Somewhere between filing and D

[MichelleLT]

Glad you are getting closer to a resolution on your motorcycle.

As for W, she obviously wants the D but not to cut emotional ties. I don't really understand that, my XH was like that at times, and pulled the "can't we be friends" as recently as a year ago. You have to decide what your boundary is. Mine was, you left me for OW, you wanted this D, if you go through with the D we're done. No we can't be friends. But everyone has to decide for themselves.

Friendship is the road to R even after D. But it's about what you believe. What your goals are. And what you can handle.

Why tell you? Because she wants this to be easy. She wanted to give you advance warning so you wouldn't be caught by surprise.

The WASs always want the D to be easy. Then they don't have to feel bad about their decision. Reality rarely cooperates though, whether in the form of the LBS or the court. Lol.

Why go through with it? Because it's her choice, her journey. She obviously believes D is the only way to truly claim her independence. Do we know that's a bunch of BS? Yes. But she has herself convinced D is the only way. It doesn't matter if it's true, she doesn't see the other options, so it's true to her.

[jon2911]

Good thoughts Michelle. I do have some decisions to make and some goals to set.

The papers came last night. Filed March 23rd. My name is mis-spelled wrong at the top. W had mentioned it took some time to have her L correct my name. So maybe corrected it wrong.

I'll get with her on it, but not today. Today I'm at the Mavs victory parade. Always wanted to see one of these!

[MichelleLT]

Have fun!!!!!

[jon2911]

No contact from W until Saturday. I had a great time with a friend on Friday night and Saturday morning. He helped me fix my truck, again, which was a huge relief. No word from insurance company on my motorcycle yet.

Saturday afternoon I went to a friend's wedding, then an opening celebration for a new train line that's running from Dallas to Denton.

Got a text from W:
"Hey"

I responded:
"Hi"

"Are you okay?"

Here we go. Such a loaded question, and feels condescending. Some thoughts ran through my head. "Yes W, I didn't drop dead when the papers came in the mail. I'm doing just fine actually"

I took a breath and decided to keep it nice.

"I am. Good time with Thom and now I'm riding the new train to Denton. Bands and food at every stop. Building our limo sites while I ride. You?"

"Sounds like your kind of day"

"I had a wedding up here anyway, it worked out. Limoptimized.com should be up now"

Later, I told her I had a "New Orleans style snowball". She asked "isn't that just a big snowcone?" I told her yes, which is hilarious. Good branding.

We texted for the next hour about our favorite places to eat, cool college hangouts that are moving to her town, sent a couple pics back and forth. I told her I was enjoying listening to the Rangers while I drove. She said "boring". I said I used to think baseball was boring, but find it relaxing now, must be getting old. She said "golf is next, lol".

No mention of the D papers. If she does bring it up I'll tell her I need to check on if they're legal with a mis-spelled name. Do you know Michelle?

Later that night I ended up at a sweet party with some friends. Probably the biggest coolest mansion I've ever been to. Texted W:

"Now at a great party at an anesthesiologist friend of Tina's. She's impressed with my Cupid Shuffle. I hit the margarita machine a few times first"

She responded a couple hours later "please don't be a drunk".

LOL. Not too happy that I have my own life, eh W? I don't want to be passive agressive, stick my head in the sand. But I'm not going to help the D process either. That's what FaithfulH recommended, worked for him. One day at a time.

[MichelleLT]

The misspelling is what is "commonly" called a scrivener's error. It doesn't affect the legal validity of the paperwork as long as it is still obvious the papers are meant for you (correct address, correct wife , etc.)

The Cupid Shuffle has made it to California too lol. It's too simple for my tastes though.

Good attitude. You definitely don't have to help the process along.

[jon2911]

Thanks Michelle!

Texted W on Sunday in response to the "drunken" comment "Haha, don't worry. I played church Sunday morning and then Austin for Father's Day, so couldn't party too hard. You have a good day?"

Got a response from W last night "Hey I am glad to report that I got a Palm Pixi for my bday! Woowoo"

Dangit. I knew the 21st was in my mind for some reason. Such craziness lately, and should I be doing anything for the bday of the person who just filed on me?

I decided to count the flowers I sent her earlier this month as bday and play it off. Responded "Awesome, happy birthday! How's the bonzai azalea doing?"

Also sent W a song yesterday that we're playing in church on Sunday. She loved it while we were dating, 8 years ago, and I hadn't heard it since then.

[MichelleLT]

You know, it's so weird the first time you forget your WAS's birthday. But in a good way.

It shows that you really are pulling the focus off them and giving them space. After all, she is pushing like she wants to go forward with the D again. So, with that should come reduced expectations.

Besides, the azalea definitely counts for something.

[jon2911]

Good thoughts Michelle.

Got an e-mail from W that she liked the song, then another one asking if I got the "paperwork". I was heading to lunch with a friend so ignored it. 2 hours later I get this:

"Jon,

Would you like to come for a visit sometime next week?"

What? It's almost schizo. Thinking a face to face meeting about the D stuff would be good, I responded:
"W,
That would be good. I got the papers and we need to talk about them."

Her:
"Okay, if you'd like to talk about it before then, that would probably be for the best. I don't want things to get heated between us, it's too painful."


Interesting. Understandable I think, she's been through so much pain, and is still having migraines daily. This really makes it sound like she misses me and wants to see me. I'm going down tomorrow. Haven't had a really good visit since September. Can't believe that's almost a year ago. Keeping my expectations low and seeing what happens.

[MichelleLT]

Wow. LOL

Are you sure she doesn't have an extra personality somewhere? LOL

Seriously though, the WASs always want the D to go smoothly. Some of this may be her way of just trying to make it easy, even though she still intends to go through with the D. Some of it may be uncertainty. It's impossible to know for sure. Speculation is just a waste of time.

Can't wait to read your update!

[jon2911]

I drove in on Tuesday before the 4th. I had mentioned to W that I wanted to buy some jeans. We went out to Fuzzy's Tacos, a very hip college place that's unusual in her town. She loved the margaritas. She had coupons for Old Navy and JC Penney, and we really put them to good use. I fit in much smaller clothes than before, which was exhilarating. We also hit a Bed Bath and Beyond sale and had a great time. W has become quite the coupon user, which is a big change. It's one of the few things she can control right now, and she's doing a great job.

She had a birthday burger coupon at Fuddruckers, and while we were there she said "I think you can stay with me tonight, because things are nice now, but let's see about tomorrow". Then she let me sleep in her bed. No ML, which probably wouldn't have been a good idea anyway, but it was very nice.

The next day I got breakfast from a donut place she loves and worked from GFIL's office all day while she washed my new clothes and did her laundry. She mentioned not doing laundry in several weeks, and being worried about getting pulled over because of some unpaid tickets. Things haven't been going well for her, but she really seemed to enjoy having me there, and was surprised how well we got along.

That night she wanted to talk business, and I told her we need to get the taxes figured out before things can proceed, because that will be the biggest part of the D. She said she wanted to know I'm not just "sticking my head in the sand" about it. I told her no. She mentioned that she spent a lot of money to file. It was a tough conversation, and I went to sit on the back patio and pray afterwards. She let her black lab Coco come with me. It's hard that she still wants this, and is ignoring the friendship and love we have. I wondered why I was even there, but kept acting as if.

I stayed that night, and the next day found her crying in the living room. She was the 1-year anniversary of her grandma's death. She said GMIL was her favorite out of everyone. She mentioned going to the cemetery, and I said I'd like to go. She quickly said "I need to go alone". I didn't push it, and later she asked if I would drive her to a vet's appointment and then the graveside. I even used some coupons shopping while she was at the vet. Her aunt, GFIL, GMIL, and MIL all share a small mausoleum. I watched from afar back in December but hadn't been there yet. I helped her place flowers around it and then gave her some time alone.

We drove around town a little after that, and she pointed out memories from her mom and grandma. It's really taken me typing this to process it all. I didn't know how to help her and be there for her when MIL died 4 months into our marriage. This time I did, and it really felt like an amends, to all of them. I'm so thankful.

We had a nice dinner, watched a movie, then made some good headway on the taxes. That night she had tough night, with some nightmares. At one point she woke up crying and said "they're gone now, in the grave". It was so sad. I can't help her work through this, but I can be there for her.

I made a call to my Grandpa last week. He told me how proud of me he is for sticking this out, that it seems obvious that Someone has it all under control. My dad told me the same thing. I stayed several days after the 4th and he helped me fix one more thing on my truck, but I'm getting much better at that now.

I also really love having a roommate. It's hard to describe what it's like to have someone at home when I get there, after all these years. This was a good move, for me, whatever W decides.

It's been uncomfortable and tough to sort through so much stuff and clean the place for him. I had really let the stuff pile up, boxes of papers, etc. Spent lots of time on that this weekend. I have work to do, and even writing all this has been very emotional, but I will keep on.