I just went back and reread your threads. I wanted to see exactly where you have been, where you are, and what others have said to you...
In your other thread you stated that YOU are embarrassed that all of this has come out...
You mentioned that he has regret and guilt and didn't want to face himself but no where did you report that he said HE was actually ashamed...
Regardless, when we feel a certain way about a situation, it is easy for us to look at someone else's behavior and attribute our feelings to them...that is projection...
You are all over the place...
Are you going to Alanon CONSISTENTLY, or not?
In one post you say you are going, in the next, you say you may, and in another, you say it is too hard because of little kids (who aren't too little for you to go to a meeting that is going to help YOU and inadvertantly them).
You need to stop obsessing about what your H is doing or not doing, about how long this is or isn't going to last, or any of the other stuff you keep going back to.
You need to take some responsibility for your actions, your thoughts and your feelings...
25 is correct. At this rate, you will NOT reconcile your M.
Reread the posts. Reread DB and DR, read Co-dependant No More.
And then read them again. Iternalize them.
What is in those books, what Alanon offers, what is in what people have posted to you, you will find what you need to get through this.
Only you can pull yourself out of this rut that YOU are digging for yourself. You may have landed there primarily because of your H's choices...you REMAIN in this pit, because of YOUR choices...
Choose differently...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
No, I am not going to Al anon consistently. I do attend another addiction class for the family and friends of addicts.
I am embarrased. I believe I have reason to be. I am going to let myself feel this emotion but I have moved past that feeling.
I don't believe he has ever said he is ashamed. I believe I used that because 25 said he is ashamed. Thats is why he doesn't come around. Which I am guessing he is and she is right. Maybe I am wrong or misunderstood. I have questioned why he wouldn't want to at least see his kids.
I am all over the place. Many times I did say I was venting. But, am I not allowed to have these feelings for a time? I am not being snotty either. Since the start of all this chaos, my C was always telling me there will be a time to tell him how you feel just not now. Well its been 9 months and at some point it have to release it don't I? He has heard a little from me but I have refrained because yes I do realize it is NOT going to get me further to my goal and he isn't responsible for how I feel.
I do appreciate any feedback here. I do read and re read the posts. It has calmed me down many times.
To be honest, I just have wanted some reassurance. Which I have received. That I will be okay. Me and my kids will be okay.
I have spent time trying to understand this. Too much now I see. But, isn't some of that trying to see my part in all of this. Just wanting somewhere to bounce ideas off of.
Today is day 6 of NC. I am taking 25's advice and not pursuing.
My GAl is golf and exercising right now. WHich I am doing consistenly.
I believe the first week or so after finding out about OW I was numb. Now I feel anger and am working through that.
I am glad that you are attending some sort of support group for families of people with addictions. Hopefully you will gain some understanding of the situation.
It is important to understand whatever monster it is you are dealing with, addiction, MLC, both...
The problem that occurs sometimes with that, is we WANT to understand everything all at once and that doesn't always happen. We can also hinder our understanding, by constantly finding new question to ask...and this will hinder our healing...
I have found through my process, that the answers I need, come when I am ready to really understand them. At first, I just understood that my H was nuts...I took a small step forward...then I came to understand a little bit about MLC...I took another small step...then I understood that this was his journey...I went backwards, trying to look for the signs that he was moving through this...then I realized that it would happen on his time and I could stay put, or I could do somthing to improve my life...took another step forward...and so on...
It is a process. Within that process, the what I did consistently was apply DB principals for me. It was hard. There were days I wanted to bash his head in. I didn't. There were days I wanted to scream about the unfairness and shake him until he woke up. I didn't. I removed his number from my cell phone so I would have to dial it. So I would have to THINK about it before I called him to say whatever it was that I couldn't wait to say. It kept me from calling until I got to the point that I didn't want to.
It has been 4 years since the bomb. He is still on his journey. I realize that 9 months seems like an eternity, but it really isn't. This is something that takes however long it takes. You can't make it go any faster, but you can make it last longer. By not DBing, by not healing, by doing the things you know you shouldn't but you just couldn't stop yourself.
There are no guarantees. There are things you will probably never understand (like why he doesn't see the kids) and those things, are the things you have to learn how to accept and move past.
As far as being embarrassed.
Yes you have a right to feel embarrassed. But what exactly are you embarrassed about?
His actions? His choices?
Those are things you can do nothing about. And unless you held a gun to his head and forced him to do those things...
You are NOT responsible for them...
If it is your reactions to his actions...
Well, you did what you did, you know better now...
25 has talked to you about removing your ego...
She is spot on with it...
Take yourself out of the equation...
Look at this as if you are an outsider in someone else's life looking at it...
That will make it easier to gain understanding and clarity...
Then you look at the emotions you feel as you have clearer, rational thought pattern about the situation and see which of your feelings are worth hanging onto and which ones you can let go of...
Venting is absolutly ok. However it should diminish over time.
It would be wonderful to read a post that you were not talking about your H, OW, what he is doing or not doing, how badly it is affecting the kids....
It would be wonderful to read something along the lines of, "I went to the salon today and I LOVE my new doo and that makes me feel GREAT"
You aren't going to feel wonderful overnight, but small step daily toward that, add up over the long run...
You say you have done 180's and GAL...
What are those things?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you Cat. My 180s are the NC. I have always pursued. Also, the no anger. The no quick mindless reactions. H has already commented on that wondering what is wrong with me. Why haven't I reacted.
I am embarrased for the way everything unraveled. How this was going on and I didn't know. (op) How I found out. How he just seems to flaunt it. Really embarraded about what kind of man he has become or just is.
I am embarrased for the way everything unraveled. How this was going on and I didn't know. (op) How I found out. How he just seems to flaunt it. Really embarraded about what kind of man he has become or just is. I don't understand why he didn't D me first.
most don't divorce first,
They are like monkeys, needing to catch another vine before they let go of the one they are holding. That's why most men who file for div have OW.
And, it is what it is. You have to accept reality b/c it is reality. So, let's focus on YOU and YOUR FUTURE and YOUR KIDS
from this day forward...it's all you can do. Accept that, please.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Something that you have always wanted to do that you didn't, either because you thought he wouldn't like it, or you couldn't because of the kids?
Something FUN...
Something that might seem out of character for you...but is a secret desire...
Me? I always portrayed myself, and thought of myself, as conservative, in dress, in demeanor, because it was what I thought my H wanted and because I thought it set a good example for my S.
Truth, inside, I am only slightly conservative. And mostly in thought...
Things that I always wanted but didn't think others would approve of (especially H and my mother) were a tattoo and a body piercing...
I gave myself every excuse in the book not to do either...money, afraid of needles, couldn't find a tattoo I liked...
All of those were valid reasons to a small degree, but they were really excuses for me not letting my true self emerge...
Because I was afraid people wouldn't like the me that was inside...
It took me some time in this process, but I finally got the tattoo...
When I decided to do it, it was a matter of a day to pick it out and go get it done (after thinking about it for 20 years), and actually I got two.
A few months later, I got my belly button pierced...(sorry Eric, if you are reading, that I have tarnished that maternal image you had of me LOL)
Nope, not having my own MLC...
Each of these things and others as well, have given me the strength and desire to allow myself the freedom to show me to the world...
You may not want something so permanent, but I would be willing to bet there is something, that is on your bucket list, that could really boost your PMA...
What might that be?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
though I'm not into the tattoos...h and I worked in a hospital with a burn unit and freak out
about intentional "injuries" to skin. But hey, I might change my mind.
L2,
I went skydiving for my last birthday. Then I did it again. I frickin' LOVED IT. and
for the first time ever, my h joined me in a daredevil feat!!
And so did my d22, and the 2nd time s25 joined me.
You don't have to do something as permanent as Cat's acts OR as wacky as mine...but you must have something...
also I do stand up comedy which is scarier than skydiving, (literally.)
And performing in theater is very fun and preoccupying. You cannot obsess when you are on stage (or jumping from a plane OR getting tattooed)
...see our point?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
sorry Eric, if you are reading, that I have tarnished that maternal image you had of me LOL
FTR...I will NEVER BE the same again having read this. JK...LOL
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
