Separated with 50/50 custody of an infant

[sparks14]

Sorry for the 2nd thread. I posted this in the separated forum, but that one gets very little traffic and no responses so far.

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My W moved out to her own apartment down the street from our home last Saturday and signed a six month lease to start. She is in the middle of self discovering herself, our relationship, and her sexual orientation. (She had a 10 month affair with OW that ended last month.)

We have a 6 month old son that we take 50/50 custody with. Switch every other night, so I see my W often. There is also a need for daily logistical calls and texts pertaining to this. We get a long great and are very friendly when we do see each other.

When she moved into her new place, she said she wanted it to be very accessible for me to spend time with our S as far as his bedtime routine, etc. I told her that I did not want to impose on need for space, and she agreed to make it just a day or two a week when I don't have him.

We also have couples therapy once a week. Not to mention that we have a weekly "no R talk, no stress" dinner that we try and schedule once a week and both enjoy. These sessions and dinners are my chance to really show off my 180s.

With all of this contact, how do I give her that space? How do I properly detach? Are these contacts positive for us? Is it too much? If negative, how can it work?

Thanks!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

With all of this contact, how do I give her that space?

Is she complaining or does she seemed bothered by a lack of space? If so you can scale something back. If not? Why change it?

How do I properly detach?

Great word 'dettach'; a catch-phrase that means something different a lot or a little to everybody.
What does it mean to you?

To me it meant my wife's bad day, bad attitude, bad whatever, I did not or did my best to not let it impact my day. And her good day, good attitude, good whatever, I enjoyed for the moment but did not expect it to continue.

But what is your deffinition?

Are these contacts positive for us? Is it too much? If negative, how can it work?

This is where you monitor the interactions. Not with an emotional eye, but with a logical one. Heck I read up on body language to help me out.

You should be able to determine if it is positive, or too much...and not just for her brother, if it is too much for you? Back it off a bit.

If it is negative you'll have to adjust it somehow in order to get it to work.

[sparks14]

Thanks for the response, Jack. Let me see if I can answer some of your questions.

Is she complaining or does she seemed bothered by a lack of space? If so you can scale something back. If not? Why change it?

I believe that space was a key factor in her wanting to move into her own apartment. She wanted the space to figure out her needs and feelings. She had overstayed her welcome living in her brother's living room, so she had no room to think and act on her own. She could have come back home in this situation, but I know that she is not ready for that at this time. I think each of the reasons we see each other is important right now, so I am a bit confused on how to give her the space she needs.

Great word 'dettach'; a catch-phrase that means something different a lot or a little to everybody.
What does it mean to you?

To me it meant my wife's bad day, bad attitude, bad whatever, I did not or did my best to not let it impact my day. And her good day, good attitude, good whatever, I enjoyed for the moment but did not expect it to continue.

But what is your deffinition?

It is such a catch phrase around here. The three elements to DBing that I have been working on the most are 180s, GAL, and detach. To me, the detachment is something that has been enforced on me here by many others.

It means less text messages and phone calls for no reason but to check up. No more doing the little things out of love that I had become so accostomed to doing like small sentiments. It means letting her breath instead of making those actions or speaking those words that push her away.

These are some of the factors that I have been gaining here. If they are different for everybody, am I on the right track?

I see your definition was more about not allowing your W's behaviors influence your attitude. I seem to be almost seeking the opposite with mine.

This is where you monitor the interactions. Not with an emotional eye, but with a logical one. Heck I read up on body language to help me out.

You should be able to determine if it is positive, or too much...and not just for her brother, if it is too much for you? Back it off a bit.

If it is negative you'll have to adjust it somehow in order to get it to work.

It has been difficult for me to take a step back from the emotion involved in these interactions and instead study the interactions from a logical point of view. It is strange how that works. I am a very logical person and W is typically more emotional. It is almost if the tides have completely turned.

I gather from your thoughts that I need to figure out if these interactions are too much by stepping back and looking at them from almost an outside view.

Am I on the right track?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

That is how I did it, it helped me.

Emotional responsesaren't inheriently a bad thing. But here? In this? This is mostly all logical do's and dont's.

The GOOD emotional responses tend to be very few and far between, and most errode at good DB pratices.

The words difficult, hard...
Yes, man I wasn't a robot when I got here, I'm not a robot now, I know there isn't a switch. However, just because it is hard, or difficult...look there is a reason people keep saying to not be emotional involved with interactions, and it isn't because it's fun to tell the new guys this.

It's because it helps you.

[sparks14]

Thanks for the response, Jack.

W has always had a struggle with my logical thinking. I seemed to have an answer for everything based on logic. For all intensive purposes, my main role in my career is a logical problem solver. W never felt on equal ground. She hated that I could not involve her financial affairs even though I was the numbers person, and she was afraid of them. She hated how I had to research anything I purchased of significant cost.

This has been one of my 180s. I have been trying to act on emotion and on a whim. I have actively listened to her. I have been choosing to let her make decisions without a struggle from me regardless of how I think they may end. I am taking logic out of it.

I guess that is why I have so much trouble detaching the emotion interactions. There have been a couple times in the last few weeks where my W actually told me to quit being so stoic when in the face of a difficult situation for us. She would come in for a big hug, hold me, and tell me that it is okay to cry. I hated that, because that is of course what I would begin to do.

I don't know if this is just a test, if it is what my W is really seeking from me, or if she is simply trying to urge me to take down my defenses and be sad in a sad situation. Only my W knows her intentions.

I do agree with you concerning taking a step back and looking at the situation from the outside in regards to detaching. I will continue to work on it.

[tank]

Sounds like you are on the right track. I would recommend that you do not drop your guard to easily.

What you need to do is continue with your 180's, do the opposite of what you would normally do. If your wife expects you to be logical all the time, be spontaneous. maybe at one of your dinners, suggest something completely off the wall for you to do.

Any positive interaction is good interaction. If she enjoys these diners etc. then make sure you are enjoying them as well.

The biggest thing for you to do is GAL! Get out there, maybe join a fathers and babies class. There are all kinds of those and you will meet lots of new people. Focus all of your time on your son and enjoy these moments with him. Let her see what a good father you are.

you are doing great so far. Keep it up.

[sparks14]

Thanks, Tank. Great advice. I will keep up my 180s and GAL.

I checked into local single parents groups and have found some. Lots of Dads out there. I will see if I can meet up with them sometime.

Fathering my child is something that is so important to me right now. I know that she has noticed how well I am doing with our S, since we separated and went 50/50. She has mentioned them in couples therapy and has told me what an amazing father I am. One of her frustrations was my inability to really help when my S was a newborn. It is our first, so in my mind, I had no idea what I was doing or how to help. So you could say that the turnaround from the last few months has been a huge 180.

We have our weekly dinner tonight with our S. I am going to be my upbeat, positive self.

[tank]

You be the best you that you can be. Have fun, and be upbeat.

I hope the dinner goes well and you all have a good time.

One step at a time.