Pregnancy and the LD husband

[Dr.mom]

OK, needing advice from the guys out there.
Did your wife's pregnancy affect your sex-drive?
I'm shuffling thru LD/HD marriage issues and wondering how much the pregnancy might have turned him off. And wondering when the desire might ever return.

Yes, pregnancy knows no shame, and there is just too much **biology** to deal with, not for the faint at heart . . .

[SillyOldBear]

That's complicated. No, I wanted her all the time . . . but by the time she got pregnant (our teenage twins were adopted, so her first pregnancy was seven years into the marriage) we'd been in a sex-starved marriage for years already and I was desperate. That was also before I found this place and began to make any progress . . . so I don't know what it would have taken to make me less desperate for sex with her, but pregnancy did not do the trick.

She was quite annoyed by that; she was miserable during pregnancy and would have been quite content to be left alone. At the time, she might even have been hoping it would slow me down.

[Dr.mom]

I'm thinking of getting the Sex-Starved Wife and starting from there.
Then again, I don't think I'm the norm . ..
Always had a high sex drive, and pregnancy threw that into overdrive. I could understand my husband's trepidations, the big belly, and not being turned on to me . . but it's 4 months since the baby is born (via C-section). Recovery was swift and easy and I'm back to my old self (well, still have about 10 pounds to shed) but looking pretty damn good for a 40 year old who had a baby!

Yes children change everything, but I'm the one whose running around doing mommy-duty and everything else, and at the end of the night, when the baby is tucked into bed, the lawn is mowed and the kitchen cleaned . . . I want to jump his bones.
Yes. Like I said earlier . . .I'm not the norm.

Maybe it's all the breast-feeding. Turns him off. But it ramps up my oxytocin and other hormones . . .

Can men get post-partum depression?
I'd suggest he get seen for low testosterone, but you know how guys are about the doctor .. .

I still can't get him to even say the word "vasectomy" let alone talk to a doctor about one . . Guys just don't want to talk about their "man parts".

[Young at Heart]

....Did your wife's pregnancy affect your sex-drive?

Yes it did in several ways.

First, I became very protective of my wife and the about to be mother of my child and not wanting to do anything that might hurt her or our baby. Old wives tales about intercourse/orgasms causing contractions and labor really didn't help late term either. There really is such a thing as a madonna/whore complex that some men get.

Second, my wife went into a real self-image issue. Prior to becoming obviously pregnant, when she walked down the street guys checked her out. When she was "really" pregnant, she said that men no longer looked at her and she felt hideous. That lack of self confidence on her part translated into not being sexy around me, which translated into a lower level of sexual tension between us.

The complaining on her part about hemroids, swollen ankles, sciatic nerve pain, not being able to sleep, really made "taking her" or having passionate sex almost impossible.

So the quick answer was that as much as I still needed sex, later term pregnancy just about killed my sex drive and the sleep deprevation that followed, didn't help much. However, we eventually bounced back, which was mostly thanks to my wife knowing how important sex was to us.

Knowing what I know now, I would have tried to handle things a lot differently and tried for more sensual and touching sex during my wife's pregnancy. But as they say youth is lost on the young. Not really proud of how I reacted or interacted with my wife, but we survived and have two wonderful adult children.

[Young at Heart]

I'm thinking of getting the Sex-Starved Wife and starting from there.

...Maybe it's all the breast-feeding. Turns him off. But it ramps up my oxytocin and other hormones . . .

Can men get post-partum depression?
I'd suggest he get seen for low testosterone, but you know how guys are about the doctor .. .

I still can't get him to even say the word "vasectomy" let alone talk to a doctor about one . . Guys just don't want to talk about their "man parts".

Some additional "guy" comments.

By all means get the book, MWD is great!!!!

Breast feeding: What was once a sexual object of desire, became something functional and important to the health of our children. That was emotionally hard for me as I have always been a breast guy. Again, not proud of the way I handled things and would try to do things differently now.

I am not sure that guys get post-partum depression, but we do get sleep deprevations, a healthy dose of increased financial responsibility and like the weight of the world is not on our shoulders, a sense that we need to grow up and be responsible for a family. That is a lot of stress and change that can happen to a guy, which can result in mild depression. It was rude to realize that I had a mortgage, car payments, wife & children to feed and it all really depended mostly on my job. If for some reason things got bad at work, it was up to me to figure out how to make ends meet. That is real sobering.

As to low T, if he is over 40, tell him he is a dad and you need him to be healthy for the next 20 to 30 years and he will go get a complete physical, hormones, liver function, blood glucose, bone density, lipids, EKG, the whole nine yards.

Low T is really common these days with men over 40, especially if they are overweight. Belly fat can convert testosterone into estrogen in men and just kill their T levels and libido. It can do all kinds of other bad things as well. The CDC says taht 2/3rds of the adult US population is either overweight or obesse, which means that a huge number of men have low T levels.

Vasectomy.....that was something that my wife wanted me to get and I didn't want to happen. Not sure I am proud of that one, but if you read some of the information, there can be real complications due to auto-immune reactions from the operation. The complications are rare, but they still occur.

[Dr.mom]

Y.A.H. that really helps. Thank you for your reply.

I did my fair share of bitching during the pregnancy. Oops. I tried not to be too graphic, but I guess I was just trying to "share" the changes of pregnancy with my H. Then again, I never expected him to "take me", and was stunned that he'd even reject me performing oral sex on him. At least during that time, I figured I could make HIM happy, even though I couldn't see my feet, let alone try for an orgasm. . .

I do agree with the Madonna-Whore complex, and it's role here. My H is older (48) and has never been married (we've been married little over a year (yep, the pregnancy stunned us both). He's not been real successful in the dating world over 40. I think a lot of his, ummm, sexual and social interaction was "online" before we started dating seriously. Chat rooms and such . . .

SO . . . .he categorized women in "that world" and then there is me. He is an honorable man, where respect means a lot. And he treats me like a queen. Few men these days insist on opening the car door for their wives . .everytime. He never really liked it that I'm open and agressive sexually. I learned to tone it down a bit for him. Even though I never understood it. I mean, why can a guy be totally into watching women in videos perform certain acts and then freak out if A REAL girl next to them is interesed in the same . . .

SO yeah, I definitely went to "mommy -status" at the first sign of pregnancy. He was (and still is) sweet, protective, and caring. And all I want is him to rip my clothes off and talk dirty to me (((roll eyes))).

I get the usual complains of him being "too tired, too stressed, too ditracted" for sex, complaints of backaches, head aches, and all sorts of things.

The baby has been relatively easy. He never got up nights to take care of her and slept on another floor. She started sleeping thru the night at 8 weeks (yeah I know, I'm a lucky mom) and logs in 10-12 hours non-stop thru the night. She's a delightful child and rarely cries. I wonder if there is something wrong with her LOL.

I can see how the world of responsibility has come crashing down on him. I know he stresses about work, and being a provider. But I think a lot of it is self-induced. Our mortgage is paid off by me several years ago, I have a million dollar trust fund, and am a doctor, sooooooo I could just as easily go back to work, should he decide to be Mister Mom. SO I can't understand how there is pressure on him. We are luckier than most, no doubt, and most days I tend to dance around the house gleeful and happy.

SO what gives?

I do suspect something medical, however my background in the field tends to make me point in that direction for everything, physical vs. emotional.

Good luck getting him to the doctor . . .. How does one accomplish this?

[Young at Heart]

A couple of things.

For most guys, his job/work and his ability to earn money and take care of his family financially is critical to his self esteem. That is why in the current resession with so many breadwinners loosing jobs and loosing homes, many men have come down with depression. Others who have friends in such situations are just as frightened and use the phrase, "...there but for the grace of God go I." I was talking to a retired friend of mine who has a nice nest egg saved and a good pension and he was talking about some of his neighbors who were loosing their homes after having lost jobs. He doesn't have anything to worry about, but he was still worried.

So while you may have a trust fund, and a profession to fall back on, it probably doesn't really make a hill of beans difference to your H. He still probably feels responsible for you,especially if he is an "old school" kind of open the car door type of guy.

Yes, being a dad at 48 has lots of scary aspects to it. When your child is 16 and full of hormones and youthful energy he will be 64.

As someone who is 62, I am glad my youngest is now 28 and I had the energy to deal with his teenage years. Your husband has to look forward to his daughter starting dating when he is getting ready to retire.

You can use that logic to sit down with your husband (especially with your medical doctor background) and say to him something to the effect of. "Look, you are a father of a baby girl. I want our child to have a father as a role model when she grows up. I want to have you there when she starts dating. I want you to be there for her when she graduates from high school and college. That means I want you to be an extremely health 60 & 70 year old man. That means that I want you to get your ass into a doctor and get a complete physical and start taking better care of your health for our daughter, because you and she deserve you to be as healthy as you can......and besides I have sexual designs on your body for the rest of our life and I intend for it to be a long and joyous life together."

If that doesn't work, tell him that despite everything he needs to get more life insurance and to do that he needs a physical and he might as well get the medical information sooner rather than later, because he now has the responsibility of both a wife and a daughter.

You talked about his chat room dating and computer orientation. If so, I would expect that he has experienced on-line porn at one time or another. Finally, maybe you can use "porn" as your friend if he has a mandonna/whore thing going on. There is every kind of bizzare porn out there from BBW, lactating women, pregnant women, etc. If he has you on a pedestal, maybe the two of you can watch something together that will bring you down from the pedestal to "bed level." Since I don't know him, I have no idea if it would work, but based on your knowledge of him, you might think about it. If you find something that gets his imagination fired up, then you can always dress it up with some role playing and props you see in the videos so he can make that transition to you being a real sexual partner for him.

Another random thought is that maybe he is afraid of getting you pregnant again. You said that your pregnancy was a surprise. Having a good talk with him about the kind of birth control you intend for the two of you to use might make him feel better about having sex again.

And in closing get the WMD book, she is a therapist/author who has great insights.

[Dr.mom]

I think you hit it on the head . . . he stresses over being "The Provider", whether fictitious or real, this bothers him greatly as he is indeed and Old School guy. And this probably translates into the bedroom. He has said he's always been with girlfriends that were LD, and is not quite sure what to make of me.

I know I need to enbrace my femininity and softer side (this was a problem in my first marriage . . my ex left me because he said I didn't "need him"). I am a self-made professional woman and intimidate the hell out of just about everyone. Kinda been that way since I was sixteen. Brains, looks, confidence, etc. And self-admittedly, too independent.

Just last night, I couldn't sleep, H was already passed out by 8:30 PM, so I wandered out to the barn and tinkered around with the tractor. Changed the oil, flushed the radiator, replaced the fuel fliter and transmission fluid.

Yes. The fact that I do this scares off most men.

So I'm wondering how to act more "feminine" so his masculinity does not feel so threatened. I know men like to be the MAN in the household. I'm capable of doing everything myself, but have learned from the past that to make a guy feel good, I need to "ask" him to "help" me.

Problem is, when I do this, he fails to step up to the plate. He talks about how busy and stressed he is. So I feel bad piling "extra chores" on him to help out his ego. The dang tractor needed to be fixed. He had no interest or energy to fix it. So I did it. Not out of resentment, but because I CAN do it, and he can "rest".

Same goes with the finances. I can carry us as well. . . .

So how do I find balance? If I try to woo him as a male, tell him I need him, tell him his new family relies on him . . it stresses him out to be the provider. If I don't, if I tell him to "relax" as I've got everything covered, it's an insult to his masculinity.

Kind of a catch-22. I have absolutely no idea how to make him feel better . . .

[ssmguy]

Not all men are like your husband. But I'm not sure there is anything "wrong" with your husband. He's like a lot of guys I know. But again, like you, I'm not the "normal" guy either.

My wife's pregnancies did not diminish my sex drive, except around the last month or two when she was quite large and seemed physically uncomfortable. I was perhaps a bit too afraid of hurting something. But after the pregnancies I was ready to go again. But then I've always had a much higher sex drive than her. I've always wanted it about once a day, on average, my whole adult life, and I'm now in my late 50's.

And you want to jump his bones when all the chores are done?! If only my wife could be like you -- I'd be the happiest man on the planet!

Can men get post-partum despression? I don't know -- I never had it. I'm known as the guy who's almost always in a good mood. I thought my kids were the cutest things I ever laid my eyes on. Picked them up and played with them all the time. They gave me energy and enthusiasm. Never got tired of them.

And I got up several times a night to change the babies and deliver them to my wife for breastfeeding.

If my sexual functioning were to drop off, I wouldn't hesitate to see my doctor, who is, by the way, a younger female.

My wife is a superwoman professionally and at home, and also fit and attractive. She works out all the time, as do I. Doesn't intimidate me at all. In fact, it turns me on.

My wife would never have allowed me to behave as your husband did, especially with regard to not helping with the baby at night, etc.

He didn't help with the baby, you're a superwoman, you want to jump his bones, and you want to give him oral sex? Wow, you seem like a dream to me.

As for getting him to a doctor, tell him you'd like to go to a doctor or sex therapist with him to discuss the matter. And tell him you'll go alone if he doesn't come along. Some men change their minds when they realize they are going to be the subject of discussion and they won't be there to "defend themselves".

[Dr.mom]

He didn't help out with the newborn at night due to my choosing.
He did indeed try the first few weeks, but it left him so exhausted by the morning he could barely function at work. And there was little he could do, I just easily rolled over, breastfed, changed her and went back to sleep. No sense in both of us getting woke up every 2 hours. If the roles were reversed, I would have wanted it that way was well.

Compared to my work-life, staying at home with a baby was a snap. Given the choice of staying in my pj's at 2AM or doing surgery and dealing with crabby patients in the middle of the night after not sleeping for 3 days?? I'll take the baby. Parenthood's been an easy vacation for me . . .

Right now the problem we have is timing. He is pretty typical where testosterone peaks at 7 AM. Even before the baby, he basically told me ML in the evenings was pretty out. If he came home early in a good mood around 4PM we might get busy, but other than that, I can't remember the last time we had sex after dark in over a year or so . .

So now sex is limited to the weekends. If we get lucky. And that's maybe once a month. Mainly due to our daughter waking up to play around 6 AM. And I'm doing my darndest to get her to sleep longer, even waking up at 5 to feed her change her and try to get her back to sleep again by 7 AM so we can have some time alone after H wakes up. It rarely works.

H was sweet last night, after a few days of arguing, he told me he was going to forget the alarm clock this morning and go into work late (he runs the company, so he's earned it). I express my enthusiasm and tell him I'd love that! (thinking I'm gonna get lucky).

No dice. Baby woke up early this morning and could not go back to sleep. ARGH! We just got up and went about our normal day . .

I know I'm not supposed to put pressure on him, but if I were a dad, and sex was at least a little bit on my mind, I'd be looking for it any chance I can get. Baby went down for a nap at 9 AM! Woo hoo! Now's our chance!!!! Heck, put her in the playpen to entertain herself for 7 minutes and go in the other room for a quickie!!!

It never happens. IF that first-thing-after-you-wake-up-sex doesn't happen. . . . he gets up showers starts the day and never looks back.

This is driving me insane. I'm thrilled with how I survived the pregnancy, c-section included, and how energized I feel. I don't feel like the typical dragged-dowm mommy. And I have an uncooperative husband . . .

All my male friends want to SHOOT HIM!!!!

There are so many things at play here, I know this problem is very multi-factorial. Hormones, aging, the stress of changing his whole life, moving, having a family, adding an extra 45 minute commute . . .

There are probably elements of depression as well.

These things kinda reared their ugly head when we got married as well. Sex frequency declined very quickly after the first 9 months we were together. Arguments started then about my wanting more. And he expressed how it made him feel "inadequate".

I am also pretty sure he had an online pornography addiction in the past before me. It's something I can never get him to talk about. He gets very defensive about it. But I got enough info out of him in bits and pieces to know he spent a lot of time, alone, at night online in chat rooms and viewing videos after giving up on the dating scene.

At this time, I do not know how much it still affects him. He never views it at home anymore (At least I think not, after I busted him for doing it one weekend while I was out of town, and he had no interest in ML to me before I left for the trip or after).

Before we were married, his residence was next to his office. He used to go home for lunch and . . . well. . . .you know. This might have been a daily occurance.

While we were engaged, and things started to cool down, I snooped on his computer. While we were not having sex all week, he'd view online material, just a bit here and there a few times a week.

After a while I confronted him. And it was a mess.

I know he does it for "stress relief", and sometimes masturbation is easier for guys that dealing with a "real woman". I tried to tell him it was not the porn I was mad about, it was the fact that I was willing and able and he wasn't taking me up on the offer.

This went round and round for a while. It was like he got his "dream girl" for companionship (we are indeed best friends and activity partners, so much more a "Couple" than my first marriage) but prefered porn for his sexual release.

And yes, I've read every book in the library about porn addiction. SO I'm well-versed. He fits the role of "a habituater". He was dateless for SOOOO long that porn became a way of life. (He's a fabulous guy, but women have tended to overlook him his whole adult life as he's bald and only 5'6).

When we first got together, he even had a hard time having sex with a person. He was so habituated to his routine with porn that things wouldn't work, he couldn't finish in bed with me. I recognized this right off the bat . . .

We worked through it but I still feel that porn is his crutch. It's immediate, easy, and simple and accessible.

One time he came home and had difficulty in bed with me (and I knew he had been viewing porn that lunchbreak). So I confronted him about it and he said he "needed it to get revved up to come home to me". I didn't let him see it, but I just about broke down.

No guy has ever needed porn to be attracted to me . . .

So . . there is a problem there. But over the past year I can't get him to be transparent about it. He appears to be making strides to combat it. Sex has improved between us, but the frequency is about once a month. Then went to zero when I got pregnant, it was like he could find an excuse for everything not to do it. It was a 7 month dry-spell.

When we sold his house in town, I lost my advantage, I could no longer check up on his porn usage. But before then I saw that he had deleted the three saved video files he had. But he switched to viewing saved photos he had on his hard drive. It was odd. There was about 6 photos of women, looks like they were manufactured, not photos someone sent him or he took. Like one was of Angie Everhart, in a white nightgown, some advertisement, I guess.

SO it appeared he was switching from porn videos down to this. Photos that don't even constitute porn to me (women fully clothed, in jeans with a cut-off-t-shirt). So was this part of his recovery? Did he really have to look at this to get aroused to come home to me?

I've never deal with this before . . .

When asked he said "those pictures are just fantasy", and I said "but you have reality right here, looking you in the face".

So on our wedding night I got a white lace nightgown like the one in the Angie Everhart photo. He took one look at it (I thought it was quite pretty) and said "take that thing off, you look kinda ridiculous" (I'm more of a white hanes t-shirt kinda woman) and later said "just be YOU, don't try to be what you THINK I want you to be".

Well, that's all well and good, but I don't think you WANT me as I am!

SO long before the pregnancy this has been going on. When I'd bust him looking at porn at home he'd say weird things like "How do you know I was even DOING anything to those photos?"

Then I thought maybe he had a libido problem. Like he was worried he wasn't able to orgasm around me, so he was trying it out by himself? Does this make sense? I'm so damn confused . . .

I figured maybe he was struggling with me. No guys wants to deal with the fact he can't finish in bed, and an unsupportive woman could take that as an insult. I tried to be supportive, saying things like "Hey, it's hard for me to reach the big O sometimes as well, it's normal, and OK, so don't avoid me."

I have no idea what goes on at this point.

He'd better not be viewing porn at the office. He makes it a point to get there at 7 AM and his associates come in at 8.

I'm sure with the stress and frustrations at home, sex online in the mornings is probably his only escape . . .

I'm tired of snooping. I don't have the energy to truck into town to his office to check up on him . . . but don't know how else to confront him. Every conversation we've ever had about it he's gotten very defensive, probably lied some and then just shuts down.

There is just so much other stuff going on (hormones, health, stress, his inability to sleep at night etc etc) it's like peeling away the layers of an onion.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just gotta take this one step at a time . . .