GAG - this just proves how much he values you and needs you beside him...the two of you have come a long way...I know that you know this but I'll say it anyway...no expectations...this is a very emotional time for both of you (((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thanks for the "no expectations" reminder. I actually think that X-SIL may have wanted me to sit with the family because her H will be officiating. BMF will be there to support XH and I will be supportive to both, but I'm guessing my role is to support X-SIL. Nevertheless, if GF#2 isn't sitting with the family, it says that XH is comfortable having me sit with the family and doesn't care what GF#2 thinks if she's even still in the picture.
CW, thank you for your support. It means a lot to me.
Leaving for the funeral in about 20 minutes. I hadn't counted on arriving so early (30 minutes) but that's what I need to do now.
Just got back from X-MIL's memorial service. Spent almost 2 1/2 hours there. MWD would be VERY proud of me! I DB'ed the entire crowd (except XH.....I didn't interact with him much........he was busy talking to people). I even waved and exchanged verbal greetings with XH's 1st W. I only had one little wobble. I had an opportunity to ask someone if XH was dating anyone and I took it. I'll explain that later.
I saw no evidence of a GF today. (YEAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!) There were about 50-60 people there and I didn't really get to see everyone, but there was no blonde woman (GF#2 is blonde) hanging on XH's arm. No one was hanging onto XH's arm, period. BMF's XW was there, dressed casually which seemed kind of odd. She smiled at me but made no attempt to speak with me so that was interesting. I've wondered if GF#2 was a friend of BMF's XW since they have sons the same age and live near one another (sons were probably in the same school system). I knew most of the people there and many of them came up to me to say how nice it was to see me again and how wonderful I looked. XH and his sister had assembled "memory boards" with tons of photos of their mother taken over the years. There were several photos that included me or were taken while XH and I were together.....so it was really nice of them to include me in that. When X-SIL got up to speak and give thanks to people there who had helped them with their mother she included me and started choking up when she said that I had brought home-cooked favorite foods for her mother in an attempt to get her to eat. BMF was there. This is what his face looked like. I would imagine he wasn't too happy to know that I was with XH at his mother's the evening she passed away. We shook hands but other than that didn't interact. He was kind of on the periphery, taking photos. He didn't join many of the conversations.
Two exchanges were particularly noteworthy. One was with X-SIL's H, the minister who officiated today. He found a time to approach me in private to tell me how much he respects how I've conducted myself. He said that 6 months after he and X-SIL were M'ed she told him she wanted a D (this is her 4th M; they have been M'ed 14 years now). He looked at me and said "They (meaning X-SIL and XH) just have the need to run. There's something in them that makes them feel the need to do that." I looked at him and shook my head in agreement. I said "There was really nothing that happened that couldn't be worked through."
The second exchange was with a long-time female friend of X-SIL and XH. She is kind of like a sister to them. I haven't seen her in almost 3 years, but we spoke on the phone about 1 year after the bomb. I saw her right after I walked into the building and we began chatting. We were standing in a private area and no one was around so she began telling me that whenever XH comes to her place to visit she always asks him "Where is GAG?". XH once lived in her house for 6 months and became close with her neighborhood friends (it's a close knit group of friends). This friend said that whenever XH comes to visit the neighborhood (they have an annual Christmas party) her friends and their H's all tell him that he should be with me........Wow! So that surprised the heck out of me! I imagine she was exaggerating at least a bit, but I had no clue that other people were actually holding XH's feet to the fire about what he'd done.........So here is a case in point demonstrating that people who are not in MLC-land notice when the LBS takes the high road. Taking the high road is a pretty uncommon thing to do and we all know it's NOT easy!.......but it does set you apart from most everyone else who has been left........This woman also told me that she has told XH a number of times that if he ever considers "getting physical" with me, that he should only do it if he intends for it to be more than just physical........I saw an opening to ask if XH was dating anyone so I took it. This female friend said she didn't know. I said I was just curious. I thought he had been dating someone but wasn't sure. She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I had joined a D support group (didn't tell her it was DB'ing) and that we all were learning a lot from one another about what is important in a R and looking at ourselves to figure out how we had contributed to problems in our M's and working to fix our issues. She asked if there were any good guys in the support group (think she is wanting to meet self-actualized men) and I said that there were and how wonderful it is to get the masculine perspective from these fellas.
It was so wonderful to see many people whom I haven't seen in a long time. They were all very friendly to me with the exception of BMF and BMF's XW. I would imagine now that they have seen me they will be asking XH in the future why he felt compelled to D me.
One more thing.........as I was writing this, XH texted me "Thank you SO much for everything.......we couldn't have made it to today without you. :-) " I replied "It was a beautiful service! I'm sure your mother is very proud of you both. Thank you for including me. She is very special to me."
Today turned out MUCH differently than I ever thought it would.
Another first! Just as I was finishing the last post, I received a phone call from XH to chat about the memorial service. We chatted for a few minutes and then he invited me to come over to his house (I've never been inside before) to visit with his sister since she is a bit wound up. He said that he is spent and will probably be upstairs and won't come down........said he'd told BMF that he wanted to be alone this evening........but said I am welcome to come over. I accepted.........so I am going to change my clothes and go visit with X-SIL at XH's house.
Yes, what a day GAG! Lots to report here. I think I need to re-read and absorb all you have written but it all sounds so very positive! We will definitely need to de-brief!! : )
Just got back from XH's house. I was there ~2 1/2 hours. It was my first time inside. It is smaller than it looks from the outside but cozy. Only saw the first level since XH and BMF were upstairs the whole time. It looks about 1/2 to 2/3 the size of our previous (my current) house. Makes me wonder if that's why it is difficult for XH to come to my house? When I told X-SIL that it was the first time I'd been in her brother's house she said "I know. It's about time." Makes me wonder if she is trying to engineer a reconciliation? We talked girl talk......talked about R's, about her and her H (sounds like they're happy). I'm very glad to hear that they are happy. XH always likes to put a negative spin on his sister's M. At one point I told X-SIL in a very matter-of-fact way "I love your brother...........and I really loved the man I was with." Bad DB'ing, I know. I didn't say it in a starry-eyed way like a lovestruck schoolgirl. I said it like someone who is stating fact and knows that the person they love may never be capable of returning their love.
I am SO glad the day is over!!!!!!! I was pretty stressed out going into this day, but I really think that things turned out better than I could have possibly hoped.
It is very interesting that GF#2 was no where around. I think that their R can not be all that serious if she was not at the service.
There is something I'm curious about. XH told you that he told BMF that he wanted to be alone. Did BMF just come over anyway?
XH inviting you into his sanctuary seems like another positive step forward!
I am so glad for you that the day turned out better than you'd hoped. You helped give your XMIL a lovely send off. The fact that you were there to do that will mean the world to XH and XSIL.
Sounds like you did an excellent job in a difficult situation, GAG. I hope (no expectations) that this gives XH some clear thinking time, with no distractions like BMF.
I agree with the others that your level of expectations must remain at NONE. This day was so much better than any of us could have imagined.
You are loved and valued by this family and especially by Mr. GAG.
I think he knows exactly how much you mean to him and he is going to make sure that he doesn't push you out of his life again. You will be seeing a lot more of Mr. GAG
GAG, now take some time to breathe and recharge your soul. Prepare for the next encounter with Mr. GAG!!!
(((((GAG))))) I want the very best for you, you have done a marvelous job at DB. Keep it up girlfriend, you're so deserving of happiness and everlasting love.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I DB'ed the entire crowd (except XH.....I didn't interact with him much........he was busy talking to people). I even waved and exchanged verbal greetings with XH's 1st W. 
I only had one little wobble. I had an opportunity to ask someone if XH was dating anyone and I took it. I'll explain that later.
XH and his sister had assembled "memory boards" with tons of photos of their mother taken over the years. There were several photos that included me or were taken while XH and I were together.....so it was really nice of them to include me in that. When X-SIL got up to speak and give thanks to people there who had helped them with their mother she included me and started choking up when she said that I had brought home-cooked favorite foods for her mother in an attempt to get her to eat. BMF was there. This is what his face looked like. 
I would imagine he wasn't too happy 
to know that I was with XH at his mother's the evening she passed away. We shook hands but other than that didn't interact. He was kind of on the periphery, taking photos. He didn't join many of the conversations.
