I only hope I've been doing "the right thing". I trust that the kids are physically safe, but emotionally...
And I mean that more specifically from an environmental perspective. W went to a social Saturday night with (enabling) gf and husband, OM35, some new guy I don't think I know, and I don't know who else. Enabling gf left her two kids at the house as well while they were at the social. D13 also had two gf's over. All under the "watchful eye" of FS16. I didn't want to ask D8 because it's not her responsibility to have to worry about these things. Anyhow, enabling gf and her husband, OM35, and new guy all stayed over because... "they were too drunk to drive home".
Without a doubt, it's the "right answer". But my question is, why is W bringing drunk people into my kids home. Alcohol is playing a huge factor in W's "new life". This is what my kids are learning over there. I am saying that I don't feel alcohol is a bad thing, drinks with friends, going out and having drinks, etc. But exposure to excessive use of alcohol... this is a bit of a rowdy bunch when they're drunk. Enabling gf also has sexuality issues based on her childhood. There's serious boundaries being crossed, here. I don't know where the "sober adult" is in this equation, to protect the children and reduce their exposure to this environment.
But here is what I know. Financially, I am getting closer to go to court and get an interim order or final order on custody. Also, W is finally going to seminar which instructs parents on the effects D and Sep has on kids. I am hoping that she will get value out of that.
And through the seminar, maybe she will change her tune. And once I am financially able, I will ask the courts to help. And also, I'm hoping that as time goes on, the pressures of being a single parent will drive her to send the kids to me more often. Hopefully more often when she goes out and parties.
I will apply your instructions, Forest. And I will post back here.
oh, and so my time with the kids is being effected by W's incessant need to control as well as these social outings by W. My time with kids is currently sunday at noon until tuesday morning. Well, D8 is those times, D13 just visits on sunday.
I am instructed by W to pick kids up from afternoon bday party, @ 4pm. OK, no problem, although Sunday is my day with kids, so I should have been the one to schedule the bday party. I would have had them go most likely, but W is controlling my kid time by making arrangements and not discussing with me, first.
I also get into a bit of an argument with D13 because we're out shopping and spending time together, and D13 is "irritable". I find out later in the day, D13's reason for "acting out" is because she's tired. I ask "did you go to sleep again at 5am?" She winces... then admits that's why she's tired. So again, W's social calender and child care have affected my "quality time" with kids.
Then, I find out that W went to enabling gf's house for her S13's bday party. WTH? My kids are good friends with their (now) S14. They should have been there, too. Instead, W goes alone (well, with FS16, who is also a common friend to S14). OM35 is also friends with this couple and likely there, but that's irrelevant already.
I think, "where's the logic in that?" I could have had the kids on Saturday, then they could have done the evening bday with W.
And later in the evening (which is when I find out about evening bday party), D13 says "FS16 is here to get me". I say "what? why is he here? I would have taken you home." And I finally find out that W and FS16 are here because they're getting back from bday party. D13 also tells me that was the plan and was confused that I didn't seem to know the plan. Again, I'm emotional and angry in the presence of D13. I profusely apologized to D13, telling her that I was not privy to "the plan" (W's plan) and she accepted. She gave me a big hug before leaving. I know it matters to her and I'm sad that I can't control those emotions with her, but sometimes I confuse it with what I know D13's manipulative (teenager behaviour) nature can be. This one wasn't about her. My bad and my apology appeared to be well received.
I will send email to W this evening to tell W that I am aware kids missed out on bday party and that things could have been different had I known and we made alternate arrangements for kids.
The timing is important as it uses what should be an emotionally trying seminar W is attending today to stress the points that this is about the kids and how (better) communication between W and myself could have allowed for better arrangements for kids.
This is a draft of what I'm planning on sending to W later today. Maybe I'll send it in the afternoon, while W is still at seminar, so she can discuss this at the seminar if there is an opportunity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey,
I found out last night after you picked D13 up (I wish I had known you had planned to pick her up), that they missed out on gf's D14's b-day party.
Just thinking how the weekend could have been planned different had I known things that affected the kids.
D13 was irritable yesterday and I finally found out on our way back from the city that she was tired. I found out it was because she had gone to bed at 5am. No big deal, but it was just sad because being tired affected our time together, which could have been better.
Had I known about gf's D14's b-day party, we could have arranged for the kids to be here either Friday or Saturday, and then they could have went with you to gf's for the evening on Sunday.
Hopefully we can work this stuff out better in the future.
My Name"
~~~~~~
Actually, I might send it late morning. Give her a chance to digest it while she's processing the information from the seminar...
I was looking for thoughts, although I'm quite confident to send the above as is, now. Having reviewed it. I think I'm careful not to touch on W's social calender, and staying focused on this being kid focused. Which to me is the important part.
I found out last night after you picked D13 up (I wish I had known you had planned to pick her up), that they missed out on gf's D14's b-day party.
Just thinking how the weekend could have been planned different had I known things that affected the kids.
D13 was irritable yesterday and I finally found out on our way back from the city that she was tired. I found out it was because she had gone to bed at 5am. No big deal, but it was just sad because being tired affected our time together, which could have been better. I'm sure we can both agree that she needs more sleep than this, and this is not what's best for her. Please make sure in the future if you're going to be out past midnight that there is another adult at home to supervise the kids, or let me know and I'll take them or make arrangements for them at my place.
Had I known about gf's D14's b-day party, we could have arranged for the kids to be here either Friday or Saturday, and then they could have went with you to gf's for the evening on Sunday.
Hopefully we can work this stuff out better in the future.
I could have been more assertive and I could have also used it to discuss my misgivings about flow over at the house, after parties or during parties at the house.
But those assertions will be for later communication. For now, between the seminar today and my email, she'll have lots to digest and think about.
I could have been more assertive and I could have also used it to discuss my misgivings about flow over at the house, after parties or during parties at the house.
But those assertions will be for later communication. For now, between the seminar today and my email, she'll have lots to digest and think about.
Your lack of concern for your kids, and your total passivity and unwillingness to do anything about it, is, quite simply, alarming.
I'm intellectually involved in W's seminar today. Just a reminder to myself that when it's something that she's going through, I think about it and worry about it. Yet when it's something that I'm going through, there's no indication that I was even a consideration... meh... no matter, just thoughts...
I will have no expectations of what W gets from the seminar. Things might be no different at the end of the day. But I do hope... that she gets good value out of the seminar.
I don't want to sound conceited, but maybe W will begin to understand how she controlled parenting (and our M) from day one.
The seminar talks about balanced parenting and could be applied very effectively in parenting by M couples as much as it applies to parenting by S or D couples.
I did not see your responses until now, Starsky. Some delay in forum postings for some reason.
Thanks for the input. I might have made changes to it, had I not jumped the gun.
Truly, this is a work in progress for me. I have always been passive or passive / aggressive. Being more assertive and stating my opinions more openly has always been a challenge.
I really do appreciate the input of everyone here. I am learning and will make changes to act more accordingly.
Not an excuse, I take responsibility for this and should have been more... better... as a H and parent. When I became involved with W as she was exiting her abusive relationship (with bio father of D13), I "gave" a lot to W and S13 to allow them to work through their issues. There was a co-dependency that I worked hard to reduce. I was successful to some degree, but could likely have been better.
But allowing that relationship (not being "stronger"), I set precedence to how W would control parenting and M concerns and arrangements from day 1.
My bad... I have learned and will continue to learn and BE better.
