One foot out the door, the other on a rug....

[luvmyhubby]

Late again.. Its a good thing my boss is okay with me being late since he knows what is going on. My H was almost an hour late today and was asleep when I called him to see where he was. He kept apologizing to me and then said he wasnt even out late. Then he told me where he had been and who he had been with (some mutual friends who are good influences).

I never asked for the details or data but he offered it up. He seemed to be in a good mood except for being late. I didnt complain or gripe I just told him that it was okay and to be careful driving over and not to rush.
When I left I gave a blanket statement to him and the kids to have a great day. He replied with a oh you have a great day too..
Some of my goals are being accomplished so I am happy and I am also GAL! I have plans popping up everywhere with lots of friends and I have a ton of moral support coming my way..

It will all come out in the wash ! Just hoping I have the right stainfighter!



______________________________________
H:31
W: 34
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-8
Seperated living apart

[luvmyhubby]

Sometimes it takes one step back to be able to take two steps forward. Hopefully that's the case here!

Thanks for that! Im praying that he will see what he actually has and how hard I am fighting but it is all in his hands now. How is your quest coming along? Any news this month since the statement?

[luvmyhubby]

So some small changes are happening.. I worked from home today and he stayed to work on some proposals and kept the kids. He took several breaks and hung out and was very tired. I did fix him breakfast but I guess that I should not have. I asked if he wanted any and he was like whatever you have is fine.

He discussed a few things with me and chatted about the kids. When he left with the kids around noon he called me babe and took the garbage with out me asking. So my little goals are paying off I think but whether they will lead to my larger goal who knows...

______________________________________
H:31
W: 34
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-8
Seperated living apart

[luvmyhubby]

The anger rises.. I had a good weekend got out and hit on even asked to go home with someone. None of which really made me feel good just missed my H more. He chose to tell the children on his own where he was staying etc. This made me angry that he did this without my input and it set in motion a whole string of events.
Every step he takes away i seem to react a bit more. I called him and argued with him and got angry with him. When he came to pickup the kids this morning I took him aside and gave it to him. I basically told him that he was being a selfish, immature axx. Then went on to relay all of the other angry thoughts that I had been bottling up in my head for a while.

I told him that I was going to be added to the bank account so I could see EVERY cent that was being spent for his company. I also informed him that if he chose to get a divorce that I wouldnt just accept what he was giving that I would go after his company too since I funded it. However I didnt want any of that I wanted him to want to come home and be a father and husband.

He eventually told me he expected me to get angry etc and that it was okay. This comment really made me wonder if he was talking to someone and having an EA. I did ask directly if he was talking to anyone about our marriage woman or man and he said no. Ive been really good about keeping my cool but man i fell today..
Im still angry about the whole thing and hurt.. I did apologize to him for losing it and he said oh that is okay dont be sorry. Made me even angrier..

I guess it is time to schedule my next DB appt...

[luvmyhubby]

This roller coaster ride is crazy! After yesterday morning I had a bad day and just put guilt on my shoulders for blowing up. Last night my H took my son to an appointment and came back to the house and stayed a bit. I really tried to ignore him and go on with my evening which wasnt too hard. I did ask him if he wanted any dinner which i had already made on the stove. He said no.. Is this bad to do?

He was on the couch and I was eating my late dinner since I had worked out. I asked him how his day was just to be nice and he said not good. I inquired a bit and he replied that he didnt go into work at all. When I asked if he was okay and why he said that he was just thinking about everything and seemed a bit upset. I guess my outburst in the morning really had an affect on him.
After that I shut the conversation off and focused on getting the kids to bed and then he eventually left. I did tell him I wouldnt be waking him up by phone anymore that he was a grown man and needed to pick the kids up on time. He agreed and got there on time today which was really odd..

This morning he sat down and complained he was dizzy which happened a month or so ago when we went to the C. I think that it is stress and his blood pressure but I cant be for sure. I offered a few suggestions but wasnt sure how to approach this.. Do I actually help him and stay concerned or just let him be sick on his own? If he is dizzy and cannot drive this does affect the kids and their safety etc..

Then he calls and tells me my D is sick and has a fever. Since he doesnt feel well he will get her and watch her till I can come take her to the dr. So it seems like he and I end up in the house together for longer periods of time on accident..

Today I am strong and it is a new day.. Im prepared to run the marathon and will not spend my energy on the sprint!

Prayer is helping a lot and makes me feel better.. Working out REALLY helps get rid of my anger..

It has been about 7 weeks since this whole thing started I think.. One grain of sand at time..

[luvmyhubby]

So yesterday when I arrived at our home to get our D5 to take her to the doctor. He was asleep in our bed in his underwear and she was watching cartoons. I did a few things around the house started a load of clothes said hello to him and asked how he was. He said he was still feeling bad and then he rolled over and went back to sleep.
I went into the other room and began to work from home. It took less than ten minutes for him to get up and get dressed then come into the other room.
He said he was going home asked when our D5 doctor's appt was and I told him. He said bye againa nd I didnt even lookup from my laptop i just said bye real quick and he left. Later our S8 called him to see if he would come over and play with him and then my S handed me the phone when he was done.
I just hung up and didnt even put it to my ear because usually he just hangs up.
He called right back to say he still wasnt feeling well and couldnt come over.
I started to later think well what if he is really sick and is having a stroke or something crazy. So I call him and say Im not your mother or your nurse but im worried that you are having blood pressure issues. Would you like me to come take you to the after hours clinic? He said no he took something and it was helping.. After that I hung up said to have a good night..

This morning when he came to get the kids he came in the bedroom and acted like he was intruding on me. Then when I said bye to have a good day he could barely get you too out of his mouth..

Just makes me mad and hurt at the same time.. I need to work out today really hard to remove this stress!

[luvmyhubby]

So this morning I am better.. He wasnt there exactly on time this morning so i sent a TXT to check if he was on his way. He called back saying he was close and he arrived in about 10 mins. Then he went into our bathroom to get somethings and I got my stuff together. Then I went to the door and said I had to go he quickly replied Have a great day.. Which is ODD.. The day before he could barely get a response to that comment from me out of his mouth..

Then today he tells me that??? Maybe because last night his D5 was missing him and called him several times to ask him to come home. I never talked directly to him only the kids.

I wonder if he thinks that I am getting my kids to say or do things? He hasnt said this to me and of course I am not.. I would never do that I think it is unfair to the kids..
I wonder why he is nice one minute and cannot face me the next? I did text him yesterday like an idiot and ask him if he was still angry with me.. Of course he said nothing had changed and yes he was still angry.. I didnt respond.. Kinda a low point for me! I think this week we took steps backwards..

I needed to getup at 3am to work out but when the alarm went off i wokeup and my body said no way.. So Ill make sure to do that when I get home.. I need to relieve some stress.. Ive lost so much weight I actually had to buy a new swimsuit even the one from my honeymoon(yes i still have it) was too big..

Im going out of town this weekend on a trip we planned together even though he doesnt want to go. Im going to tube the river with a few friends and relax and have no kids to fuss over!

So for the moment my detachment seems to be going further. Im praying daily to keep myself strong and to resist using my mouth to further harm the situation! That also is a HUGE struggle!

[luvmyhubby]

So this weekend was interesting.. On Thursday night i came home and he was there with the kids. I noticed email up and glanced at the computer and my H closed it quickly. He finally left and after my workout i checked the pc just to see what was so important. I noticed he had left up his orbitz account and he had booked rooms in another city for him and his new guy friend.
He was supposed to take care of the dogs for me this weekend and when i got home he hadnt. I didnt mention it at all. Ill just make other arrangements next time.. He also had all of his business stuff sent to his new address even though everything is at our house. This upset me a bit but I got over it after asking him to please inform me of large changes like that.

When I got home his truck had broken down when he went to get the kids from his mom. I had to drive into get them and I was chipper and happy to do so. Our D5 was having earaches and when i arrived I asked if he thought she needed to go to the Dr? He snapped and said he hadnt had a chance to look at her.

Then he asked me to help him for a minute with his truck but it didnt fix anything. He was angry and when I asked what he would like to do about tomorrow (he normally gets the kids in the am) he snapped my head off. He said he would let me know once he knew something. I just smiled and told him thanks for the information and good luck with his truck.

I didnt bother him again i worked out how I would handle the kids the next morning. He did text me about 5am and said he couldnt get them it was still not working and I just thanked him for letting me know.

So it seems he was mad before I got there at his truck of course. Im sure he blamed that on me just like the rest of his rotten life.... His truck has been messing up for a while and the last time he had a huge problem with it.. I found the resolution on the internet to his problem and our mechanic implemented it and it worked. This time im standing back and letting him feel it..

I caught him staring at me while loading the kids in my truck. I have lost a lot of weight and it is pretty obvious but I just ignored him. Im starting a stong workout program with a coach in hopes to get in the best shape of my life. The stress from all of this caused me to drop about 30lbs so far now i just need to tone and lose some more.

So something else to focus on and make me feel better and look even better!

[luvmyhubby]

Well today was it.. He came in this morning and told me he was going to see a lawyer. I lost it!
he was supposed to be thinking about things.. He said that he hit on other women this weekend and I didnt deserve that.

He is trying to just give me the house and take his company so that I would be left with the burdeon. He wants to walk away.. he said that when he comes to the house and sees me his stomach hurts for all of the bad feelings I cause in him.

How can he forget all that I have done for him? I sacrificed so much for his company and his wants and needs and he doesnt see a dang thing!

I begged for counseling AGAIN for a while and told him that he was really really hurting the kids. of course no good..
It seems i have no backbone when i get hit with things..

I just cannot hold on anymore.. it seems when I think i do good by letting go it isnt as much as i thought.
it hurts worse.. How can I let him make me feel so worthless and like such a failure?

He wants us to agree on everything so we dont have to pay lawyers, which is smart.. however i keep getting pushed to take half of his company too..

My fight is all gone it seems..I just friggin give up.. God has to have some plan that I am better off.. I just wish my faith was stronger today..

[4betterorworse]

Gosh your H and my H might be the same person.. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I usually post on the Newcomers board, but I think this board fits me better, so I might move over here.. Plus nobody responds to my posts over there - probably b/c (sadly) there are so many threads. I've done a lot of backsliding too - I try not to beat myself up too much about it. We've been separated now for over 8 months and he still 'doesn't know'. He just told me last week that he was house hunting (as he's been staying at his moms). Anyways, honestly, your situation sounds so familiar - and that just makes me feel sad, as I don't wish this on anyone. I don't have much advice, as clearly I am not doing anything right.. Kudos to you for doing such a great job at getting a life - and losing all that weight - thats SO impressive. I really hope you are proud of YOU. I'm sure you look fantastic. I'm going to keep reading your posts, and you've inspired me to do more for myself. And I have good and bad days too - like a friggin yo-yo. Even during a single day, I can go from high to low to high to low 20 times... Its so crazy. So I know where you're coming from.. Keep journalling...