Yet when it's something that I'm going through, there's no indication that I was even a consideration... meh... no matter, just thoughts...
Those are your assumptions....
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I will have no expectations of what W gets from the seminar. Things might be no different at the end of the day. But I do hope... that she gets good value out of the seminar.
No expectations ? Really ?
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I don't want to sound conceited, but maybe W will begin to understand how she controlled parenting (and our M) from day one.
Kaffe....
Maybe you can see how YOU were controlling , and are still trying to control this....
She has been pretty clear what her expectations of you (as a parent) are.
It is up to YOU to be a parent..
It seems she took over parenting, because you chose not to.
And now, you come in riding a white horse, trying to tell HER how to parent your children ?
I would be pissed too...
Your email that you sent....read it again, and then read Starsky's version. Then think about the differences between them.
Once again Kaffe.....I ask you...
What is your focus ?
What are your goals ?
Unclear goals , and unclear focus lead to unclear, inconsistent actions...
It's bizarre how I "know" this stuff, I have learned it many times before, years before, yet still it's not integrated in ME.
I'm working on it.
W called me during lunch break from seminar... I took the call...
W indicated that what she's already "learned" is that we need to do a parenting plan. I validated and thanked her for coming to that realization.
W indicated that she's now more "clear" about my role as parent. That it really struck home last Sunday (the first that D8 stayed over), where she says she went to her room and cried for a couple hours. She said she finally realized what it has been like to be me these past few months. I validated and thanked her for understanding that and sharing that with me now.
We talked about D13's late night and W indicated that D13 will now be "grounded" for disobeying W's apparent wishes that the kids go to bed at a reasonable time. W stated that she was home at 1:30am and that she told them if she had to get up one more time, she was going to start calling parents...
I indicated that D13 did that often in the past, staying up late when W was asleep and I'd have to deal with it. W then said she wasn't in bed at 1:30am ("we" were at home, but not in bed) at that time. I just let that go. She has some "plan" to discipline D13.
A few other things about parenting plans and getting D13 to be comfortable over here. W thinks (and was apparently instructed today) that D13 cannot be "forced" to stay here. The presenter apparently told her that. Yet right in the hand outs, it indicates that children from 13 to 18 should be consulted as to their wishes, the parents still make the choice. I pointed that out to W.
ok...
KD will learn to AND BE less controlling.
But how does one be less controlling, yet still assertive of desires and wishes? At what time does getting what we want (and in this case, what I perceive as "right" for the kids) transition from "hope" to "manipulation" to "controlling"?
It seems to me (and I promise to read all the feedback, over and over again) that I'm pointed to as being controlling, and then I'm instructed to do what's right for the kids. To me... unless W and I come to an agreement on what's right, then it's me attempting to control W or W attempting to control me...
I am so used to sitting down and thinking about things. But I do know about myself that when I over think, I make poor choices.
I am so gun shy to ACT (without thinking sometimes) because I make poor choices in those times and they've bit me... bad...
I need to find a balance between "thinking things through" and "being in the moment" (aka thinking on my feet).
Practice, practice, practice... "fake it 'til you make it"... :-)
But there is a certain amount of "book work" that I have been avoiding. The "new me plan". Act as if D. Act as if single parent. Act as if GAL. Plan the work and work the plan. Make adjustments on the go.
I know what I have to do. I will plan the time and I will do it. I will find my focus. I will find my balance. I will find "me". And I will plan and do.
~~~~~~
Expectations? I thought I don't have expectations... Is "hope" an expectation? She'll get what she gets out of it. I hope it's good. I hope it falls within my "expectations". But if we still ended up exactly where we were, then I'd have to keep going with the "plan".
I think you all know about that "plan"... the one where there is no plan... ;-)
Thanks Mach. I did. Yes, I see it. That's (not) me. In my "previous life", that was not me. When I'm stressed... yeah... that's me... Right now... yeah... that's me...
For anyone who is wondering what to do to GAL. I started a "bucket list" a number of months back, before I found this site. It is time to review and start doing.
Anyone who wants to start their own bucket list, there's a web site for that (and it is also full of great ideas):
D8 asked me this morning while getting ready for school...
"So would you call this your temporary home?"
Took me a bit by surprise. I'd never thought about that. Well, that's not quite true. I had considered this my temporary home until W and I worked things out. But now, I am looking at the future through a different set of glasses.
I told her, "Yes. This is a temporary home. I'd not thought about it, but eventually I will get another place."
She smiled and said, "It should be bigger, with more rooms..."
I'd been advised that I needed to keep a journal of "life with W" (for potential legal reasons) which is part of the reason for all the detail I'd been posting here. I'd suspect that's a huge part of my problem with controlling and analyzing. I won't post as much detail any more. Just significant points as might be necessary from now on.
An FYI as to why I dropped the rope today: In the (recent) past emails, W's WORDS said that I'm now a good dad and the most recent email that I didn't post was I'm a good person. But in same email, followed that with "but just not a good husband (she says with humour)."
