S3 and I are both still sick. Had to go home from work today as S3 had a very high temp. He's ok now though.
We were supposed to see H. Thankfull that we didn't have to. Still don't feel like seeing him.
I messaged to tell him S3 was sick so best not to see him till the weekend. He was fine with it. I'm sure he has plans with OW.
Received a text from H tonight telling me he called the bank about selling our house. He said that it wouldn't cost that much to break the contract of the home loan. We had originally agreed that we wouldn't sell it till next Feb when the tenants lease expires. But H is insisting that he cannot afford to pay the mortgage even though he just received a massive pay increase. I'm an accountant so I'm quite good with figures and believe me when I say that he can definitely afford it. He just wants to free up his monetary obligations as well as any connections that tie us together. The last thing to do would b to get a divorce as everythig else has been sorted.
Anyway, I replied to his text by saying that I was sorry to hear about his financial difficulties (seriously how many pairs of jeans does one guy need? In the last 2 months he's purchased 6). I also said that I was not in any financial position to help him cover the cost to pay the bank for breaking the loan. However, if this is what he wanted to do then I would not stop him.
He said that we wouldn't have to pay the money unless we sold the house. To which I again replied - if this is what u want to pursue I will not stop you. I won't help you but I won't get in your way
He replied by saying the sale of the house would be beneficial for both of us. It would free him up financially so he could give me money for S3. Then he said "I'm so sorry everything has turned out like this. I never meant for it to happen. I miss you both so much. Take care". To which I replied "everything happens for a reason".
I wondered whether I should have said something nicer. But then realised this is MLC talk. I mean he's trying to cut ties with me. Why should I be nice.
I had a bit of a cry over his "I miss you" text. Built up emotions over the last couple of weeks but I'll get over it.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
As you know S3 has been sick now for two weeks. I stayed home all week to look after him. H was meant to look after him tonite but I said that it was probably best if he stayed home with me to speed up his recovery. But that I was more than happy for him to spend all day tomorrow with him.
This evening I received a text from H saying that he is as equally capable of looking after S3 when he is sick. Therefore he should have looked after him tonite. I took offense because i wasn't saying he wasn't capable I just wanted to have S3 home. Anyway I broke the DB rules by replying and I said I thought he was a great and capable dad. But I was dissapointed to receive such a hostile text. He replied by saying he couldn't care less if I was dissapointed. I replied with I'm sorry you feel that way. S3 misses you too. There was a bit more to the text but that was the general tone.
This has been the first time that H has been confrontational. Normally because he is passive aggressive he just plays nice (too nice) and then runs away.
MIL rang me and told me that H was hurting. I felt like saying who cares! I've been hurting for months. She told me a bunch of stuff that H had told her which was completely untrue but she believed them. She stated that she had tried to help and she really stuck her neck out to help me. OMG! This is exactly what everyone here was trying to warn me about. Blood is thicker than water.
Here are a few things she said:
- I'm not saying who's wrong or right. To which I replied, well I have text messages to prove I'm right. - You know what H is like.... you should try to make it easier for him or he'll run away if he feels it's too hard. Excusing his behaviour! - He has every right to see S3 as much as he likes and you shouldn't control when or for how long. Again I was gobsmacked! - The Wednesday nite outings are good for S3 to show positive parenting. I said it hurt to sit there knowing my husband is sleeping with OW. She said well if you're going to act like a hurt wife it's never going to work. OMG!
I'm livid just livid!
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
OMG...I feel for you when it comes to the meddling MIL....She was a big big part of our seperation in 2007...I actually asked my lawyer if I could divorce the biotch. insted of my hubby. He laughed and said NO...sorry, and that was the first time he had been asked that ?
I'm sorry your passive / aggresive hubby is responding this way..
The best thing I ever did was ditance myself from his MOM. Tell her the next time she calls that you won't discuus your realtionship with her regarding her son ( your Husband )PERIOD
I would stop the contact with your husband at this point......I know you have a child involved so going dark / black is not possible, but all interactions should be short percise and be willing to be the first one to say Over and OUT.
Thats sounds like good advise from your MIL. I know how heated things can get during this process, bad things said, feelings hurt, played that blame game for a long time.
Wishing you the best.and your son a speedy recovery ( Old peds nurse here )
Oh Girl!! That is just what I was worried about!! The biggest thing that struck me that MIL said was the WED. night dinners were showing positive parenting. No it's not! It only gives mixed signals and confuses your S3!!
(((HUGS)))
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
H just came to pick up S3. He looked like he had been crying. He said he was very hurt by everything that is going on ie he believes I'm using S3 against him. Urrrrggghhh
Then he told me that he wants to file for 50 per cent custody of S3 cos MIL said that they needed to spend more time together. I can't believe this! He does everything she tells him! The puppet master at her best! She's not even taking into account what's best for S3! The fact that H is not a good father ATM. She doesn't see that. I know why she is doing this. It's because H lives a block away from her and now she can have more time with S3. Just another puppet to control! He'll no!
PS all three of MILs kids have behavioural/mental problems. H has had depression since he was a kid. But this went away when we got together. SIL is bipolar and BIL is ADD. And all 3 kids live within 500 metres of MIL. Talk about control control control!
I would love advise on how to handle this. MIL is pushing H to gain 50 per cent access to S3. How do I handle this?
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Did he really say that his mom told him to file for 50%?
If so I would talk to your MIL and discuss your concerns. Nicely.
If you keep thinking of her in a negative light, you are not going to get anywhere. Your H is entitled to 50% unless he is deemed unfit. Despite how you feel, she is his grandparent and if she misses your S, it's understandable. You would feel the same even if your child was being a douche.
Be the mature one and discuss it with her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Then he told me that he wants to file for 50 per cent custody of S3 cos MIL said that they needed to spend more time together. I can't believe this! He does everything she tells him!
I do know that this must hurt you and must worry you ... but if you separate yourself from the emotions for a moment, or as we say ... detach ... you'll see that he does actually have the right to 50% custody. He's your son's father, and boys need their dads.
In my experience, the kids who adjust best to separated/divorced parents, and in particular those who manage it best if their parents reunite, are those who have been kept completely out of the issues between their parents and whose parents have shared them (50/50 or as much as possible).
In relation to his mum telling him he should do it … well, mothers can be like that. But you should also think about if it’s easier for yr H to blame his mum than to stand up as a strong-man and say “This is what I want.” I’ve noticed many men with strong mothers, chose strong wives, they don’t seem to have the guts to make decisions, or appear to make decisions, on their own. You’ll often hear them say “my wife said I should ….” Or “my mother told me to…..”.
So I guess the issue for you is ;
Would 50/50 custody be in the best interests of your son, even if it means spending time with his grandmother? Again, think about this in a detached way, this isn’t about you and your H or his mother, this is about your little boy … there is good evidence that kids who have good relationships with their grandparents on both sides, develop into people who have good and loving relationships in their lives and value family. Kids are savvy. They love their grandparents, even when they are crazy or dysfunctional, but they figure out their grands limitations in their own way and their own time. The nicest thing about the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is the unconditional love that is quite unique from that between child and parent. Children need a village, they need lots of people from all different parts of their family and their world, who love them around them.
Remember
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He said he was very hurt by everything that is going on
So there is other stuff going on here for him, and you have the opportunity to use this little exercise to DB like a champion. What would a 180 be in this instance?
I really strongly suggest you read as many of 25yrsMLC posts as you can. That woman knows her stuff and she’s very good at her explanation of “keeping the way home paved and smooth”.
If saving your marriage is your ultimate goal, think carefully how you manage this issue. Please make your decisions from a rational place, in the best interests of your child. Take the emotion about what’s going on between you and your H out of it (I know that’s difficult, but it’s critical).
If you agree in principle, but tell him you have an expectation that he will arrange the paper work for the legal arrangements (and you should have a formal agreement in place for child custody arrangements if nothing else) – after all, this is his gig – you may find that depending on his state of mind, he just never gets around to it.
Good luck.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
