18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[AJM80]

So, that is a bit out of order and a little generalzed/but still long.

Overall, I would say I am closer to leaving (because living near family and friends in a calm, family oriented society is the life I want.) and closer to fine with it. He's still not seeing this clearly/is hiding from reality some. He's still isolating himself. Maybe he'll wake up and realize what he's got on the line. Maybe it'll take a few years. Maybe I'll be around, maybe not. I'm dropping the rope, right? I think I did a good job with this convo...What do you, the brave few who can wade through that think?

He was so agitated that he bolted for a train and left his keys and sunglasses. He held together pretty well. He showed more emotion at the horror of seeing my sister's family than he did when he said he was horrified at the thought of us moving.

I also refrained from texting that I wouldn't believe he was ending things with OW until I saw proof of it. Although I just had an angry twinge that I'm sure the OW's extra keys are on my counter.

Just happy with myself right now. Life is hard, but I'm doing alright.

[OnMyWay]

AJM80, you did great!

A couple of thoughts went through my head while reading this:

First, with regards to the OW, we've already determined he suffers from "Nice Guy Syndrome," so he will definitely have a difficult time breaking up with her, although I do believe that is what he wants to do. He's stuck and doesn't know how to handle it. However, he may suffer through with it until she gets sick of him and dumps him - as that would be an easier route for him to handle instead of being a bad guy. Truth is, she is probably sick of him, too, he just hasn't figured it out that dumping her would do both of them a favor.

Second, I was wondering what it is that keeps him from wanting to come back, keeping in mind the DB Coach mantra of "Keeping the road back well paved"? If he knows it is the right thing to do, why can't he do it?

Maybe he'll wake up and realize what he's got on the line. Maybe it'll take a few years. Maybe I'll be around, maybe not. I'm dropping the rope, right?

Being that I have 25, FaithinAK, and others on my case for loosing it right now, I think its fair to point out that this is NOT dropping the rope, as you are attaching outcome/expectations to these feelings/statements. However, you do sound closer to being content with your decisions than previously - less willing to compromise and more willing to do what you need.

Before committing to the finality of that decision, perhaps he needs a nudge. You handled this sitch well enough, perhaps next time you may get away with attaching some conditions/expectations on your sitch should you decide to stay - such as he WILL leave the OW, you two will get counseling, you will work on your R - not just for finances and the kids, but for each other and your M. You will also have to demonstrate your desire to compromise and contribute to this process - as in the failure of your M was not all his fault and you both have work to do - together.

It feels as if you are closer than ever before to getting you M back, yet also closer to the move. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps the time away on your vacation will put his future in the proper perspective. However, don't have that expectation. Just enjoy your time with your family for yourself.

[AJM80]

You know OMW, I think it is entirely possible that he is thinking about moving in with her and just trying to play me to get me to stay around. Once I sign another year's lease he's off the hook for awhile, right? He's either lying to me about how he feels about her or using her (or both)- either is crappy.

This conversation made me realize, truly, that he hasn't changed that much and I've had blinders on about him for a long time. A lot of selfish things he's done over the years have come to mind. This stuff doesn't really matter - I'm just trying to decide if he is worth waiting for or if I am delusional/married to a selfish jerk. I don't think he's really seeing himself and his part in this. It seems to still be my fault/being married to me that made him unhappy.

Do people change? Clearly they do, especially when there is an intense series of events in their lives. When you realize what's really important and what is of value, and put that 1st, amazing change can happen. I just don't see that happening with him. One of our friends suggested that maybe H needs to quit his job and move back home, because he thinks a job should never be that important/self defining. It seemed a little nuts at the time, but now I understand. H sees financial success (and providing for family $$) as more important than being a family. He's trying to justify that the 10 or so hours a week he spends "full time" with the kids is more than most dads do, therefore, enough.

I'd guess he doesn't come back 1) because he doesn't want to leave her, 2) because he cannot handle being a husband/full time father, 3) because he never loved me/just stayed with me because he didn't want to leave me, 4) because he wants to come back, but it's too important not to fail again - therefore too scary to try, 4) he's hiding from the reality of this and thinks he can have his cake and eat it too - I'd just be like a nanny and he'll drop by when he feels like it. Any given minute, it is any, all or none of those.

I don't have expectations of him anymore - he's too all over the place and I really think I have checked out for now. I'm not going to walk away or book a truck, but I am going to start organizing/prepacking. Either way, it'll be good to get things clean and sorted. I did say I thought it might be good if he talked to our old marital counselor - he really liked talking to her in IC and has struggled to replace her.

He told me last night he really likes Adele's Rolling in the Deep...good gravy, he's listening to the "wrong" breakup songs. I'm the one who should be singing CeLo's Forget you and Adele...just weird.

I wonder if he'll get aggressive legally at some point and try to keep me from leaving. Right now he thinks if he comes up with $ I'd just stay.

Sorry guys - I am writing so, so much. I am just trying to get some things out and work through my thoughts. I feel so long winded. That probably means I need to go find someone to talk to..BUT, I don't want people strongly trying to influence me, you know? I want understanding and advice, like what we see here, rather than pressure to make a decision.

Thanks.

[sparks14]

Before committing to the finality of that decision, perhaps he needs a nudge. You handled this sitch well enough, perhaps next time you may get away with attaching some conditions/expectations on your sitch should you decide to stay - such as he WILL leave the OW, you two will get counseling, you will work on your R - not just for finances and the kids, but for each other and your M. You will also have to demonstrate your desire to compromise and contribute to this process - as in the failure of your M was not all his fault and you both have work to do - together.

It feels as if you are closer than ever before to getting you M back, yet also closer to the move. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps the time away on your vacation will put his future in the proper perspective. However, don't have that expectation. Just enjoy your time with your family for yourself.

After reading through the convo with the H, I fully back OMW on this one. I think he summed it up pretty good.

I see the two of you closer than ever before on this one. Yes, he is still seeing OW. We knew that was a possibility. what I took out of it was the honesty on his side. I think if I asked my W if she was still seeing the OW right now, I would get the no answer regardless of the truth. For your husband to come out and tell you the truth and his expectations for the future of that relationship was big.

Man. I would love to see what kid of future could be developed if you stayed in town under the pretense that the two of you go to counseling and the relationship with the OW cease. That is why I like OMW's suggestions that you setup agreements if you were to stay.

AJ - I am proud of you to have that discussion with your H. I know that it took a lot of courage. You handled it very well.

[LearningPatience]

AJM,
don't worry about writing too much, it's cathartic. Also, it sounds like your H hasn't really 'listened' to the lyrics for Rolling in the Deep. Sing away

[JustStunned]

AJM, I think your H doesn’t know what he wants. I think he is trying to keep all options open for if/when he decides. I am/was a nice guy, but never that nice. People do change, part of the reason I am here is due to returning to my roots and being less of the nice guy.

OMW is right about setting boundaries should you decide to stay.

Be proud of the way you handled that, we all know the effort it required. Write books if you need to post them here.

[AJM80]

You may all also be entertained by the 1 major detail I left out. We had 90% of this conversation in the dark. Just left the lights off and sat in the living room and talked.

[OnMyWay]

That's kind of cool. How was that?

[AJM80]

It took a lot of pressure off. We came in from dinner and it was dark. Let D watch a cartoon while I fed baby. When he took D up to bed, I just turned off the tv and left the other lights off too. I sat on floor, he kneeled/sprawled on a foot stool. I think it was a conversation saver - made it a lot less intense and my face is an open book, so it helped me keep things very calm

[AJM80]

Sent H a quick pic of D weds night, a 1 sentence email request that he bring our photo storage drive today,, then later a text that D wanted to talk to him. I felt like I was very out of touch, but that seems like a lot for the sitch (not for us in general).

He called D (who was sobbing about missing her dad at the time), she talked for a second, then hung up, he called back. I don't cave every time she asks for him - I don't want her manipulating me. However, I want to reinforce for her that he is around.

Last night he texted a brief news item - I ignored it/already had seen it.

So, I think I'll plan on dressing up a little and leaving tonight. I should have made a date, but that seems like a bit much. I don't plan on using innocent people to get through this or finding someone I care for now and complicating things.

I won't be weird, but I also won't hang around as if nothing is different. I want to shake the status quo a bit more. At times in the last day+, I have been angry. Partly because he's still with her (although I had assumed he was hitting bars and hooking up...maybe he's doing both) and party because we're coming up on a year since he cheated.

I think I'll actually need to stick around tonight - I have fam coming in days and have to pack/organize for our trip! Maybe I'll kick them out.