XYZ is here, but I won't be staying...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I have a few things X,

Even though I moved out a month ago, it was only about 5 days ago that I gave W the "it's over; I'm done" speech. And then....

Specifics of your DONE speech?
Please.

[XYZ]

I suggested Retroville. She declined and berated me for suggessting it. My reply "Ok, I'm done. I give up and I'm moving on with my life. I'll get my lawyer moving." Pretty short and not-so-sweet.

[XYZ]

I should add that since that moment, my behavior has been clear that I'm done. Not replying to her text until conventient for me, telling her (without arguing) when her behavior is crap instead of taking it, not initiating ANY contact, etc.

[XYZ]

And I can feel the reply in her. Just got a TM from her about something my D said that was funny. I just replied with a smilly face. She's increasing the reaching out to me in small ways. A couple weeks ago, I was sending HER those types of things and now they are the other way around.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

X,

I thought I was 'piecing' many times. Perhaps I was. But in hindsight, I do not think so.

First off, my wife was not in any good frame of mind. I am not going to try and convince you that 'life crisis' or the more common term 'mid-life-crisis' exists. I believe what I believe and that is all I need. To me, my wife had a mid-life crisis. That helped...alot.

And while this is a summary, I can already see this growing long.

My wife and I, have two children. We lived in a large apartment. Our friends moved in next door with their 2 children. We had 2 cats. Our friends were always over, including a friend mutual, who had no job, little reason to get one and more or less lived at our house when he wasn't sleeping at his parents house. My MIL moved in with us, she brought with her a dog.

Now our house was big, but it was always crowded. My complaint was that it was always crowded, and we started lossing sight of us. When that feel on deaf ears, or rather...ears that maybe understood but we were...unwilling to change the dynamic. I turned to video games to get away. My failing. That game became more important than anything else to me.

My wife turned to our slacker friend.

In the Summer of 05 we went on a trip just my wife and I to pick up MIL's car and drive it back to Anchorage. It was a great trip just her and me, and once we got back I jumped right back on the game.

In Sept I noticed things were 'wrong'. They had to be pretty bad for me to notice anything at the time. Too late, too little and all the wrong things. EA

In Oct. our mutual friend removed himself from our lives. Well not my wifes. PA she was still at home.

In November, she took time for herself and stayed at a hotel over Thanksgiving weekend. PA She was still at home. I found DB then.

In December, I told her to take time for herself. She stayed at a friends house, female. She still saw OM, I did my best not to contact her. PA. On Dec 19th the night of the school play. I saw her we talked nicely I thought things were well, we parted company I got home and my MIL was so very angry she drove by the OM's house. Saw my wife's Jeep there and went ballistic on her. My wife came home and we talked. Yelled. Went to bed. My wife stayed home until the first week of January. PA still going on.

Jan 06, I thought things were going well, but knew differently, she needed space. I found things that indicated she was still sleeping with OM. By this time I knew, but she was lying about it, I let myself doubt what I knew. PA. She went to stay at her friends house.

Feb. 06, I stopped by her work saw the flowers OM sent her got into a fight at her work. Denied anything other than friendship.
Still at firends house. PA.

May 06, still at her friends house, she would occasionally call to talk to the boys every other night, maybe every third night. Tried doing family things on weekends. PA.

Apr 06, My wife takes a leave of abscence from her work, to go to California and Colorado. To help her Father and clear her head. I cracked her email by then. Since OM had gotten a job working for the company my MIL worked for, I also knew through her that he had taken a week off of the same time frame.

I told myself that if this wasn't a last fling type of thing (without telling her, so it wasn't a boundary, because the spouse HAS to know too) I was done. She had gotten a storage unit, and I asked her for the code; just in case anything happened and I needed to get into it.
He got back fro his trip and I checked her email it was far from a last fling thing.
I took all of her stuff from my house and jammed it into her storage unit.

Then the next time she called me, I told her that I was done and I didn't care if she lived with him at his parents house, or slept outside, she had no home here.

Needless to say that didn't go over well. She felt like I tricked her. I just laughed and said, yes, I suppose I did.

We talked on the phone over the course of the next few days weeks and it actually got nicer?

Early May 06, I allowed myself to get hopeful, I helped her pick out an apartment when she got back, went to look at a bunch with her, she ended up getting one a block away. Not the one I wanted her to get.

We talked of me moving in when the lease was up, we talked about her having a deadline to get rid of OM, and how it had to be...careful as he was and is a bit...off. Stalker. Oh and...PA still.

Set the deadline for Jun 15th. An annivesary of sorts for us.
When we went out as a family, my youngest wanted me to hold his hand, NOT her when we crossed streets or parking lots...that killed her.

She is open and lets me know when he stops by and calls. I am spending time over there. Our boys start sleeping there and we split the week.

Jun 16th, I drive by her apartment, his car is there. At night. I pound on the door until she answers. It takes awhile. She comes outside. "You were having sex."
"Yes, it was goodbye sex."
"Oh that wasn't LAST night?"
"He isn't taking no for an answer."

I go inside, Sit by the fireplace where he is sitting. I smoke, I tell her that this is f-ed up. How all she has ever said is nothing but a lie. She gets defensive.
I stand up, look at both of them and laugh, "You know what? You guys deserve each other. Don't talk to me unless it is about our boys or our bills."
She starts yelling at me.
"All I hear are lies coming from you, good luck, I'm done."

The next day, everything else that was hers I leave on her driveway. While I am loading up another carload, she pulls inot my driveway and tells me to stop she wants to do this her way. I tell her I don't care about her way, I want it gone now, so either its on her porch or I'm throwing it away.

We get into the biggest fight we every had. She claws me, and I push her away, because of that, because of me pushing her away I hit her head against the side of our house. My fault in that, she comes at me with nails, I put my hand on her chest to keep her off of me.

She believes I was trying to strangle/choke her.
I keep telling her that if I was she'd be dead.
We have come to conclusion that neither of our memories of that afternoon are to be trusted with all the anger going on.

She leaves. She filed a police reort on me, but begged them not to arrest me when she found out it was standard operating procedure when a domestic violence charge is filed. Turns out they didn't arrest me. She listned to the OM and his parents in filing the charge.

Well...she calls me to tell me stop leaving her stuff in her driveway. I ask her if I should just throw it away then, she says no, and I say well this is how your getting it.

Summer of 06.

Anytime she called or emailed me and it wasn't about our boys or our bills, I would delete the email after scanning it, or if it was onthe phone, I'd say; "So we are done talking now?"

No happy faces, no ok's.
Nothing.

PA still going on.

In Sept 06, the 16th? She called and before I said anything she begged me to listen to her. She wanted one last chance.
I told her I needed to think about it.

I did and we took it. With Boundaries and ground rules.
No OM, no PA. When he did come around and he would she had to tell me. When he called she had to tell me. I could look anywhere in her house and on her phone, until I trusted her again. We would keep our seperate apartments and Neither of us would tell the boys about this. I would leave getting rid of OM up to her, in her way.

Start slowly.

To be honest I expected her to fail. I...wanted her to fail.

Oct 06, Halloween.
She is working at a bar, that night, that day she talks and suggests we could just be friends. I say as long as OM isn't the reason...ok. Friends. I wasn't surprised. In the bar she doesn't wear her ring...makes sense working. In the bar I dance with cute pirate chick. She comes out on the dance floor and yells some choice curse words at me. To say I am...stunned isn't the right word.

I follow her behind the bar grab her left hand hold it up pointing out the missing ring and yell the words back. I go outside she follows.

She loses her job, on the spot but we talk. We talk, I saw the yawning ledge in front of me, and while I was tempted to jump into it, I pulled back and we talk. About our R and sit outside in the cold for hours.

EA? PA? don't know. Don't think so...EA yes. PA...really don't think so.

November 06, she goes back down to California to finish helping her father. I'm checking her email, she meets a guy she connects with, similar problems.

EA...possible PA 1 night stand hard to tell. I don't know. I never brought it up.

Dec 06 - current
piecing.

Every day is easier than the one before it.
Every day I piece.
Everyday until I die.

My wife was broken with her MLC, she came out of it fragile. She is stronger now than she ever has been. Just as 'we' are stronger now than ever.

We have been through hell together.

We talk about it occasioanlly. Not in a fight way, but more quiet moments when we are grateful.

We only regret the pain we caused the other, but we never regret that it happened, what we have now? It wouldn't have happened any other way.

[XYZ]

Jack - First, thank you! I hope that didn't open old wounds for you and wasn't too painful to write. As I read it, I felt guilty having asked you to do that, but thank you. It was very helpful to me. After my first piecing attempt failed, I was inclined to say "well, that's it. That was the second chance, game over." But not necessarily - as your story shows.

Second, I'm with you on the life crisis. My W is in crisis. No doubt about it and it's way bigger for her than her relationship with me. Now she would say that I'm the cause of all of it, but chicken and the egg, you know? Which came first, hard to say. Anyway, she's in crisis. She was 36 when this started, is 37 now, so don't know if I would call it "mid-life", but it's the same for sure.

I think I am where you where in the Summer of 06. Will she come back for the next chance? Who knows? I sure don't, and I don't think she does either. Do I want her to? You bet - but only with a real commitment and ground rules. No more fake piecing. Will I win either way? Absolutely. I already have.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

What you do not see in that summary, is the change in me. The positive changes she saw in me, or the good times we had, even if she was living a double life at the time. (With or without my knowledge)

There are some who will only point to the boundaries I put down. And tell people this is how Jack did it, this is what he meant, and this is how he did it. : )

Well, I, Jack am saying in part, the boundaries when properly placed work, but only in conjunction with the changes in yourself. Learning how to make changes monitor results, learn to communicate...DB.

The LRT? is called a Last Resort, I very much tried everything before going to the Last Resort as the name implies.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

And...your welcome.

Not that painful...I felt a little passions when I was writting it ; ) but the old wounds? They are scars, and more healed than I thought.

The bonus?

It might help you.

AND then next time somone asks for it, I can point them here.

[XYZ]

It's been a really tough week. W is continuing to reach out to me. It's (very) small, but evident. An example: she just now sent me a text that she's depositing her paycheck tomorrow. I reply "ok". (BTW, that's a 180, normally I would have asked the amount - she's self employed -- but not this time). Now, that seems like nothing but she's never done this before and that's one example of several small ones I could list.

Now, my problem... A week ago was in a good spot emotionally. I felt like I had let go, I was having fun meeting other women (Nothing serious!) and was moving on. Now, I'm back in the soup. I read this board constantly, I think about W, I hope and pray for her return, I have no interest in other women (even though I now have several chasing ME!), etc, etc.

Do I really think it's changing? No, I don't. Do I want it to? No doubt. I just don't know how to balance moving on with keeping at least a flame of hope alive. I seem to be all one or the other....

[XYZ]

It continues. She's reaching out to me more and conversing (via text, anyway) longer. I respond, but that's about it. Interesting game we play here, isn't it gang?

Earlier today she took the kids shopping for Father's Day. She sent me a TM asking about a particular book for my father.

I replied that I wasn't sure if he had it, but I got it for myself a couple weeks ago and joked that "I guess you're still in my head".

She replied: "sorry I'm still in your head".

Me: "it's ok, there's plenty of room". (fun fun, jokey jokey guy!)

Her: "well I know that I'm not your favorite person"

Me: "You're exactly my favorite person, I just get that it's not mutual" (Not sure I should have said that, but oh well)

Her: "Well, lately I'm not"

I didn't reply. She can feel the loss and I want her to!

That was a few hours ago, now more....she keeps texting me. I just reply in a non-needy, fun way. Nothing more. She's texting me right now telling me about how she/kids got me an iPod for F-day and she's setting it up all by herself. I follow the basic rules, I stop first - leave her wanting more. She's leaning. Come on honey, lean lean lean....you can do it.