It's me that's cycling!

[seeking answers]

Happy Birthday Cas! I hope you have a special day for a special lady!

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I think your birthday may have been a few days ago....

Since it's celebration time, Happy Birthday to You!!

I have been thinking about you all night and hoping a wonderful evening was had by all.

Update as you feel like it.....

As Seeking already said, Cas you are a very special lady, I have confidence that things will work out well for you.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hello and thank you for the very kind birthday wishes GAG, Seeking and Sanderika. My birthday was Monday. In answer to your question I had a lovely birthday GAG and I did do something for me. Last weekend my BFF and I went to a local mountain area for lunch and browsing at the shops; lots of jewellery and craft type shops. We had a lovely day. Then on Monday D and I had dinner with my parents which was as always, great. H text me and emailed birthday wishes but the dinner invitation didn't come until a few days later.

Before dinner update:
I was thinking that if ow is still around and is still living locally H isn't too worried because my car would be in his driveway and it would be seen quite clearly from the main street.

H sent me a message to ask for my dinner request and I gave a suggestion since he asked but also said anything he prepared would be wonderful. I offered to bring food/wine and he said it wasn't necessary.

I went there about 10 mins late so that I didn't look too anxious. As D was there I didn't want to look too dressed up so i opted for smart casual and wore a black top that D had seen me wear but H hadn't. I chose to wear a ring and a bangle that belonged to his aunt before she passed away. I love them both and as the aunt was my age when she passed they are quite fitting. I had new perfume which I had been given for my birthday. So I guess I scrubbed up ok without being too formal. I didn't want to overdo it as H has been very casual in dress since ow.

Anyway on arrival, first thing I noticed was that H was dressed in a shirt the kids had given him for his birthday (I selected it). He looked more dressed than I have seen him in a while. The house looked as I remembered it and I noticed a water feature and a wall hanging which ow had given him were still in the same place so that was a clue of her ongoing existence. This didn't really surprise me but I did wonder why I had been invited. Cynicism did kick in but I let it go.

To begin, conversation was quite limited and I felt a little flat; I've had so much work lately and a big night out last night with friends for a hen's night so I was quite tired. I thought to myself, "This is hard work and I don't know if I can be bothered." Conversation was waning. Then something happened and conversation seemed to click and we were right; not flowing but comfortable enough.

H had some beautiful wine which he opened and when he went to pour again I stopped him as I had to drive but he suggested I could get a taxi rather than drive. (Hmmm, i thought, he's not worried if ow sees my car there all night) He offered to bring my car back in the morning for me. His house is not too far from mine.

Dinner
Dinner was delicious and was the meal I had requested. H made a second meal of it for me to take with me as well. He checked to be sure I was enjoying my meal. He gave me a bottle of wine for a birthday gift as well....... very safe and impersonal but the first birthday gift since the birthday after he left.

Conversation
Conversation during dinner was pleasant and really quite a cosy family situation. H asked after my family and a couple of friends and told me he had been in email contact with one of my brothers; the one he (and I) is closest to. He told me a few things about his family voluntarily (usually I have to ask after them). In the conversation there were a few little practical care indications like checking I had flood insurance and suggesting I was working too hard and to be careful with my health. Twice he randomly asked me if I was alright/ok throughout the evening. When he asked about work and I told him I was feeling quite tired and run down he said that he had noticed I was looking a little pale.

In the dining room I noticed a new photo frame with photos of the kids and H's family. No indications of photos of ow.

Post dinner
After dinner I headed to the bathroom and D said she had to get something from her bedroom. She came out from her bedroom as I left the bathroom and whispered, " The portrait is gone!" Ow had had this tacky portrait done which she gave to H for his birthday a few years ago and it had been hanging in H's bedroom. D said the hook was still there but the portrait was not!

After dinner, H suggested a movie. He chose one that I had suggested when we were getting along well a few months back. He seemed quite relaxed.

H called the taxi when I indicated it was time to go......six hours after I had arrived. Unexpectedly, the taxi came really quickly so it was a quick departure. I kissed his cheek and said thanks, and he gave me a hug.

So, what's all this mean? Well ow is gone so this is something to celebrate!! Is there a replacement in the wings? Maybe....they say men never leave one without having another lined up but that wouldn't explain my invitation tonight.

Overall I would say H was quite comfortable and even though he had been up since 5am he was the one who suggested the movie at 9pm.

So the next step? Who knows! Tell me what you think. Do I just wait to see if he bothers to issue another invitation?

Goodnight all and thanks,

Cas

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

Wow! Lots of small, forward movement, all in one evening!!!!!!!!!! I will give you the standard reminder first........."H moved toward you last night, so don't be surprised if he pulls a way for a bit"............... now on to the debrief (GAG rubs her hands together, to signify her anticipation).

H was dressed in a shirt the kids had given him for his birthday (I selected it). He looked more dressed than I have seen him in a while.

This ^^^^^ shows effort and forethought on H's part. Is it possible that H remembers that this was a birthday gift from his family? If so, I'd say his wearing it wass thoughtful.

I noticed a water feature and a wall hanging which ow had given him were still in the same place so that was a clue of her ongoing existence.

It's possible that he just LIKES these items and that's why he is keeping them but that they don't hold sentimental value for him.

when he went to pour again I stopped him as I had to drive but he suggested I could get a taxi rather than drive. (Hmmm, i thought, he's not worried if ow sees my car there all night) He offered to bring my car back in the morning for me.

I agree with you that THAT ^^^^ is significant.

H made a second meal of it for me to take with me as well.

Another thoughtful gesture. Making a meal is a fair amount of work. It would have been easier for him to just take you to a restaurant, but he didn't.

H asked after my family and a couple of friends and told me he had been in email contact with one of my brothers............In the conversation there were a few little practical care indications like checking I had flood insurance and suggesting I was working too hard and to be careful with my health. Twice he randomly asked me if I was alright/ok throughout the evening. When he asked about work and I told him I was feeling quite tired and run down he said that he had noticed I was looking a little pale.

More movement forward..........

In the dining room I noticed a new photo frame with photos of the kids and H's family. No indications of photos of ow.

More movement forward..........Did H have photos of OW framed at his place before?

D.....whispered, " The portrait is gone!" Ow had had this tacky portrait done which she gave to H for his birthday a few years ago and it had been hanging in H's bedroom. D said the hook was still there but the portrait was not!

THIS ^^^^^^^^^^ I think is pretty significant, especially since the hook was still there (D is a good little detective ). If the hook wasn't there I would think it was possible the portrait had fallen because the hook came loose from the wall and the portrait was out being repaired.......Interesting.......

So, what's all this mean? Well ow is gone so this is something to celebrate!! Is there a replacement in the wings? Maybe....they say men never leave one without having another lined up but that wouldn't explain my invitation tonight.

I agree that it sounds like OW is gone. She is probably trying to get back into his life but if their break up was rancorous, her attempts will probably only serve to irritate him.

I think that NOW is the time to soften up toward H a bit. He will be looking for something to fill the void left by OW and your going dim recently. If you don't fill that void he will find someone else who will. ..........Interesting. Once again I think that you and I are in a similar situation with respect to our OW/GF's having recently left the scene. It's hard to know how to proceed,.......or to know whether we actually DO want to proceed..........The way I look at it is that this will be the final push for me. If my XH doesn't make significant forward progress this time (I have a 6 month timeline in mind) I am really fine with moving on. When I told Jody (DB coach) a couple months ago that I suspected GF#2 was gone or on her way out, she said that NOW was an opening to try to move things forward.

I've spent a lot of time reading and re-reading the part of the book "I Do Again" by Jeff & Cheryl Scruggs in which Jeff writes about what he was thinking and doing during the time that he changed from refusing to consider reconciliation with Cheryl, to the time when he knew that he wanted to M her again. I'm going to post this on my thread, hopefully today.

Sorry this was so long. I've been busy too and have chosen sleep over posting recently.

GAG

[seeking answers]

Wow Cas!

I'd say keep your expectations low and see what happens!

I'm glad you had a nice time!

[goodattitudegirl]

Sanderika,

I have been thinking about you even if I haven't had time to post. Recently I have been feeling a bit low and so have decided to go to bed at a time that allows me to get a full night's sleep, rather than skimping on sleep to find time to post. I have been reading everyone's threads though. There are times at work, when I catch a few minutes to check in, that I want so much to reply, but just can't possibly do that since my clinic days are always quite busy.

Around here everyone is really tired of the snow. I think we still have a good 12 inches on the ground and there is another storm in the forecast next week....so far it looks to be moving south of us.........but everyone around here has severe cabin fever. Ughhh!!!!!!! ...........so do you still have snow on the ground where you are? Did that storm last week dump a lot of snow on you? I think your part of the world is north of us, but I'm not certain what your weather patterns are like.

I just went back through the posts on this thread looking for your most recent update. How are things in your situation? In your situation I can't believe OW has been around so long. Is it possible that she has someone else on the side? Why else would she be OK with your H's slow movement toward D and movement toward reconnecting with you and S?

Thank you VERY much for posting on my thread. I appreciate your insights MORE than you know. I will reply on my thread soon.

Sending you warm wishes for a BIG winter thaw and spring around the corner!

GAG

[Sanderika]

Cas

I think the evening was wonderful. I am beaming with joy at your celebration with H and D. Under the circumstances, I think it is a gigantic positive leap forward.

I mirror much of what GAG has already said.

It appears to me that H was trying really hard to put on a truly wonderful birthday for you. It would make sense to me that he did so out of genuine love and admiration for you. He went to a lot of work and thought just for you

It would be very nice and appropriate of you to send H some more thanks and gratitude for doing what he did, keep it warm and real (don't pour it on too heavy). Perhaps you could open the bottle of wine with your "take home" meal and then call/email him to reaffirm your pleasure with his choice.

OW IS GONE. With that being said, H is now free of her controlling eyes and ears and can think about HIS wants with a clearer mind. IMO, H chose to think about you, H chose to do a wonderful birthday for you. I think this should be taken for what it is and not to be analyzed looking for any negative motives. Remember they only do what they want to. Your H wanted you to have this evening.

I think this is when we can make something happen or drive them backwards. AND this is where it gets really hard to make the right decision on behavior and comments to keep them interested in pursuing a reconnection with us. For me I keep a distance and am reluctant to go out on a limb because I do not want to be jilted and hurt. I have doubt that I am doing this right. I cannot help being very reserved.

HIGH FIVE to daughter for her oh so sneaky peek for the photo!!!
I love it!!!

Other than a second thanks from you, I think it would be appropriate for you to go on his leads for now. Let him come out of the tunnel at his own comfortable pace. Let him be the initiator/pursuer, I feel you will be hearing from him.

After reading your debrief, I have a feeling H had a great time with you, after all he kept the evening going on with more wine and a movie. It will be interesting to see what transcribes when H drops your car by in the morning.

(((((Cas))))) BIG Hugs To You!!!!

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hi GAG, Sanderika and Seeking, Thanks for your generous responses.

I will give you the standard reminder first........."H moved toward you last night, so don't be surprised if he pulls a way for a bit"...............

I'm ready! I still have this detachment in place and I'm thinking that's healthy, esp given the history of warm, warmer, cold.

Is it possible that H remembers that this was a birthday gift from his family?

Yes, he actually made comment that this was one of the shirts he had been given later in the evening.

Did H have photos of OW framed at his place before?

No, just the portrait

I agree that it sounds like OW is gone. She is probably trying to get back into his life but if their break up was rancorous, her attempts will probably only serve to irritate him.

He did get a text at about 10pm. He went off to check it but didn't say who it was. i imagined it being her at that late time.

I think that NOW is the time to soften up toward H a bit. He will be looking for something to fill the void left by OW and your going dim recently. If you don't fill that void he will find someone else who will.

I think this is when we can make something happen or drive them backwards. AND this is where it gets really hard to make the right decision on behavior and comments to keep them interested in pursuing a reconnection with us. For me I keep a distance and am reluctant to go out on a limb because I do not want to be jilted and hurt. I have doubt that I am doing this right. I cannot help being very reserved.

Wow Cas! I'd say keep your expectations low and see what happens!

I'm hearing you on this. I think the required skill will be in not pursuing but being receptive in my responses but H may also sit back since he has made an initiation and see what I do. I will again be very busy with work this week so this will ensure my enthusiasm is kept in check.

The way I look at it is that this will be the final push for me. If my XH doesn't make significant forward progress this time (I have a 6 month timeline in mind) I am really fine with moving on.

I'm with you on this. I can't wait around too much longer. It seems I've outlasted ow and clearly he enjoys my company or there would be no invitation and he obviously wanted the company or he wouldn't have initiated the movie. After the movie he offered tea/coffee so again, no push out of the door, even though it was late.

One other thing I remembered was that H was particularly sweet when D decided to go to bed. He said, "Would you like me to tuck you in?" and she said yes so when she was ready she called out to him and he went into her bedroom to kiss and hug her goodnight and switch off the light. It reminded me that he used to do that for me too before we lost our way.

I think on reflection I saw quite a bit of the old H last night and I liked seeing that side of him re-emerging. Then my cynical side emerges and I wonder if it will be gone again next time. I somehow doubt it.

It appears to me that H was trying really hard to put on a truly wonderful birthday for you.

I think he did it all in a very casual way.....like the wine as a gift. he was saying here's a dinner for your birthday but it's just a relaxed, casual thing and it was set up deliberately relaxed so that I wouldn't have expectations of anything further. I get that. It really was a 'let's just see how this goes' thing. Of course, I can see that H does have genuine care for me, no doubt, but I got a real sense of him just sitting back and getting a 'feel' for things.

It would be very nice and appropriate of you to send H some more thanks and gratitude for doing what he did, keep it warm and real (don't pour it on too heavy). Perhaps you could open the bottle of wine with your "take home" meal and then call/email him to reaffirm your pleasure with his choice.

I thought I would drop him a little note later in the week. Last time I did that he sent me a thank you text but I do like your suggestion, Sanderika and I probably will text him to thank him for the 'take home' meal.

HIGH FIVE to daughter for her oh so sneaky peek for the photo!!! I love it!!!

She's good! And now she'll be looking for more clues if I know her!

Now I'm about to bake before H and D return with my car. I always bake Sunday mornings so D will not think this strange but I will make H's favourite cake and I want it ready when they arrive.

Hugs and thanks once again for your collective wisdom.

Cas

[seeking answers]

Cas,

You are a wise woman! Nothing better than having wonderful smells coming from the kitchen to bring back good memories!

I truly hope this is the beginning of your H emerging from the tunnel.

Good luck!

[dolphin_05]

Not much to report following on from sat night. On Sunday H returned my car and I took him back home. We chatted but he was quiet (but not unresponsive). He took some cake with him.

Tonight a friend called and I briefly told her about the invitation to dinner. She asked if H had been in contact since and of course, he hadn't but I really hadn't expected any contact. I got off the phone and returned to my mac to do some work and there was a skype message from H. It was about D but he did ask how I was at the beginning. That was interesting as well because he hasn't skyped me in over 3 months. As I said, nothing much to report.....