Although H and ow have split it appears H is 'stuck'. It's definitely a case of 2 steps forward and one back and at some stages it's like 1 step forward and 1 back. I am tired of it all and for the most part I am warm and caring but there are times when I really can't be bothered with him at all.
Thanks Cadet. I agree, the crisis is not over and he doesn't have the courage to let go of her completely. She is his crutch and he is still scared and confused about what he wants. He doesn't have to face those enormous feelings of guilt when he hides away.
Cat, I know I did constantly look for signs before but in more recent times I have developed the habit of observing. Before he finished with ow there were more signs that he was stepping towards me than there are now. I can see that he is tired, flat and struggling.
It's my therapist who used the term 'stuck' and I agree. It's as if he's stuck in quicksand and unable to dig himself out atm.
Dolphin, here is some stuff I haven't posted or told anyone before - late December 2009/January 2010 my xh [we were in the divorce process then] told me that the r with OW had been 'unwinding' since late 2008 [his word unwinding and I think it is interesting]. He tried to reconcile with me a couple of times during the six month period Jan - June 2010, but it was clear that he was suffering grief and loss in that time [teeth grindingly irritating but a reality for them]. And when he isn't being nice my xh, as you know from my posts, is very very mean and hostile.
He then resumed divorce proceedings and I totally dropped the rope, and we divorced. `Recently he has been very cautiously reaching out to me. I do not know whether it is genuine or whether I want any kind of relationship with him beyond civility, but the point is this all takes a very very long time. When they leave us they are damaged. The r with the ow is not a healing experience for them. It helps them [as far as I can see] to live out some things they need to live out, but it isn't actually good for them. So as it ends they still have a lot of work to do. I am still pretty sure my xh still has some sort of r with the OW, but it isn't as far as I know, going anywhere, and he knows it.
I really admire, and if I am frank, slightly envy those who are able to move on to another relationship and thus effectively close the door. I do not want another relationship, and like being on my own. But like so many of us here, I was married and happy for a long time. It wasn't an abusive r prior to MLC and I recognise that my xh has been genuinely mentally ill.
How far we should take responsibility for our mental heallth is a very complex question, and while I see there were choices, there was a lot of driven behaviour too.
When we are at the stage at which they genuinely might be coming out of MLC it is hard for us. There are still no guarantees and our patience is pretty thin. We see we deserve better, we see others on the boards who are with someone who treats them well. We read the posts of those who have reconciled and we see that it isn't easy, and sometimes they run again. And we read urgings of some posters who tell us we have stuck around long enough, go live our lives.
Dolphin, it isn't easy for you. My xh and I have never got as far as you before he has run again, but I have some idea of how hard it might be.
My h is definitely stuck, and there may well be a limit to what sort of relationship we can rebuild, if any. I think if you go back to thinking of this as rebuilding a friendship with someone you once loved, and who has had huge issues in his life recently, rather than anything else, it might help you re detach without being hurt. Aim for friendship. As Snodderley posted recently to me [What would we do without her] Friendship to a MLCer even one coming out of it, means something quite different. They take from us and are not able or willing to give much back.
Between a strictly transactional relationship and a co-dependent one there are many many shades of gray . . . . and friendship is a good option
Ex has cycled back several times since he left but most recently when OW and he had a major blow up in August last summer. She distanced from him and then he started cycling toward me and the kids. We were all like WTH? It lasted for approximately three months, he was kind to us, came around frequently including for my bday, called often, took me out to lunch a few times and became more active in the kids lives. He was pulled back in by Thanksgiving with the deal between them sealed again by Christmas. He had even agreed to go to counseling but as the date approached he became skittish.
What I am trying to tell you is that as long as they have contact with each other , you are on a slippery slope. It is a long journey and the second that something goes wrong in what they think is the best thing since sliced bread ... they will cycle back to you and then her.
Keep your boundaries in place and keep doing your thing. Trust when I tell you OW keeps him on a short leash. My ex's is far more demanding and firm than I ever was.
We have no idea if they will ever come back to us. They are different people once they are gone for a while.
Take care of you, keep your boundaries in place , always look FABULOUS and happy when you see him and keep on keeping on.
Everhopeful - I am very used to this cycling - been at it a long time. We never see each other. I haven't laid eyes on him in over a year [except in court]. I too have have experienced the 'major breakup' in my case, back in late 2006, which like yours, lasted about 3 months. And you are right, they get sucked back in, until they start to wake up.
The r with OW is now very slight for a variety of reasons. I do know this for a fact. In my case I am very far from sure if I even want a friendship. A lot of damage which I do not think my xh will ever deal with. But it is better that we can exchange an occasional email and be polite to each other. A huge advance in my case!!
I know that a lot of MLC behaviour comes from their huge sense of inadequacy. Coming home is very hard for them until they have worked through their issues, and as I have said, little expectation that my xh will ever be in a place to address his issues. He has been reaching out to his children recently, and saw his eldest son after 4 years, but my son reported that he still doesn't really get it. They are damaged goods.
Beatrice and Ever, thanks for sharing your insights. I am always so pleased to read the perspective of others and to let these ideas float around in my mind for a while as I make sense of 'where to next.'
Things can and do change along the way but I am so mindful of stories like Ever has presented of H's who reconnect but the connection is only temporary.
In my case H has been spending more time with me and is showing more thoughtful gestures and tiny signs that he wants this to work. I am, however, cautious and even sceptical. I am guarding and protecting myself.
Last week, (after months of baby steps) there were so many positive gestures including texts, dinner together at his place, my place and at a restaurant, buying a joint gift for a family member and H's gesture to divert a potential argument, that I couldn't help feel we'd turned a corner. Then H left to visit family. I saw him the morning of his departure but there was no other contact for the rest of the day. In my head I automatically said, "Well I knew that was too good to be true." Then yesterday H called at lunchtime but I was not available. I wondered what that was about.....H usually texts, doesn't phone. Did he need to tell me something? He called again later that night. It was to have a chat and share what we had been doing..... Maybe H is coming unstuck????
