Received a lovely long email yesterday from X-SIL thanking me for "everything last week, weeks before, and all I do". She said I was a "precious gem" and that's she's blessed to have me in her life. (X-SIL makes up for XH's inability to show gratitude. Her thanks are much appreciated!) She said that she and her brother did NOT have the talk to clear the air about their argument last Wednesday..........so it's interesting to see how poorly (or slowly?) that family communicates about sensitive issues.
My convos with X-SIL and her H last week have filled in some more puzzle pieces and I have been thinking that XH has clinically significant anxiety issues. I suspect that XH has left at least 2 women before me suddenly, without much warning and may have a bigger pattern of this than I know. I have had a number of patients with clinical anxiety recently who have really honed my antennae for this problem. They are very demanding and untrusting, wanting everything to be exactly the way THEY want it. They appear controlling (and they are) but underneath they are really VERY insecure and many of them are that way because of previous trauma. I have been thinking that unless XH addresses his anxiety problem, I'm not sure I want to be around. I actually feel sorry for him. It must be very difficult to live this way.
Anyway........XH and I exchanged a handful of emails today. He may not have time for dinner after TT tomorrow evening because he is still working on his mother's and his taxes. I replied "Let's play it by ear". If tomorrow doesn't work we can always go another time in the near future.......and I mentioned a new restaurant. He picked up on that and responded that he liked that restaurant.
XH also sent me a funny email that gave me an opening to tell him I'd like to have him over to celebrate the saving of the giant patio tree. Told him that I knew the arborist he'd worked with 3 years ago had led him to believe there wasn't a problem. I wanted to remove any guilt he might have.........Then I told him that I'd cried last night when something triggered a memory of his mother. He replied to that, so I think he appreciated knowing someone understands.
So.....nothing big..........planting seeds of ideas in XH's brain.....and TT tomorrow evening. Good to have a quiet week after last week.
Hi GAG...I'm quietly still here...reading and observing your progress with XH...have nothing new to contribute ATM. You have so much good advice from everyone and I think that you are doing all you can...just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
It's good that H is still receptive and responding to your emails. It's still very positive. As time progresses you could perhaps address the anxiety issues with H.
What you said about clinical anxiety made me think about my H. he is very controlling, wants things to be exactly the way he wants them to be, and also left 2 women before me without closure!
I wonder what is behind that kind of inability to end relationships.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Mila, thanks for visiting. I think you summed it up well: I am doing about all that I can do. X-MIL's passing has added a lot of unknowns. Your FIL's passing may do the same in your situation as well.
Cas, thank you for seeing my glass as "half full". You are correct that if we can progress further we can address HX's anxiety issues in the future. Thank you my friend!
Angel, I have been following you thread when I have a chance. Lots of experienced folks posting to you. Thank you for sharing your info. Your comments add another puzzle piece. When X-SIL's H told me at the memorial service that X-SIL asked for a D 6 months into their M, it gave me an important clue. In the clinic the real anxious folks are very demanding and perfectionistic. These are my XH's most negative traits. He has many other positive traits that offset these behaviors.
I think these folks have difficulty ending R's because they are afraid of conflict. X-SIL kept telling me in our convo that she has always had trouble with conflict....it makes sense. They just can't withstand the kind of emotional response they have with conflict. Daniel Amen has a book about anxiety and depression. I'm going to try to find it to learn more.
BTW, last night's TT was just a game. I greeted XH with a smile and a big hug and talked to him about how wonderful it always was to be greeted by his mother's smile and hug. I told him that that was why I was greeting him this way. We didn't talk about much during play. I was getting frustrated, so I started smashing the ball hard. It was cathartic and I'm sure XH thought I was just racheting up my game.......No dinner last night. XH needed to work on taxes and had an early start this AM. I've been thinking that I have an opening now with GF#2 out of the picture, so I invited XH for a movie this weekend. He responded that his weekend was full except for Sunday afternoon..........I am continuing to feel my way "in the dark". Lots of thinking..........
Just sending you a bunch of warm thoughts, and hoping that all is going really well in your life.
From some of your last posts, it appeared things with XH were progressing nicely. I am hopeful that this is still happening for you.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
