Really? B/c it sounds to me like you've already made up your mind. As with a lot of LBH's before you, you're stating all the reasons why you need or want to do something to recognize the anniversary--based on who you are and not based on the facts of the stitch.
As you said, no one size fits all. My suggestion is that you do nothing and you say nothing.
I don't tell everyone this b/c I know about those one sizes, also. But here's the reason I'm telling you; it would be a huge 180 b/c you said it's so unlike you. Don't you realize that the anniversary will be much more noticed if you don't follow the patterns as in the past? Don't you realize that she KNOWS it's the date of her wedding anniversary and she is dreading it like you couldn't believe? She just wants it to pass like an ordinary day.
Yes, you know her best, but I see the same words I've seen too many times on this board. It is LBH pursuit trying to sound justified. Maybe you don't realize that you have expectations......but it's right there in your post.
Quote:
However if I invite her to dinner, and get the babysitter, she is likely to come and we would have a nice time.
You want to pay special attention to the anniversary, and in your heart, you are hoping she will respond in a positive way.
Sometimes I suggest just a simple card be given. But in other cases, the LBH might as well bring out the wedding pictures and watch the video of the vows taken.
If you are going to be in the LRT, then work it. If you want to portray a clingy H who is hanging onto memories of the wedding day.....then apply the pressure.
But, that's JMHO and I'm not trying to make you feel rotten. Just trying to give VP from WAW.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well mine was yesterday and it went fairly well. Except for one serious mistake. In the morning I told her not to worry about dinner that I was going to make it tonight. She was puzzled and said don't worry about it. I replied with it's ok I have planned her out. Surprised she asked how many calories (she's a heavy calorie counter). I replied with 300 she got upset and walked out saying it was too many and went to lay down on the bed. (Probably telling herself how can i be so inconsiderate to plan a 300 calorie meal, yes I know. ) A few minutes later she came back and in a slightly better mood asked for what I had planned to make. I told her, she said it sounded interesting but the meal would mess with her plans. I tried staying calm, but I have to admit I was hurt. I could tell she could too, she asked if something was wrong tried to cheerfully play it off and left for work. During lunch I made her a hand made gift and bought her something simple she had been wanting. I got home gave her the gifts and she was surprised and asked why. I told her happy anniversary she seemed surprised and told me that she thought it was on the 16th of this month and I had just forgotten. (I find it hard to believe she'd forget). Well she cheerily wished me happy anniversary (a definite plus) , and I wished her back. The rest of the evening went well and at different points we got a little close. I made my mistake when I tried to give her a peck on the cheek. Sigh the worse part is that I should know better by now. She pulled away like a child, and we both quickly changed the conversation. Other then that it went well. No ML but nothing seriously bad And we had fun playing games.
Want to do something nice for your anniversary? Do something nice FOR YOU. Period.
Experience the day with whatever emotion sets in. Be it happy (you made another year M) or sad (the M is ending) or something better, not M related. Just see it as another date that is worth recognizing, but make a NEW reason that it's important. Start a ritual on that date for YOU.
Enjoy the day. Really ENJOY THE DAY! And she will notice. Nothing said.
At the end of the day you need to do what you think best, but this sounds like a date. What does DR say about dating your WAS?
IMO being putting on a happy face and acting as if this is just another day to get on with life will have more impact and will not set you up for another rollercoaster ride.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Went through that in December (12/30). I got a blank card and wrote something nice in it and gave her a gift under $50. It went well and she wears the gift from time to time.
My coaching session was positive. Fast moving, very solution oriented, and generally made me feel better about my plan and what I've been doing. Reminded me I cant control what I can't control, and to try to stop fretting over what she might be doing or thinking.
With regards to the anniversary, the coach asked me: "from you wife's perspective, is what you plan to do going to be neutral, negative, or positive?". This is the question to ask when deciding, and I liked the approach. Really I have to answer this since I know my wife better than the coach.
So based on this, it is clear that I will do nothing which would require her to decide anything. That would be neutral to negative.
I will do the card in the morning, and that is it. Anything after that for the day will be dependent on how she reacts, or what she brings up / wants to do. This way it is neutral / positive. Recognizing the date, very diff than I have done in the past, and she has only to receive.
Anniversary happened. It went just like I expected but it still hurts terribly.
In the morning I gave a card, and said happy anniversary. She said quietly "same to you". When I got home, she didn't even look up from the computer, and barely said 5 words to me all evening. Of course she spent tons of time emailing on her damn phone. She got up and went to bed at 930. I slept on the couch. I didn't want to be anywhere near her. Did not say good morning to her, goodbye, anything. I took off my ring. I am DONE.
I am now convinced it's over. I know it sounds defeatist, but I am seeing it more as realist. I appreciate the support of the board over these last months, but it's over, plain and simple. There is so little left to build on, the trust is gone, and clearly any semblance of caring, love, or interest on one side is gone.
I am dropping the rope completely, that's it. If we were back at home, then I would probably have kicked her out of the house. But as it stands my marriage is over. I am at my limit. I just can't take any more of this. I just don't see how there is any reason to have ANY hope left.
She clearly had a plan, and executed it. She had it all laid out how she wanted to handle the whole thing. I am sure she had direction and help (from her girl friend, from the internet, who knows). I am convinced there must be a book, or website out there that is like an outline on how to behave, and how to walk away from the marriage.
The stories are just so similar. The words they use I read here are all the same. It really is like that they have a guidebook they are using. I can just imagine the chapters:
- Your decision - If you are at all bored, then you decide it's over, don't tell anyone - Wait until married 7-14 years, and after you have kids 4-15 - Get newly divorced, happy friends, listen to them - Distance yourself from friends you know would disapprove - Change your lifestyle (quit work, etc) - Get new clothes, sexy underwear, whiten your teeth, shave every day - Find a love interest, pursue them, but keep it well hidden
- How to let them down slowly - the ILYB speech - Make sure you say the words, ILYBIANILWY exactly - Do it after an arguement so you can blame your spouse - Make sure to tell them it has been coming for a long time - Do not reaveal the EA or PA at this point, keep it secret - Say you need space to figure things out
- Behavior during the few months after the ILYB speech - Disconnect, but not too much, give them some hope. Intimacy is optional - Start arranging your new life - Accelerate contact with your other love interest - Continue to feel more sure about your choice to be finished - Engage only with friends who support you, ignore and dismiss the rest - Increase cell phone and computer usage. Especially texts - Become mysterious, hide your phone, log out on the computer every time
- Revelation of the affair - If it is discovered deny it, alternatively blame the spouse - Make sure to say, "it just happened" - Do not tell the full truth, just enough to hurt your spouse, but not enough to allow them to decide to separate - Keep having the EA/PA
- Living in Limbo - Do not share you life with the spouse, at all - No talking, back turned, no eye contact - Get them to understand it is over, without telling them - If you feel like it, ignore the kids too - Plan your departure, but don't tell
- The end - Be totally irresponsible and selfish, do whatever you feel like - One day, announce you are moving out, and do it. Be sure not to forget to take the kids when you go. - Go back on your promises to stay civil - Get a lawyer to convince you are right - Make sure to ask for more money than you deserve - Demand as much custody of the kids as you can get, even if you don't want them around you
Appendix - How to handle special occasions (fathers day, birthdays) - Hiding your love affair - Dealing with your friends and family that disown you - Ensuring maximum spousal pain after the divorce (how to dress, what to say, how to trade off kids, etc)
That to me is the basic playbook they work from. Genuinely evil people.
