Ive been posting in the new comers area but I think i might be past that now. So my H of 11 years has decided that I have beaten him down over the last few years and has no hope for me to change. I tried to force him to Therapy which I learned from my DB phone session that was not good. He had a session with the T right before ours together and in the couples session the T said things like.. Do you have a contingency plan, and Why are you holding on and also everything has its time. He didnt actually say that we should divorce but he was getting at it and I wanted to cuss at him. This was only our second visit and I know my husband is a WAS and Im fighting the fight of my life. He has been lying about things and im pretty sure talking to someone becuase he has suddenly had to work all night a lot lately. Well after our session at the T I woke him up the next morning asked him if he thought T was helping and he thought it over and said no. I told him that we didnt have to go any more and that we could just keep things the way they are with him being "undecided" since he hadnt actualy said "i want a divorce" to me. My neighbor stopped me that afternoon and reported that my H told her H that i agreed to a D and no more counseling. Then He said he would pay for everything and the neighbor asked if he had someone on the side that would not work and my H just smiled. This infuriated me that he might have said this but I kept my cool and didnt call him. Well of course he had to work last night which I knew was a lie but I let him think I believe him for now. He didnt text or call so at 4am when my alarm went off i sent him a TXT saying I know he is busy working and asking if he would be home to take the kids before I went to work. He replied 30mins later yes. I got dressed and put my face on and looked really good.. When he walked in the door he saw me and took a double take an then gave me a hug. I hugged back but that was it I was chipper and excited to see him. I told him that I wanted to talk etc. Now he smelled of clean clothes and had tire type stuff on his pants, face and shirt as if it has been placed there but his shirt wasnt sweaty or pulled at like it would be if he had worked in an attic all night. (He is in construction). I sat him down knowing im not supposed to talk about our R but I needed to say this..
ME: I need to clarify what I said yesterday about no going to T anymore. H:okay Me: I meant that I will not force you to go and I will give you all the time and space you need to make your decision. However that does not change my view of things I am still commited to our M. I want you to take as much time as you need to make your choice and in the meantime I know you are working very hard for your company. However the kids are missing you a lot and crying since they havent seen you in several nights. (this made him tear up). Also I want to say that I want you to be here in the house while you make your decision and even after your make it no matter what it is that you stay here then as long as you want. Also when you make your decision that you will tell me first and no one else. H: okay
????Was this a big backslide????
I know his clothes were staged and he is with OW now what he is actually doing I dont know. He originally said he wanted to work things out but then changed his mind. I am determined that my family will not get lost as a statistic and I am making myself better. He is noticing me since ive lost 25lbs in a month im going out tomorrow night and he is keeping the kids so i will use that to my advantage also.
It is almost like I can see the future and I dont like the mountain I have to climb. I see him wanting a D but not having the moxsy to tell me to my face. He is afraid of my reaction that I might go crazy on him which ive never ever done! I realize that I have made MAJOR mistakes and am fixing myself to better me not him. However I want my marriage. I made all of our choices from dinner to movies and he just worked on his business and i did everything else. I will not allow him make me decide he MUST tell me and if he files I will tear it up!!!! I am stronger than any OW he can find and I know him better than anyone. I just dont get where he got this fog or alien from..
I just need some support to let me know if I am doing right by asking him to stay. I do need him and so do the kids...
_______________ H:31 W: 34 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-8 Still in home He has been this way for about 5 weeks... I started DB really this week..
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
I don't think it's wrong to ask him to stay, so much as it would be if you pressured him to stay. Saying, "I'm committed to our marriage and I'd like you to stay here with your family while you think about what to do next," is fine. Begging, pleading, getting angry and/or talking about M and R all the time would be a mistake. You want him to feel comfortable staying and being at home, and not like it's a ploy or a trap or just plain miserable.
Now, that said, to keep the pressure off you have to allow him the option to leave if he wants, and do not be surprised if he takes that option. In fact, don't freak out if he announces such a thing. If he is really undecided, then the ambivalence is probably killing him. If he has a conscience at all, having OW is probably killing him too. He may be getting pressure from OW on the other side and while you may have more staying power than her in the long run, she may have a little more pull while he's in the fog. If he decides to leave, be straight about how you don't want him to go, but that you won't stop him. (Truth is, you can't stop him if he wants to go, and trying will only make both of you miserable and/or mad.)
The best way to be ready to handle the possibility that he might leave is the same way you can attract him back. Keep working on yourself for your own sake and go about getting a life. Try not to let yourself get sucked into agonizing over your situation, but rather focus on your kids, your friends, your hobbies, etc.
Zero thank you for your response! This weekend was a BIG eyeopener and I backslid however I think it was really needed. I was implementing my new life and was out with mutual friends and I couldnt hold it in and let them know. They have known him and I for as long as we have been together and know what a good man he is. After my talk with them I went from shocked and grief stricken to mad about being lied to. I immediately cut short my evening went home to my sleeping H and woke him up. I calmly demanded that he tell me who he had been with and went over ever lie that I knew about etc. He was floored at my direct approach. I explained to him that I was his wife and I deserved respect and honesty without question and he agreed. He finally came out and said that he had not been with anyone else ( I do believe him) and that he had been staying at friends houses so he didnt have to come home and face me. We reviewed every question i had about where and when and all of it made sense and I believed him. Then he said that he had been doing this becuase he didnt want to face me and actually tell me he wanted to leave. We talked and talked and i offered him to stay and for us to do db together etc. There were several other options i offered and we talked for over an hour. Then after passing the mirror in the bathroom I realized that I had to stop. I went back and told him that he needed to tell me to my face exactly what he wanted. He could not get the words "i want a divorce" out of his mouth no matter how hard he tried. I watched him for over 15 minutes cry and try and each time he could not do it. Finally I suggested that we possibly have a seperation instead of doing anything drastic since I wouldnt sign any papers anyway. He jumped on that and seemed glad that I had suggested that. The reason i went ahead and did all of that was that he is in pain and isnt coming home because he doesnt want to be near me. Him seperating himself from our home is not good however I think he needs the time away to clarify where his real feelings are coming from. I do believe that he is depressed and stressed and is possibly in a MLC even though he is young. I can see my role in the crumble of our marriage now it was both of us but my part is very evident. I packed his bag for him on Sat while he was working and I went out when he came home. He was nice enough to bring me dinner and then when he got his things together on Sunday I saw something that gave me hope. I had written him a love letter a week or so ago that said all of the great things about him that I loved etc. he said i hadnt ever told him any of those things. He took the letter with him instead of leaving it in a drawer at the house. He came over last night to tell the kids the situation and before we did that I held his hands and told him we dont have to do this. He said I know but I do have to do this so I can figure out how to be happy. I wrote him another letter telling him I respected him and his choices not matter how they hurt. That I hoped he could find the peace he needs and get rid of the pain he was in. I also said that when and if he was ready the kids and I would be waiting for him.
I feel much better since all of this has happened like a huge weight is gone. Of course it hurts not having him there however worrying about him and hoping he would secretly hold me at night isnt a problem now. I am not saying I love you, not calling him or texting him and being very upbeat and making plans. I ask how he is and thank him for the things he does, and try to not linger around him.
Im praying that the fog lifts and he realizes we can have a great marriage again and it is worth fighting for. However if he does not I am also prepared for that downfall as well. Only time will tell .. In the meantime im praying and found a new church by my house.. He did agree to go to come to church with the kids and I on Sunday but Im still standing my ground. _______________ H:31 W: 34 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-8 Seperated living apart He has been this way for about 6 weeks...
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Funny how this process is very manic! I was okay yesterday until the drive home and then i started to get frantic and mad. That is one thing think i havent done yet is get mad. I took my son to an appointment and hadnt contacted my H since the morning other than for some bill stuff and the kids. About 6:00 he sent me a text asking about the kids and I saw it but chose to ignore it for a while. I waited a good forty minutes before replying that my son was doing well but my D was not doing well. She was whiney, clingy and fighting with her brother. Then he talked to them on the phone for a while and when they handed the phone back to me he had hung up. That really hurt me and made me cry..... After we were home and getting ready for bed my D started to cry for her dad which made me cry. I called him crying and explained the situation and he talked to her and then when the phone was returned to me again he had hung up. This time i called him back and asked why he had hung up and he said he was coming over. When he arrived I greeted him happily and then stayed away while he played with the kids. My D cried and begged him to stay home etc and I know it hurt him a lot.
I was very angry at him and I wanted to say a lot of things like why are you hurting me, our family and our kids? I wanted to call him selfish and on and on.. I kept my anger in check and smiled and wished him a good evening and took care of my D. My D wouldnt calm down until she could sleep in his spot in our bed.. He came this morning to pick them up and he is keeping them with him all day which is good for them. I made him a cup of coffee the way he likes and put it in a to go mug for him and he seemed thankful. He told me he didnt sleep at all last night and I listened to him and told him that I understood it was hard for him. He also mentioned going to the doctor to get some medicine something which his mom and I had both requested a week or so ago and this made me happy. I left it in his hands though...
One thing he said that made me sad was when he was getting ready to leave. He said that he would wants to get the kids and take them for a whole day every week. I think this hurt because it seems to extend the time he is away longer than I am praying for. I know he needs his time I just wonder if he will outlast me..
Im still praying for him and our family several times a day!
_______________ H:31 W: 34 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-8 Seperated living apart He has been this way for about 6 weeks...
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
New Day, New Dawn... I cant seem to tell which end is up sometimes.. He took the kids with him all day yesterday because he felt bad about them missing him. They didnt get home until 8pm and I know he was tired and I asked him if he wanted to stay at our house since he was so tired. Of course it was a no. Then I stopped him and told him he could call me to talk if he needed to that it was okay. He stopped and kind of had a sad look in his eyes and then he said okay and left.
He was late again this morning to get the kids but I didnt say anything. Three days now he cannot make it our house in time for me to leave for work. I just smile and tell him to have a great day and not to worry about it.
This morning I thought i would try a different 180 that is on the nice end of spectrum. I used to just get up, get dressed and wake up the kids and leave them for him. Today I got up early got ready then fixed a complete breakfast. The kids were really happy to have homemade food for breakfast instead of donuts with dad. I also made him a full cup of coffee and put it in a to go mug.
Not sure if this is too much but it was a 180 that seemed to make sense for me.. Im feeling more like I need to detach so I dont keep feeling these horrible emotions. Just not sure the best way to do that..
______________________________________ H:31 W: 34 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-8 Seperated living apart He has been this way for about 6 weeks...
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Detachment is really hard, but it is what you need to do. You are handling this admirably. It's so good that you can let go of him and love him at the same time.
He is undoubtedly still agonizing. I know I couldn't bring myself to actually say the word "divorce" until it was happening. Whenever I talked about the two of us parting, H would ask me if I loved him. I always got tripped up on that, because I did and still do love him. Leaving someone you love is like ripping your own heart out. I've been on both sides of leaving and being left, and it hurts both ways.
Anger is understandable, but it's also not healthy. You need to find a way to get past it. It seems like you are doing that. Keep up the tood work and take care of yourself.
Detachment, Detachment, Detachment.... Such an easy thing to say but much harder to do.. Well my breakfast didnt do much.. I have stopped making him coffee in the morning like I had been and now I have noticed he wont look me in the eye or really at all. He came by the house yesterday to get something from the garage but didnt come in or say anything or even call.
He was late again this morning so every day this week he has been late to get the kids. I just keep smiling and offer to take them so he wont have to... I had a better day yesterday until his mom called and mentioned he was coming to a family party that he previously told me he wouldnt attend. Then my mind started to race thinking of how he wont talk to me and he would ignore me... I have noticed that he is no longer taking phone calls from anyone other than his mother who is concerned about his behavior just like me.
Even people who just want to chat or check on him he wont talk to them. I think because he is trying to ignore what everyone will tell him or ask him since he cannot think about it right now. I do truly believe he will come back to us one day asking for forgiveness but I dont know if I can let go of the anger then.. We shall see..
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Every day seems like a deluge of information that opens my eyes more and more. This weekend i actually talked to my H regarding some things which may have been a backslide but it helped me so im okay with that. He ignored the fact his children were sick so I got all over him about that. After being up all night with both kids with fever i got really mad. I called him at 6am when im sure he was out all night and told him what I thought about him not caring.
He came right over and brought things for the kids and gave me excuses about not knowing they were sick. Not true so I toldh im he should have cared to know what was wrong with them and not just assumed I was being mean. I also told him that even though he was fine to hurt me I wasnt going to hurt him especially with the kids. We talked several times while he was there all day with the kids. He told me that he was angry with me and hurt by me basically making all of the decisions in our marriage that got us to where we are. When I questioned which decisions he said from what we watched on TV to making him feel bad when he went away for the weekend and he came home to an angry wife. I listened and agreed I was not always the wife I should have been. I did disagree with his description of how we got to where we are correcting one of his memories of why we moved out of our first apartment. He blamed that on my need for dental work and I corrected that telling him it was becuase we BOTH chose to save for a home. Most of this was because he wanted a dog and we got a dog and we had problems with our apartment after that. I then told him that before he Crucifies me again about a memory he better make sure it is an accurate memory.
I then told him while he was making his list of things that I had done to him to ruin his life to add a few things. Then I reminded him of how I encouraged him to choose his career then to start his buisiness and I funded this business as well as support him. I also got onto him about being on time to get the kids in the morning.
Now this was not an angry conversation between us but a very good back and forth of information. My H did break down at one point saying that he was always doing things for everyone else and nothing for himself and I did give him a long hug which he accepted.
I did tell him that he was present every time we made decisions and he replied by saying he disagreed with some of them. I asked why he didnt speak up he said because he didnt want to cause waves in our relationship. So he doesnt like where he is at with his life and blames me for it.
I reminded him that our relationship was easy and we were easy together we didnt have even try to be happy we just were. The kids, the location of our home even our plans for our home were things he did want.
He did stop wearing his wedding ring and this really HURT.. I told him so and told him I would keep wearing mine.. There were some positive things though he was helping me with some things i didnt ask for and he is looking me in the eyes again.
I told him also that I was not able to change the past that I was part of the problem but he was also. I was changing and could only make things better in the future but not change the past and his choices from now on were just that. His choices to be with someone else or to come home whatever it may be were all his to make. I wouldnt be hounding him or tracking him that I would just be living my life the best I could. I also told him that I was praying for him every day.. Not to come home but to find what he needed and the to be clear headed and be happy. I did mention his business and how it was failing sometimes and he said he was working really hard at making it great and it wasnt failing. I told him that I wished he was working that hard for his family since he should put his family first and not his business....
I know now he has to come to terms with his choices in life and eventually see where he took part. I cannot do that for him but I can be supportive and also move on with my life in a sense.
Im sure this is a HUGE backslide however I am glad I did it and made him talk to me. At least now I can take comfort in knowing why he believes me to be the source of his anger and pain. Now I truly know that I am not the source but his own battle will show him that in the long run. I can just pray that we can reconcile to get another chance for me to show him that I have changed and am still changing and he also needs to do the same.
Praying for strength a clear head and all the right words....
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Today I noticed some small things.. He was late again to get the kids but I didnt complain. He did eat leftover breakfast I made for the kids and seemed to chat a bit. He smiled and looked at me a couple of times and this seemed good since he wasnt looking at me before. The trash was full and he took that out without me asking at all and this surprised me.
Ive sent him a few texts recently about household things only and I always put to have a good day. He wasnt replying before only with answers to specific questions. Now he is at least replying U2 to my have a good day.
Our conversation is limited to the children right now unless I force R talk and Im full up on that right now. Ive been working out and focusing on my work to keep me busy along with the kids. Ive lost almost 30 pounds and I feel really great. I have plans the next two weekends which should be a blast. Im excited.. Not sure what to do about the holday weekend coming up.. The 4th of July is usually a big family thing for us..
Ill figure it out! Praying for a positive day and clear head!
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
