How should an anniversary be handled?

[Paper]

Anniversary in 2 weeks (M14 years).

For arguments sake, lets assume the 2 people (me wife and I) are generally estranged living in the same house. We are cordial, but very little talking, and not much family together activities. 2 young kids. She has had an EA which I am unsure of the status. I am in LRT phase, and she is very convinced she is done and ready to move on. We do sleep in same bed, but it is a cold bed. No kisses, no saying goodnight, no hugs.

Yes I had another thread but no one was reading it and I really am looking for some opinions on this specific topic.

My wife is the kind of woman who will rarely if ever take the first step. If I say nothing about it, it will pass unsaid, which will feel like a further nail in the coffin. However if I invite her to dinner, and get the babysitter, she is likely to come and we would have a nice time. Really on the fence with this. On one hand, according to LRT, I do and say nothing. However I think me "forgetting" our anniversary as further reason why she should be done (never ever done that before, always remembered all). I don't want it to go forgotten either. I was thinking maybe to say happy anniversary in the morning, and see where that goes as to what we might do.

[~¤DG¤~]

I honestly don't know how to handle that.
My H & I have an anniversary in June, and I have no idea how that will be handled. I try to not think about it, because who knows what will happen then.

[jbnati]

I was thinking maybe to say happy anniversary in the morning, and see where that goes as to what we might do.

I would say this is probably a good plan. You may get a card, but frankly, I would be a little hesitant to even go that far.

[LITB]

Interesting question Paper. My 14 year anniversary is next Tuesday.

My sitch is different in that my W currently lives 1100 miles away. I don't plan on saying or doing anything. She wants a D, so I figure what's the point. My W will be receiving the response to her dissolution petition about that time. I'm not trying to be vindictive, it just happens to be how the timing worked out.

Here are some questions to think about:

Do you have any expectations if you decide to do something?

What are you hoping to accomplish?

Will you be disappointed if she says she doesn't want to do anything?

To me it would be putting pressure on her and putting her in an uncomfortable situation.

[Starsky309]

Get her a cute/funny Shoebox card, write only "Happy Anniversary! Paper" in it, and include a small ($20 - $40) gift card for Starbucks or a favorite retail store.

That's what I'd do.


Starsky

[greenblue90]

My anniversary is this week.
I am planning to use this as an opportunity to show my positive changes. I'm going to make dinner something I usually don't do. Then I will make a little present based on something she found cute. (trying to show I'm paying attention. ) As of now we go out a lot to dinner, and on valentines day when she was on WAW overdrive she accepted my elaborate valentines day scheme. So I think it should be ok. I would come up with a simple yet thoughtful plan, then "invite her" to join you.

I agree about your assessment on her using a no plans approach to say that it further proves the futility of the marriage. So yes, you DO have to do something. She will most likely react negatively, but she will notice that you still care. If she gets hostile control yourself and simply say "it's no problem I just wanted to do something nice" and then let it go. If she agrees, smile and try to have a nice night. No R talk!!!!

[StaciG]

I have been fighting with this same situation. Have my 1 yr anniv on 4/23 plus it is also my H birthday. He is the WAH and have been gone for about a month with no contact from him. I am thinking I will probably just recieve papers in the mail anyday. I was at the mad stage for awhile then the closer to time it gets here I'm like I'm not a mean person maybe I should just send a card so he knows I'm thinking about him, but with the way I have been treated by him, I have friends tell me that if I do or send him anything...IM STUPID, he doesnt deserve it! So I wont be doing anything, cause i cant let myself be in that situation, its not good for me. Use your own judgement Paper and good luck with whatever you decide.

[Paper]

Some good suggestions, thank you. I need to do something. I need to open the door, and let her choose if she wants to walk through. Not tell her to walk through, push her, or pull her through.

Do you have any expectations if you decide to do something?

My expectation is for me to feel like I have recognized our marriage and anniversary. To do something nice, period. I have no expectations from her in any way - not be be intimate, admit anything, or feel any differently. I just don't want the day to pass unacknowledged.

What are you hoping to accomplish?

Further peace of mind for myself. Possibly to see how she reacts - as it will show me further where we stand.

Will you be disappointed if she says she doesn't want to do anything?

Yes disappointed - but I am expecting this from her so I am not let down if this happens. If I do it right, it will simply be something nice from me, nothing she has to commit to, or say yes to, but just to receive.

To me it would be putting pressure on her and putting her in an uncomfortable situation.

I understand. I need to figure something out that is simple and innocent. Something I do to recognize it, or present to her, as opposed to needing her buy in on an activity. As always, DB and LRT is not one size fits all. I think this is one of those situations in my case where after serious thought, I will do something.

For sure won't do:
- Babysitter/dinner (unless she suggests it ahead of time)
- Gifts
- Flowers
- Any surprise plans
- Go for a hug, kiss, or any intimacy

Possibilities:
- Say happy anniversary happily once during the day
- Get a card, put it at her place at the table for breakfast in the morning.
- Maybe even wake up early, make coffee for her, make a simple breakfast (for all of us), and leave the card at her place. That seems innocent, with no expectations, just doing something nice. Although she sleeps poorly these days and is usually up at 5 anyway so this might not work.
- I need to think of a few more (suggestions welcome)

[LITB]

As always, DB and LRT is not one size fits all.

I completely agree. You know your W better than anyone else here, so it ultimately comes down to what you feel is best for your sitch.

I wish you the best Paper.

[greenblue90]

My vote is for breakfast and a card.

I have to say I'm pretty nerve wrecked too, because my anniversary is tomorrow.