Somewhere between filing and D

[jon2911]

New thread time! Last thread is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2149674&#Post2149674


W called me about 10:30. I was working out at the gym but stepped out for a bit. She appreciated that. She told me that she'd fallen down some stairs at SIL's and had been in bed the last few days. I listened and affirmed. She said "we need to talk about something".

She said that when I said I love you, that it bothered her. That she knows how I feel. Getting quiet, she said that it hurts, that she enjoys talking to me but asked that I keep that inside. She said we would probably need to stop talking at some point - and then really sounded like she'd cry. I could tell she'd been thinking about this. She asked me to e-mail her if I had things like to say.

I stayed quiet and listened. She asked why I was so quiet. I said I was sorry she felt that way, that I wanted her to know how I felt, and it wasn't my intention to hurt her. I told her I would let her know if I didn't want to talk any more, and it wasn't now.

We then had a nice talk for the next 20 minutes. I told her I hoped she slept well and had sweet dreams. She said "I hope so too".

Just as good as ILU I think. Chilling out now and letting her make contact. I think the e-mail suggestion is an opening I need to take at some point.

[jon2911]

No contact for a few days, then some nice texting Friday night. W was helping SIL with a garage sale on Friday. She's so good at that stuff, and I told her that. She said she and SIL are two peas in a pod.

She called early Saturday morning to get the specs on her laptop she's trying to sell. I played some disc golf with friends, hit the gym after that, took a nap and then meet K4D and FaithfulH for some fantastic barbecue and DB chat.

New perspectives that I took away:
- definitely needs to be a cutting off if W finalizes the D. Not really a need to tell her that, she seems to know it already, let it play out.
- of her options for moving, she would be miserable in New York. She hates cold, and mountains. There's still snow on the ground right now. FaithfulH moved to Texas from the East Coast, says there's no way she could do it. Not that I want her to be miserable, but good to know.
- she has family issues, health issues, financial issues, it's a lot at once
- don't fight the D, but don't help either. Make her do everything, appointments, etc.

This last one is interesting, it worked in FaithfulH's case. W had been agitated when she visited, telling me I needed to respond to her L and get things moving while she was in New York. I drew the line, told her there's a 60-day waiting period, and that I would NOT be doing anything while she was out of state. She ended up not even sending the papers before she left. That is, if they exist at all.

W called a few times while we were out, I decided I was out with my boys and too busy. They liked that. Finally she texted "sale went well, I'm going to bed" and I called it a night with them.

We talked for almost an hour on my way home. BIL is sold his car at the garage sale, which I thought was hilarious. I told her I'm about to accept an offer on my truck. She laughed and said "I'll believe it when I see it". It came up that I'm in a rental car, and she asked why. I didn't feel like hiding it, so told her about the motorcycle. Also told her things are under control.

She said "I'm so sorry you have to go through this". She also got quiet and said she and SIL had passed a motorcycle wreck on the way to NY. It had just happened, and there was blood and body parts across the highway. Wow. She said "this country isn't set up to only have a motorcycle. You're next to 18-wheelers all the time. I worry about you".

This is intersting, because the Harley was W's idea. Early in our separation, and she loved it. We had her gear and everything, which she still has. We used to take rides all the time, but now her head hurts too much, and her world has gotten so small.

She started saying I needed something reliable, with A/C, and then said "I'll stop". I told her it's under control, that it [censored] but I have a lot of friends helping me, including the finance manager at BMW. She liked that I'm helping him write a song in exchange for help.

So that goes to FaithfulH's final point. He says our spouses will always be hyper-critical until they get back on their own two feet. And in his sitch, he was very careful to not berate his W to the kids. He had to take it while she said horrible things about him. Now, 4 years later, the kids are starting to see his side, that his W had a lot to work on herself. He said God is just and works it out in the end. I think that goes for all family and outside people.

It's good to get some outside perspective. I see now how ridiculous it is for someone in W's situation to be criticizing my job, my car, that I don't own a house, etc. I'm drawing the line on that, and cutting her off when she goes into FIL's tone and advice-giving mode. It's changing the dynamic already.

[Goodfight]

Wow Jon, good for you. What I wouldn't do for H to even try to contact us.

How is Faithful and KD4? I haven't seen a post from KD4 in so long and he was my inspiration. I was ready believe it or not lol to just say the heck with it already as far as my M until I honestly believe that God sent him to me to tell me about Rejoice Marriage Ministries. That is why I started standing for my M. Although from what happened yesterday I don't to think anymore. It also seems I hurt more now from things H does or doesn't do. I thought I would feel better turning to God and following my vows.

I feel better about being closer to God but it seems standing and forgiving after yesterday is a lot more harder.

[Goodfight]

Wow Jon, good for you. What I wouldn't do for H to even try to contact us.

How is Faithful and KD4? I haven't seen a post from KD4 in so long and he was my inspiration. I was ready believe it or not lol to just say the heck with it already as far as my M until I honestly believe that God sent him to me to tell me about Rejoice Marriage Ministries. That is why I started standing for my M. Although from what happened yesterday I don't to think anymore. It also seems I hurt more now from things H does or doesn't do. I thought I would feel better turning to God and following my vows.

I feel better about being closer to God but it seems standing and forgiving after yesterday is a lot more harder.

[Goodfight]

Sry Jon, this is hard without an edit button and using phone instead of a computer.

[jon2911]

Keeping up the texting contact, letting W call if she wants to. Sent her a picture of my friend with his baby daughter this morning. They were our closest couple friends. W responded "sweet girl".

Tonight they opened a free clinic at church with six new beds. I took a pic and told her that all the doctors and nurses are volunteers. "You would love this, baby" I said. She responded "cool".

Later she texted me to check the news, and I read the Osama is finally dead.

Looked up my favorite quote from the Horse Whisperer tonight. "You see Annie, where there's pain, there's still feeling and where there's feeling there's hope. Don't let her turn you away"

[Goodfight]

Jon,

IMHO I think you are doing great. At least there is communication and has been, she contacts you when you know she doesn't have to or really need to at this point.

Keep going, you are doing great.

[jon2911]

Good talk with W Monday afternoon, and some texting today.

I'm preparing to lead worship this weekend at my brother's church, and someone requested a song he wrote. When we were in a band together 6 years ago, MIL was so comforted by the song that she requested it at her funeral. It's called "My Soul Waits" and is based on Psalm 130.

MIL's death hit us so hard, and only 4 months into our marriage. I didn't know how to deal with it, or to help W. Really, we never did deal with it, or recover from it.

I didn't even realize the significance when W asked recently asked for a copy of the song "your brother wrote, the one we played at my Mom's funeral". I found the exact file on my computer, still named "My Soul Waits Melanie", and sent it to her. I'm sure she's feeling it with Mother's Day coming up. Not sure what's going on up there in New York, but it's something.

[MichelleLT]

Nice to see the perspectives from K4D and FaithfulH.

Good stuff.

Love the tactic of not helping her with the D. That's what I did for a long time and it definitely made an impact on his willingness to R, at least while OW was out of the country lol.

Someone told me when I was new here, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.

Time and time again I have seen that proved out.

[jon2911]

Hmmm, interesting thought Michelle. I would have to say that's true, and hate to admit but it came from my side during the marriage.

The weekend in Killeen went great, several good client meetings as well. My full-time boss got antsy yesterday, which was hard, but I may start making so much on the side that I drop to part time. It will be a careful balance until then.

Still dealing with insurance crap about the theft. This is such a drag. Pushing through it though. Looks like I have a roommate lined up also, confirmed that today.

Nice talk with W last night. She was in Albany for the weekend, and flies back to Texas on Saturday. I've been so busy while she's been gone, which has been good.

It sounds like she's had a good visit, other than the cold. I know Sunday was hard for her, hopefully the song she asked for helped. You never know what God can use, and I learned that again.