Folks: People here provided invaluable input to my situation last year. W and I almost split last June, then worked on the R with counciling, and I was seeing glimmers of hope. I took all the advice her, GAL, and really did change my perspective. I now know what I should always have known, that my W was the most important thing in my life and I should have let her know that. Things were looking up, then I had to leave the country on business for 3.5 months - we got together twice during that time for a total of about 3 weeks. Got home yesterday, and got the bomb dropped today that she filed.
Now what do I do? I want to continue with counciling and potential reconciliation. She justs wants to leave me and the town. She has been very unhappy, suffering from depression for 2-3 years. She thinks leaving me is going to make it all better. I don't want to lose her. What do I do?
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Wow...what is her reasoning besides being unhappy?
You are right, leaving the M will probably not bring her the happiness she is seeking. When my 1st H & I divorced he thought I was the cause of all his unhappiness and that he would be happy once we were no longer M. Well, it's been about 9 years and he's still miserable.
I'm sorry you had to come back here, but I'm glad the advice helped you last time.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
If she has filed, she still has to have you served. You need to be prepared for that, both emotionally and legally.
If she thinks leaving you will make it all better as you say, you may have to just get out of her way. She may have to experience that freedom and independence for herself in order to get it out of her system.
Sometimes they feel so trapped that the only thing you can do is open the cage. That's from James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". Only you know her.
Heed my first words, and don't let fear dictate your actions. When the bomb dropped on me, fear of losing my W, of failure to save my M, of economic impact, of all sorts of scenarios ran amok in my mind and almost drove me crazy. It was all for naught. She had me served and we're two weeks from final decree.
This poem by Rudyard Kipling helped me gather myself:
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
If I just get out of her way, that is just giving up. I have changed my perspective markedly in the last 18 months or so, and still feel we have a fighting chance. But she has to participate. She has to want to work at it.
If she has just given up, I feel it is hopeless. Someone please tell me I am wrong.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your sitch. I see some similarities in your sitch to mine.
Take a deep breath and sit down! You probably have more time than you think.
In a nutshell, my W bombed me the first time about 3 years ago. I talked her into going to MC, and things were looking up. I felt we were in a better place in our R than we ever had been. Then, she got extremely busy with her job and we were spending very little time together, when we should have been working on keeping the positive momentum going in our M. Then, she bombs me for the second time in February. This time, though, she refused to go to MC and was adamant she wants a D. My W has also suffered from depression for 3+ years, possibly up to 9 years.
I think the bottom line is your W does not need your permission to leave. She may need to go down this road so far to realize it's not the right decision, unfortunately. Hopefully if that were to happen and she came back, it would never happen again. That quote above about opening the cage from IaP may be true in your case. Anything you do at this point to coerce her to stay will likely backfire and push her away.
I suggest to continue or to resume taking care of YOU, and become the better person out of this regardless of the outcome. GAL.
Well, you might not be, but one of the things that is hardest to learn is that you can only control yourself and your actions. You can't make her participate.
There's a speech that someone (TrueGritter maybe?) posted that a lot of people here have used/adapted that captures the essence of letting go:
Quote:
W, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.
You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.
I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.
I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.
25 also mentions often to be the person that only a fool would leave. It's for you, but the side effect CAN be that it brings your SO back to you. Either way, it prepares you for moving on to bigger and better things, whatever they may be, with your SO or not.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Long talks today. She is adamant that our R is over, but feels like she is losing a tremendous amount, by losing me and my family. Hopes that we can still keep in contact after the D. Has agreed to go to at least one MC session.
She cannot continue to be so unhappy/depressed, but admits our R is only one part of a much bigger issue. Going through with the D and moving out of town makes her feel like she is doing something for herself. She thinks we needed to work on our R several years ago, and now it is "too late". I asked her for more time to work on our R, and told her that when it was clear that it was me that was fundamentally the cause of her unhappiness, that I would be first to call it quits. Also told her not to give me the time if she was not going to give it 100%
Why do I feel like I am doing everything wrong here? Where do I go from here?
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Long talks today. She is adamant that our R is over, but feels like she is losing a tremendous amount, by losing me and my family. Hopes that we can still keep in contact after the D. Has agreed to go to at least one MC session.
She cannot continue to be so unhappy/depressed, but admits our R is only one part of a much bigger issue. Going through with the D and moving out of town makes her feel like she is doing something for herself. She thinks we needed to work on our R several years ago, and now it is "too late". I asked her for more time to work on our R, and told her that when it was clear that it was me that was fundamentally the cause of her unhappiness, that I would be first to call it quits. Also told her not to give me the time if she was not going to give it 100%
Why do I feel like I am doing everything wrong here? Where do I go from here?
How you feeling here is how i am feeling now. Our sitch in some ways similar. H is adamant that the M is over and that its too late. That the M has run its course.
I don't know how valuable my feedback is because im in the gutter also.
Is yourself that is initiating the R talks?
Me: 28 H:30 M:19/03/09 Renewed vows in home country: 19/03/10 Together: 7 1/2 years Married : 2yr 3 months S:26/06/10 reconciliation started: 1/10/10 Separation 2: 4/5/2011
Opening the cage is "counter intuitive". I know, it feels like giving up, but remember. You do not control her. So many DBers feel they have to have control. Until they realize they don't have it, they try to hang on and hang on, just prolonging the agony. Don't be afraid to let her have what she wants. Is she is in a state of mind where she's going to get what she wants one way or the other? Only you know. I'm telling you this because I have been through it. Of course there are exceptions and WAW's can change their minds. You have to intuitively crawl out of the sitch and think objectively, dipassionately. Difficult, I know. But for your own sake, to make you more attractive to her, try not to be a source of misery and discomfort for her. You may have to get out of the friggin way. Think objectively.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I think you're definitely in LRT territory here. That means backing off and giving your W some space. I know it's frustrating and absolutely counter-intuitive. However, it sounds like you are trying to reason with your WAW, who is of an irrational mindset right now.
It sounds like she is feeling "done" right now and has already thrown in the towel.
