Today is OK

[Lost Rabbit]

Sanderika well wow what a turn up for the books! I am so so pleased for you hun that it fabulous news, that judge was one in a million and posed exactly the right question at the right time, also your H needs full on validation for finally standing up and admitting he doesnt know a rock from a hard place especially infront of the judge.

Well tomorrow will be another day, and the main task is to find a good C, your totally right about getting one that wont have their view coloured by H's behaviour as reported via you.. I wish you luck finding a good one. Do the DB councellors have a list of recommended ones anywhere, or are they DB councellors over the country, I dont need to tell you how right it has to be, ours was rubbish and gave H carte blanche to leg it rather than work on our marriage!

Well squillions of hugs to you, its only the fact my laptop is on my lap Im not dancing round the lounge in celebrations x

[goodattitudegirl]

WOW!!!!!

Sanderikinator! You're like the Terminator! You just keep coming back! What an inspiration to us all. I logged on while at work thinking that your post could be bad news given H's avoidance of you since his vacay. What a delightful surprise! So happy for you......and I have to tell you that it gave me an extra spring in my step today.

I agree that finding the right MC is tough. Here is a resource that I think may be very helpful for you. Check out these websites:

--www.drbilldoherty.org/
--www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/

I see at least one M-friendly therapist listed for your state, but don't know how close you might be. Check to see if the person you're considering has published anything and read it to get a sense for their perspective.

Also try looking on the Smart Marriages website. That is a very pro-M website.

Hope this helpful.

GAG

[Sanderika]

Thanks you two.....

Rabbit and GAG, do you really feel this is a good thing for us?

Is this a really good sign that H is truly emerging?

I have hopes that it will pan out perfectly and be just the thing we need to turn the corner.

I have huge reservations that H will be open minded enough to give it a good old fashioned effort.

I have new reasons to be apprehensive. I need to muster all I have inside to be logical and respectful and work through this with grace being very careful not to speak for H about what I think is going on inside H. I need to let H represent his own choices and behaviors, and own them. I am such a do'er, I like (love) to step in and rescue all......

GAG, I am going to google your resources immediately

(((((Hugs)))))to you both....Thank You, Thank You!!!!

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Rabbit,

I have already emailed a contact to DB requesting names of pro-marriage counselors in Southern Maine in hopes that they have such a list.

Thank you so much.....

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hello Sanderika,
I logged on this morning hoping to get an update from you and like GAG said I was a little apprehensive about what I was about to read. What a turn up for the books. It seems H was absent because he was guilty about his trip away and uncertain what he was feeling. Clearly it wasn't a dream holiday or he wouldn't have shown such doubts in court.

Good luck in finding the right counsellor. As already said, it has to be the right one! Good luck in tracking him/her down. I'm sure you should do well through DB and GAG's suggestions are good, too.

I like your challenge to let H guide the sessions and for you to sit back a little. That's kinda challenging for a fixer!

Good luck Sanderika and well done on your resilience!

Cas

[courageous wife]

Sanderika!

All I can say is WOW!!!!

[dolphin_05]

My update:
The Acts of service continue.....fried rice coming today.

Texting, skype messaging and emails. One email today was very sentimental about children and when I commented during skype he commented how lucky we are to have such wonderful children.

I am letting H initiate.

H has booked to come to see D swim. My Mum will be there, too. This is HUGE. I think H will use this as a gauge.

Cas

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

Yeah! It sounds like things are building slowly. Good for you for being SOOOOOO patient. I'm PROUD of you! It must be somewhat hard to wait for H to initiate, but this way you will know that it is his choice. When is the swim meet at which H will see your mother? I agree that H is probably planning to use this as a gauge.

Thanks for your update! It helps the rest of us to see how reconnection occurs.

I like your reply to Sanderika. You always have good insights on things. What you said about her H's actions after his vacay helped me to think about my situation differently. Thanks!

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Cas, Yeah! It sounds like things are building slowly.

I think SLOWLY is key here GAG. I think this is all H can manage and to be honest my insistence that OW be gone put us back quite a few steps and has ensured that we are at very slow. H has acknowledged this and he says he doesn't want either him or me to go through the upset I felt last weekend. I have to work very hard at keeping my emotions and anxieties in check now so that he doesn't feel overwhelmed.

H is working very hard with D. He's been studying with her and driving her to school so she can sleep a little later. Tonight they are going to the football together. The other night I was driving back from work and he text me to tell me D's maths exam result. That was a first! he would have been delighted because he had been studying with her and she got 100%.

I can see the AoS are efforts on his part to reach out to me. His interactions with me on skype/text tend to start with inquiries about D. They are not overly personal. However, his efforts to reach out indicate some connection, I guess. Last night he text me quite late and then apologised because he didn't realise how late it was.

Good for you for being SOOOOOO patient. I'm PROUD of you! It must be somewhat hard to wait for H to initiate, but this way you will know that it is his choice.

I am so impatient but I don't see there is another choice here. H insists that I need to listen to him and accept that this is unfolding as it should. It's hard to leave him in charge when he's totally stuffed things up in so many ways over the past few years. He knows I'm an impatient person (in this regard but not usually) and he also knows that I am not sitting here waiting indefinitely. He says he understands that. Like you say GAG, it is his choice to initiate and then H can't say I pressured him. I think in his mind, once he steps over that line to 'working on things' with me, there's no going back because of our children and family and friends. He knows it has to be right so that's why he has to take all the time he needs now. All his fears need to be lined up and faced.

My fear is that this gives him time to 'chicken out' again but I certainly don't want him if he's not absolutely sure this is right for him and us. I am just tired of the limbo again and fearful, too that I am investing more time for something that may amount to nothing more than being civil (and hurt again)

When is the swim meet at which H will see your mother?

Mid April. Given the fact that H has mentioned my parents numerous times, that H always had such a positive relationship with my parents until the A (and he acknowledges that it's up to him to fix this) and that I have a very close bond with my parents(they live 5 mins away so I see them all the time) I think this time will definitely help H's decision one way or another. Mum and H will have 3 days together cheering on D.

I like your reply to Sanderika. You always have good insights on things. What you said about her H's actions after his vacay helped me to think about my situation differently.

Thanks GAG, I'm glad something seemed to click for you. I always see others as insightful and wonder how I could not have recognised what they saw!!

Nearly time for a new thread. Need to think of a phrase that aptly sums up where I am at (and Sanderika too)

Thanks once again for your support GAG.

Cas

[Lost Rabbit]

Well its beginning to look like slow steady positives all round!
At the risk of pointing out the obvious it was not listening to our H's that got us all in this mess in the first place.. the only thing they dont teach you in marriage school is how to listen, what to listen too, and when to action on it.. I know some people go to marriage classes but they dont cover all of this..

Cant emphasise enough that slow is the way to go.. I know certain other forums jest we are all waiting too long, but when people used to ask me why I hadnt dumped H I used to say I was playing the long game. Mind some peoples idea of long is different to others, but they dont know each individual case and in the cases where spouses are really being taken the tiddle out off they probably right! Hang in there girls I really believe you are all going to start reaping some benefits soon!

I know mine was a reasonable short "long game" compared to yours but two years of my life certainly went up in smoke..

But the good news! H and I had a weekend away and Im not sure who he is anymore lol! Hes gone all romantic on me, car doors opened, little sneaky kisses, more ILY's than I can shake a stick at.. Dinner last night I laughed and said we must look like a couple of teenagers making out not a couple who had been married for twenty five years and been together over thirty.. He is enjoying his hobbies but making sure he keeps me happy with quality time first or at least plans some so I have something to look forward too instead of being resentful. So all is well in Rabbit world and I really am keeping everything crossed that you ladies will be doing the same soon x