I am back from my long weekend in NC. Had a wonderful time. It was really nice to get away from it all. Didn't talk my W all weekend - talked to my son, and that's about it. Spent a lot of time reading, journaling, hiking, and listening to God. My only regret is that I only took a weekend instead of a whole week.
I will have to say when I was getting closer to home yesterday, the anxiety was starting to pick up. I was not in a big hurry to get home.
There were times of sadness on the trip, especially when I ate at some restaurants I had eaten at with my W, and when I passed here favorite jewelry store in town. I did miss her. There were times of sadness just looking at the empty passenger seat.
I had a discussion with my W last night. At the suggestion of my DB coach, we talked about some times where I've hurt her and what I could've done differently. It was intended to be a time of listening and validating. We were supposed to start with small things and work up to the bigger issues (like the elephant in the room). She ended up having an elephant parade. Although this is all in the past, I left the conversation feeling very small and beating myself up. I think this is the first time I have really, really listened without being defensive or trying to solve the problem.
My confession follows...
When our son was born and my W was in labor, I mentioned something about being tired - she sent me home. She was pretty ticked off. She didn't call me when she was getting closer - I had to call her. Luckily, I did get to the hospital by the time my S was born. It just went from bad to worse that week. I came down with a nasty sinus infection and I had her and my S move to the guest bedroom so I could rest and wouldn't infect the baby. I have a much better appreciation on how she felt about all of that. I took what should have been a joyful occasion and made a complete disaster out of it. This is still impacting her today. She has never forgiven me for this, even though I have apologized.
She wanted to have more children over the years. She wanted me to take a fertility test and I blew her off. Later she wanted to adopt a child and I was pretty nonchalant about it. I did go some classes with her, but I was overwhelmed with anxiety about the whole process. The bottom line is I didn't engage her in conversation about all this. I just ignored it all hoping it would go away.
When we were looking for a house about 9 years ago, any house she was interested in was never good enough for me. When we found the house we're living in, she felt she comprimised and at the same time felt stressed about the size of the house. She said something about needed help taking care of the house and she didn't feel like she got the help. She has always been stressed about the house. She also said she mourned the house she really wanted for 3 years after we moved to our current house.
She left the conversation pretty frustrated and I left feeling really guilty. I wanted so bad to apologize all over myself, but I was concerned she would see it as a ploy to put a quick fix in. I want so bad to go back and do all of this differently.
All of the above is NOT the man I am today, however. But she is not seeing that. I had started making drastic changes from the inside about 3 years ago, but those all seem null and void now.
I did break down and get another block of sessions with my DB coach and I am meeting with him in about 15 minutes.
1. I need to forgive myself 2. If I wish, I can write a SHORT apology letter, but I need to execute #1 first 3. There's a good chance when she says 'I don't want to give you any false hope' that she is saying it to herself and not me. 4. I stirred something inside of her, probably more than I know. 5. I did a better job of listening than I thought I did - our conversation was just me listening and validating. I did not get defensive, apologize on the spot, or try to patch things up 6. Observe how she reacts over the next few days, but be sure to continue to GAL. i.e. don't just hang around watching her like a hawk to see how she is going to react.
First of all, I am glad you had a good weekend. I understand there was some sadness to it, but I think given the circumstances it is to be expected. However, it does sound like you accomplished what you set out to do so that's great.
Jb, I used to beat myself up over the past repeatedly. Sometimes I still do it, even though I have forgiven myself. You do need to do that for your own piece of mind.
I'm glad you can look back and see you are no longer that person you used to be.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Last night our interactions were pretty lukewarm. She had another stressful day at work. She really didn't want to talk about it, either. I had worked pretty late while my Mom brought my S down to my work. I took my S out for haircuts. Instead of exercising this morning, I went out for a 8.6 bike ride last night around 9:30.
I am still feeling my W's pain from our Sunday night conversation. I am still working on forgiving myself before I ask for her forgiveness for hurting her. I realize she may never forgive me, too. If she doesn't, though, she is going to be left some baggage.
W comes home last night from work and tells me her girls' night out is cancelled. We ended up going out to eat together, the three of us as a family. It was pretty decent. The conversation was a little strained. Part of that was probably because I was paying a lot of attention to it.
I ended up writing an apology letter related to our talk on Sunday night about some ways I have hurt her in the past. I kept it pretty short, it was about a page. I think I finally got myself to the point where I have forgiven myself for hurting her the way I did. To be honest, I wasn't looking forward to writing the letter at all, but I felt I needed to do it. I delivered it this morning. I am at the point now where I know I am a different man now.
Didn't sleep well at all last night. The tornado sirens were going off between 12:30 & 2:00. Very tired today.
I have only watched fireproof once, but my friend left it with me and I may watch it a number of times again. My D13 borrowed it from me and watched it a couple weeks ago. Never asked her for feedback yet, but I will eventually.
Remember that when we forgive, it is for us. So when they forgive, it is for them. We forgive in our time, they forgive in theirs.
I think it's interesting that your DB coach suggested that "false hope" might have been said by her, for her. Never thought of it that way.
I can only hope that one day I will have a conversation with my W during D proceedings and she will say to me, like yours, that she is more interested in "time to heal and work it out" than D.
Remember that when we forgive, it is for us. So when they forgive, it is for them. We forgive in our time, they forgive in theirs..
Right! It's a gift she can only give herself. I can only give her an invitation.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I think it's interesting that your DB coach suggested that "false hope" might have been said by her, for her. Never thought of it that way...
He's mentioned stuff like that before. For example, once she asked me if I was making all of my GAL changes just to win her back. My coach interpreted as that it could mean she actually likes the changes.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I can only hope that one day I will have a conversation with my W during D proceedings and she will say to me, like yours, that she is more interested in "time to heal and work it out" than D.
I do too, brother!! As far as I know, she is still tracking for the D, but it does seem she has slowed down a bit.
jb, I too have been looking back at our M and painfully seeing what I have done wrong, and the list is very long. All we can do is to continue our self-improvement course regardless of the past, present or future.
Not sure if I recently read it on these boards or elsewhere, but I'll paraphrase something that has stuck with me: successful people see the goal and concentrate only on the goal. They choose to not acknowledge the obstacles that stand between them and their goal. Unsuccessful people see only the obstacles and lose sight of the goal. Simple and obvious, yet we are easily distracted by the obstacles: our own failings, our spouse's rejection of us, our fear of what the future holds. Focus on you and your goals; everything else is just noise.
I'm curious to hear how your W reacted to your letter.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I have not heard anything today about my letter. I didn't expect to, either. I am going to act 'as if' it is going to help things. I am going to keep my expectations low - I think it is going to take some time for her to forgive me from the past, if she is ever able to do it.
I am taking the next couple days off work. It's time to get the GAL machine cranked up again. My S is on spring break, so I am going to look for some fun things to do with him. Maybe we'll try playing some golf, going to the OmniMax, go bowling, or something else we might think of...
