Forgot to mention. Couple days ago she comes to me with the title to her car. She didn't know it was in my name. She seemed a little uncomfortable with that. I just signed it over to her - no big deal.
Later that day she comes home all excited. She got a new UF Gators tag normally around $340, but since she had a couple of outstanding old tags, she got the new one for $130. Told me all about it, all smiles.
When I first mentioned the new TV to her, she was fine with it. But later she came up to me and seemed uncomfortable and inquired if I expected her to pitch in for the TV. Of course I said "No". In light of the pending D, I just wanted to know if she'd think it was an extravagance. Put her mind at ease.
She seems "suspicious" of me and my motives, especially concerning money and property. She has to realize I will try for the best settlement I can get?? Doesn't she??
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Sandi about appearing taller with H: "It didn't bother him.....it was me and my insecurities."
I see.
So it could be when we first met and dated and married, W was somewhat insecure?
In hindsight W did show up with plenty of baggage, what with her mother divorcing her father while she was still in HS and then she divorces her first H after a very short time.
Don't get me wrong, I had my own baggage, but I am not talking about me right now.
I did say above that I thought the heels and respect correlation might be a little silly. Because of the timing, it is I believe however another indication of her WAW syndrome.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I grew up in a very "traditional" society where people assumed the boy would be older than the girl he dated or married. Back then, you just never heard (or at least I didn't)about a man M to a woman 5-10 yrs older than him! Now days, people just think, "Hey, good for her!"
Along with those assumptions, there was a certain "picture" or look for a couple. You know, the tall young man and his petite young lady. He's looking down at her as she stands on tiptoes for his kiss. As I said, I was self-conscious of my height and had always wanted to be short and little and look up....way up....into the eyes of my date. Didn't happen. I even had a couple of dates with a guy that was considerable shorter than me. I really liked him. Great kisser, too! But, it was "me" that was too hung up about the tall height being on me instead of him.
If I had to place a bet......I'd put it on the fact it was your W that did not want to draw attention to herself being taller than you. Whenever she wasn't seen "with" you, as a couple, it wouldn't make as much difference. I think when we get to be middle age, those things aren't that big of a deal anymore. Add that into her WAW syndrome, and you can take the factor of your height out of the plan altogether.
(hugs)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If I had to place a bet......I'd put it on the fact it was your W that did not want to draw attention to herself being taller than you. Whenever she wasn't seen "with" you, as a couple, it wouldn't make as much difference. I think when we get to be middle age, those things aren't that big of a deal anymore. Add that into her WAW syndrome, and you can take the factor of your height out of the plan altogether. (hugs)
Thanks Sandi. That helps. Of course these days she's "never" seen with me. It's so weird. I don't know how she can stand living here.
I'd say her WAW syndrome also has some MLC aspects to it. Otherwise there's no explaination how a seemingly moral person can forsake their faith and promises and pursue R with OM before at least giving LBS an ultimatum to try and mend the M & R.
I can only guess she's been secretly wanting to escape for an undeterminable length of time, to which I was blind - ignorance is bliss as they say. That's what happens when you take somethings for granted, though the blame is only half mine.
Like I said earlier, I have opened the cage, both literally and emotionally. Let's see how far she flies.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle, everyone says my H is a fine, upstanding, family oriented man. Grew up in a very Catholic family, always was proud of being a family man, loved being with friends who were family men as well. Goes to church every Sunday.
And yet, same thing happened.
I see him trying to find every reason or justification in the world that what he is doing is not wrong.Then he turned around and just decided to take all the blame - a victim of circumstance. Once i even saw a scribble of his in a notebook "how can it be that something so wrong feels so right". I also have read somewhere that some people believe that if they are in love, it cannot be wrong, and they have to follow the dioctates of their heart.
They know it is wrong, but infatuation is a very strong emotion. Have you ever been in that state before? It is the "you and me against the world" feeling. Morality, spirituality, reason, logic .... all gone.
But we all know that infatuation fizzles out. There is no way it will stay that way forever. A person would crash and burn keeping up that feeling inside them.
Patience, Pickle. Opening the cage certainly is a good decision, i would say. Right now, let her fly, and take care of yourself and your family. She wll have to find herself and asnwer her questions.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
About the height thing: I agree that its not meant to be an insult or a direct show of disrespect. Its a sign of her changed priorities. My mom is taller than my dad, and she loves heels. At first she avoided heels, but as their M matured, she started to wear them more, I think because her attention shifted from wanting to pleae him to wanting to feel good about herself. My dad never did mind; in fact he seemed proud that a tall woman would fall for him!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
W has definately turned a corner as far a increased communication goes, but I suspect it might be a bit of a show for the kids. It's only in front of them it seems she talks to me. We havn't had a private conversation in months.
My intuition senses she is just not comfortable and is trying real hard to make life appear normal. I could be wrong, you know, just reacting emotionally, bacause of my own discomfort with the whole sitch and my "expectations" of how normal people should react to their own "sins".
But I have a strong notion that I am right. The other day I approached W and asked, "Have you talked to your lawyer and told her we are ready to wrap this up?" She said, "not yet." As the D day apporaches, stubborn as she is, W will force herself to be happy about it, while underneath will lie a tinge of curiosity about my readiness to "wrap it up".
I on the other hand I find the most discomfort in being in limbo - $hit or get off the pot! Divorce or reconcile, It's him or me etc etc. I guess that comes from detaching. I will not allow myself to be hurt or angered by anything she says or does any more.
I was praying yesterday and I got the strangest message yet: "You'll be happier when you are rid of her." I hope that means the present version of her and that she is changing in time. I'd hate to think God wants her out of my life literally. Then I thought, it's true, I will really am happier when this present version of MLC W is not around all the time. We'll see. Let go and let God as the saying goes.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I on the other hand I find the most discomfort in being in limbo - $hit or get off the pot! Divorce or reconcile, It's him or me etc etc. I guess that comes from detaching. I will not allow myself to be hurt or angered by anything she says or does any more.
Pickle, IDK when I feel this way it seems more like the resentment stage of grieving than detachment. I cycle and I think most of us do.
Be careful of giving ultimatums during an emotional state.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
[quote=InAPickle] I on the other hand I find the most discomfort in being in limbo - $hit or get off the pot! Divorce or reconcile, It's him or me etc etc. I guess that comes from detaching. I will not allow myself to be hurt or angered by anything she says or does any more.
This EXACTLY how I feel
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
Didn't happen. I even had a couple of dates with a guy that was considerable shorter than me. I really liked him. Great kisser, too! But, it was "me" that was too hung up about the tall height being on me instead of him.