast between me and GF#2.
