Somewhere between filing and D

[MichelleLT]

Glad all your GAL stuff is on such a roll! It's nice to be busy with your own stuff and not spend too much time dwelling on them and the past.

Glad she had fun on her trip. Those kinds of anniversaries are always hard, I'm sure she appreciated you sending her the song.

Just focus on the GAL and you. Give it time and space to play out.

[jon2911]

W texted Saturday from the NY airport asking if she could borrow $250 and pay me back next week. I tried to call and she didn't pick up. I texted "I'd love to help but have some questions first. Call when you can."

She tried to call but I was busy doing something really fun for work and missed it. She texted

"Okay. Tried to call you but missed you. I'll make it work, nevermind about the loan. About to board my flight back".

Later that night she texted "Hey Jon. Just thought I'd let you know I'm back in Tejas"

I responded "Great! Thanks for letting me know".

Without trying to be controlling, my questions for her would definitely have been whether she's still going through with the D and what the next steps are. Asking to borrow money in that situation is insane. So it's either she's reconsidering a bit, or just not thinking straight.

My weekend was fantastic, and so full of great times with friends and some work thrown in. This exchange might have really brought me down before. It hurts to not be able to help her. It feels good that I easily could have. Good stuff this week as well in all of my jobs. TGIF!

[MichelleLT]

That's a totally reasonable boundary to have. Things have to change with S and D, both for your mental health and for any chance of R. It's important to detach and let them fend for themselves, feel what it's like to not be in that R, otherwise they can't miss the unconditional love and support that was theirs to have.

Glad you had a good weekend. And that job stuff is going well! You have been busy busy!

[jon2911]

Great weekend, met with K4D and TulsaTime from here and another guy as well. Love Hard Eight Barbecue. Helped build my friend's house out at camp as well.

Went last night to the first In-N-Out in Texas. Man the crowds are crazy! Very good. Went and worked out after that and watched the Mavs make it to the finals. Too bad for the Lakers

Nice texts with W back and forth, contact had been kind of low so thought I'd give it a shot.

Today she asked me if I'm still driving my truck, and I told her that I still have the rental car. It's been such a blessing. We were texting about some other stuff, and she said "I obviously haven't had a chance to send the paperwork yet". I just ignored that. Not going to talk about D papers on SMS.

She mentioned that I might not need to insure the truck if I'm not driving it. Right now she's paying the truck insurance and I'm paying the IRS payment because it's about the same.

So, sounds like she might be moving forward with things. Or thinking about it. I might send her an e-mail because that's what she requested. Thinking of taking a chance and sending her something from "Army Wives" the summer she left. I've been watching it a lot. We enjoyed that show so much right up until S.

The video is a song called "Wounded Heart", and I really remember it getting to me that summer. It really describes our sitch I think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhIsOqJMkmM

Wounded heart
I cannot save you from yourself
Though I wanted to be brave
It never helps
Cause your trouble's like a flood
Raging through your veins
And no amount of love's enough
To end the pain

Tenderness and time can heal
A right gone wrong
But the anger that you feel
Goes on and on
And it's not enough to know
That I love you still
So I'll take my heart and go
For I've had my fill

If you listen you can hear
The angels' wings
Up above our heads so near
They are hovering
Waiting to reach out for love
When it falls apart
When it cannot rise above
A wounded heart

[Queen_of_Swords]

Those are really powerful lyrics. Thank you for sharing!

[jon2911]

Thanks Scylla!

Talked with W several times over the weekend, helping her aunt and uncle with their new iPad and iPhone. I could tell she wanted an excuse to call, and it was nice.

Tuesday night, she asked if I could call after work. I tried and didn't get ahold of her, got a text "sorry have a headache today". I tried again after watching the Mavs game. She had her business voice on, told me the lawyer spelled my name wrong so she's having that revised and then will send me the D papers.

I really had no response to that. Just doesn't make any sense at all what she's doing right now. I stayed quiet. She said "just wanted to give you an update".

I said "hope you start feeling better" and hung up.

I have to be honest, it got to me. I didn't sleep much that night. I just really don't want to donate a few grand to a lawyer right now, and had an overwhelming mix of anger, disbelief and confusion.

Fortunately Wednesday I had meetings for breakfast and lunch, and then practice with some guys for a show I'm playing June 12th. We went out to drinks afterwards and had such a great time. At 1:30 AM they offered to let me crash there. It's also my pastor's house, which felt kind of weird. I made a joke about being a 30-year-old bum crashing at places, and the pastor's son said "Man, you're easily the coolest 30-year-old I know".

I needed that. Just completely don't feel that way at all. Almost started crying actually. None of my checklist for 30 years old has happened. Marriage-wise, career-wise, any of it. I feel like such a failure. The outside perspective was nice.

Yesterday W got a cool little bonzai azalea tree I ordered for her a couple weeks ago. Interesting timing. I had a coupon code that was going to expire anyway, so thought "what the heck?" She tried to call and I ignored it, so she texted thanks and a picture of it. Later she texted "watching the Mavs?" and I ignored that too. I don't really want to deal with her for a little while.

Though I was watching the game, at the arena, one of the greatest comebacks in Finals history. Just incredible. Having so much fun basking in it today. This city is ready for a championship. So really, everything in my life is going well except for W, her crap and the crap she's causing me. A thought comes to mind: screw that.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Heh...just for fun. Forget you!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKxodgpyGec

[jon2911]

Ha ha, I love it!

Had a great, full day yesterday. W texted as I was about to go to bed "are you free?"

I texted that I had to get up early, but could talk for a little while. She asked about how Dallas is going crazy after the win, thanked me for the little bonzai azalea tree and told me about it. She asked "what was the occasion?" I said no occasion really, just wanted to brighten her day. I order it a couple weeks ago.

"Oh, she said. Did you regret sending it now?"

I told her no, and dropped the subject. We talked for a little while more, and then I told her I was tired and ended the conversation. Pretty good I think. I wasn't in the mood to address the subject any more than that. W is spending time with her family this weekend.

Good time playing disc golf this morning, then moving my new roommate in today. He won't be fully in until the end of the month, but will slowly move in until then. A little nervous and mixed feelings, as this feels like a big step to moving on, but I'm excited overall.

[MichelleLT]

Glad you are keeping busy.

Don't let the roommate thing feel like it closes off doors. That can always be changed later if circumstances require. Just do what you need to do for you right now.

[jon2911]

Glad you are keeping busy.

Don't let the roommate thing feel like it closes off doors. That can always be changed later if circumstances require. Just do what you need to do for you right now.

This is such good advice. DBing 101 I know, but I'm still learning. And the better I feel, the better for everything.

Things really warmed up for a few days. Good long talk on Wednesday, and I got a call while W was on the phone that the police found my motorcycle! It's repainted white with no seat, pipes or ignition, but mechanically seems just fine. Working with the insurance on it.

Saturday she asked if I made the IRS payment because she got a certified mail notice. Told her yes but I'd double-check. Had some contact with W every day until Monday. When I was on the way to welcome the world champion Mavs home from the airport, W called and we chatted for a bit, then she said she's finally got the D papers ready and asked how she should send them. I told her she can e-mail me about that and ended the call. She called back crying, said she just wants to do this nicely, doesn't want to serve me, and wants an answer. I told her she could e-mail me.

I just don't get it. Why did she feel such a need to tell me that? And if she's so emotional about it, why go through with it? I wasn't going to let it ruin my day.

Later that day, a text "I'm sorry to upset you, e-mail is fine".

Yesterday I verified that the IRS check had gone through, and sent her a picture of it. I sent her another e-mail which I'll post later.

She responded "thanks for getting back to me. I wasn't able to get to the post office b4 leaving town. Will be back in PA Monday."

Then another "sleep well. Goodnight"