I guess its MLC-new need advice 6 months in

[FaithnAK]

Beatrice

My greatest regret, which I have repeatedly shared with life,

is that I wasted so much time trying to understand what was NOT understandable...I had been married for almost 25 years when h left
so I know what a gaping wound it makes. I felt I was missing an organ that was vital to living.

But after almost a year of this, I could endure no more

and I would do anything (other than suicide) to stop the pain....even change ME!

Focusing on external reasons for the pain I was in, under the guise of "trying to understand" and "getting closure" was NOT helpful.

Getting closure by asking WASs questions is an illusory endeavor we spin our wheels in.

Even if they answer, their answers cannot be trusted.

AMEN ^^^^^

It is a complete waste of time to ever expect them to give you the answers you need. You should be focused on your own puzzle of life. You are the one that has to live with you the rest of your life. This sounds worse than the way I mean it...but F**K them. YOU can only control you.

Your closure at this point comes from within. You just have to accept that you may NEVER get the answers you seek.(I still have unanswered questions, but I really don't care anymore) However, you can come to an educated guess/opinion as to why; and accept the fact that your happiness and future does NOT revolve around them.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

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[lifejustgothard2]

Wow. Thank you everyone. I was struck with the thought how I once told my H "from this day forward" Well if I can't do it myself how can I really expect him!

So, from this day forward....

[beatrice]

Great post, but are you addressing my sitch, because you are giving advice to another, I think. I am a bit puzzled.

You say 'Give real life a chance' I really believe I am doing that.


I must have misunderstood what was meant by questions- I have never asked my h questions. The things I questioned are what happened to my h , objectively. If you see what I mean.

I am nearly 6 years post bomb. My h ran so I never had an opportunity to DB. I am divorced and I have not seen him except in court for over a year, or spoken to him.

I worked on me, and I am happy. For me understanding tMLC process helped, much more than thinking it came from nowhere, that it just happened. That would have meant either that it was the marriage, when I knew in my gut it wasn't. Or that we live in a random and cruel universe, which I don't believe we do.

I have not obsessed about my h, except for a little at the beginning. I like and love who he was, and naturally miss that person but I know he is gone, as surely as if i was a widow. My grieving was for loss, and we all need to do that for our own psychological health.

And because GAL worked for you, you believe it attracted your h back. I do not doubt it did But I do take issue with any suggestion that will necessarily work for others. I know many women and men who have GAL and their spouses remain firmly gone. I think this is to do with the length and severity of the MLC not anything we do. Dealing with a long and protracted MLC is very different from a short sharp one. They still hang around on the edges of our lives. In that it is not like death, or a 'simple' walkaway.

I have closure because I have a life, because I understood the process, because although I changed myself his leaving wasn't ultimately about me, but about him and his issues.

He now deeply regrets what he has done, that I know. Your h had enough sense to look at the changes in you and come home. Many don't

25 that is not inevitable they will come home if we do the 'right' things. GAL helps, but we do it for us.

XH is now reconnecting slowly with his children and sending me occasional emails to which I respond nicely.

My MLC experience was very very different from yours, and my marriage even longer!

Sometimes they do not come home and it isn't necessarily our fault. There are no 'sure fire' answers, just handling life with compassion grace dignity and humour, if we can manage it!

[PEI]

Spoke with H. Convo about bills. I asked what the plan was. I have kids at home crying wondering when they were going to see him, etc. I suppose not a good excuse but I did it.

And how's that workin' for ya?

He said if he knew what he wanted he would have done that by now.

Believe him. Act as if this is true.

After talking for awhile-he says he thinks its best if we are done. I said so there is nothing more to say? He said you seem to think so. I said no I am asking you. He said yes lets get together today or tomorrow. H will call me.

Are you trying to talk him in or out of this M? Seriously. Stop talking. Start listening.

He brought up he can't be forgiven for OW. And, I am too good for him. The kids will be fine.

Typical rationalization and self loathing.

I know I told my stbxH over and over again that I could forgive him. I said it very quickly because I wanted to make it work at any cost. Is it really true life? Are you there yet? Or do you still feel desperate, like it's your job to do or say whatever you can that brings your marriage back together? There's the thing ... if it's not genuine, if it's not real ... change, forgiveness, peace ... it won't stick.

And all he ever wanted was to be loved for who he was. Just the way he was.

These are his valid feelings right now, perhaps for a long time. vvv

Yes, I admit I tried to "fix" but really help him.

Even if he wasn't an alcoholic it wasn't your job to "fix" ... errrr ... I mean help him.

life, you are getting some great advice here. And you keep shooting yourself in the foot. I have no idea if your marriage will reconcile or not, but I can tell you this is the best shot you have. Thing is, you have to let go ... not NEED it.

It's scary. The thought of letting go of someone, something, we have defined ourselves by for so long. I thought he wouldn't know I loved him anymore. I thought it would be his permission to continue moving away from me. I thought if I could just get through to him ...

life ... he never needed my permission to walk away. And I don't need his approval to love him either.

As far as answers go ... helping understand MLC (as much as anyone can) helped me find peace. Some days I still struggle, but they are few and far between. Compassion, more often than not, is what I feel when I think about what happened. Not anger, not jealousy, not resentment. I don't need answers anymore ... they aren't mine to find and they won't change anything. There is no explanation that is going to make any of this "better". It got "better" because I chose to change my focus.

Those answers, are his. I hope he does it for himself. I hope they all do, but I have no expecation, therefore no disappointment. Their path, their journey ...

Now let's get back to business ...

What are your plans for the long weekend?

Peace
PEI

[lifejustgothard2]

marathon and relaxing is ahead for this weekend with the kids!

I never thought of myself as trying to "fix" but really trying to help. There was something that didn't seem right about him but I couldn't put my finger on it. I would express concern and now this I get thrown in my face.

Now, I am dealing with others- friends and family- who have their own theories as to what is happening. Some of which hurts to hear. THings I never even thought of which now adds to my own thoughts -how I failed-and really makes things seem to be impossible. The thought of R anyway.

Also, hurts because now our M is put under such scrutiny by everyone!! Embarressing for me.

What do I say to these people who think they are helping?

Also, why is it the MLC'ers rewrite history? Or, is that really how they feel/felt all this time?

[25yearsmlc]

Great post, but are you addressing my sitch, because you are giving advice to another, I think. I am a bit puzzled.

I was addressing both of you but in separate parts. Sorry if that wasn't clear.


I must have misunderstood what was meant by questions- I have never asked my h questions. The things I questioned are what happened to my h , objectively. If you see what I mean.

I am saying that those who ask rhetorical or unanswerable questions, such as "why did this happen?" are usually wasting their time for 2 reasons. First, it's rare that the answers will come OR help them in any way and 2) it takes energy and focus off of their own lives and work.

If you have done the work on you, so be it. I mean, that's good. I am not arguing that you have not. I meant it in a more general way.

A true MLC that happens in an otherwise or previously good m,

is something that DOES have to do more w/what THE MLCer is going through than the m itself or the LBSer. I agree with that.

But I also think it's rare that all was well before in most of the m's. Some yes, but not most. At one point my m was the best one I knew of. For years...

H's behavior was VERY different than before, once he left.


I am nearly 6 years post bomb. My h ran so I never had an opportunity to DB. I am divorced and I have not seen him except in court for over a year, or spoken to him.

I worked on me, and I am happy. For me understanding tMLC process helped, much more than thinking it came from nowhere, that it just happened.

THis makes sense to me. No one wants to think "it came from nowhere"...b/c it takes all our power away. We have to believe we can do something different

OR LET IT GO b/c it's about them and not us. I get that.

But GAL is still the only option we have that seems healthy to me.

And no, I did not do it for h.

I did it for me and I was clear about that. While I don't believe it was coincidental that my h woke up only then

I am very clear that it won't work for everyone. I know this.

Fact is, Most MLCers don't come home and neither do most WAS's...

I don't know the exact statistics but if someone is here on this site at all, it's not a good sign about their m.

That would have meant either that it was the marriage, when I knew in my gut it wasn't. Or that we live in a random and cruel universe, which I don't believe we do.

Agree with this^^... but again, we can only control US and while your m was long enough and sounds like a previously strong one,

most m's don't sound that way here.

I see a lot of denial about issues when the LBSer admits in passing, that they "may have had a temper BUT...." or "we fought a lot BUT"....and then blame the spouse for leaving "out of the blue" or they make excuses about why their spouse has "gone nuts"

when in reality their spouses choices CAN make sense...


And because GAL worked for you, you believe it attracted your h back. I do not doubt it did But I do take issue with any suggestion that will necessarily work for others.


There's no suggestion in my post that it will "necessarily work for others".

I simply pointed out the paradox that

only when the changes are really done for US & we have our own awakening

(that we'll be fine regardless of their choices)

MIGHT the WAS/MLCers have their own awakening and see us anew.

I know many women and men who have GAL and their spouses remain firmly gone. I think this is to do with the length and severity of the MLC not anything we do.


Sure, Okay...but that belief can take away all the power from the LBSer,
and already too many of us, me included,

spend too much time wallowing in our misery, and asking the unanswerable questions,
and focussing on THE WAS/MLCer

Instead of working on US...and taking our power back...I was guilty of that, big time.

The sooner we GAL, the better off we are anyhow.


Dealing with a long and protracted MLC is very different from a short sharp one. They still hang around on the edges of our lives. In that it is not like death, or a 'simple' walkaway.

FWIW, my h was gone with touch and goes for 2 years and talked constantly about the "Last Frontier" for the prior 2-3 years, so it was a long big drag...
I know well what it's like to have them on our "edges"...my h never said he wanted a divorce til I pressed for some clarity, although in hindsight I guess he was clear when he left. As we approach our 30th, I look back on that experience with very different eyes. I do see a role I played in his change. I'm sorry for it but I owned it and made some changes but HE obviously did too. I don't deny that at all. I'm grateful for it.

Once he left the home, I saw the dramatic behavior changes but I would not say it was a "sharp" MLC, b/c it was a long one. Actually I am not even sure it was an MLC at all. (I guess I don't really care though.)


I have closure because I have a life, because I understood the process, because although I changed myself his leaving wasn't ultimately about me, but about him and his issues.

He now deeply regrets what he has done, that I know. Your h had enough sense to look at the changes in you and come home. Many don't

25 that is not inevitable they will come home if we do the 'right' things. GAL helps, but we do it for us.

I feel like I pretty much said this very thing.^^^^ If it wasn't clear, THIS ^^^ is what I believe.

XH is now reconnecting slowly with his children and sending me occasional emails to which I respond nicely.
My MLC experience was very very different from yours, and my marriage even longer!
Sometimes they do not come home and it isn't necessarily our fault. There are no 'sure fire' answers, just handling life with compassion grace dignity and humour, if we can manage it!

My other point was that labelling things as MLC for many here, is a waste of time.

If your sitch was one of the rare ones in which you did nothing to contribute to your h's behavior

I believe you. But I still say that's rare. And I think a lot of people here are looking at alcoholism or adultery and calling it MLC

and I don't see how that helps them except to hope it means a more likely reconciliation.

And I'm not sure whether that's helpful or destructive. I literally don't know which it is b/c sometimes it's one, and sometimes the other.

[MLC World]

My other point was that labelling things as MLC for many here, is a waste of time.

If your sitch was one of the rare ones in which you did nothing to contribute to your h's behavior

I believe you. But I still say that's rare. And I think a lot of people here are looking at alcoholism or adultery and calling it MLC

and I don't see how that helps them except to hope it means a more likely reconciliation.

25 ... that's some insightful stuff. I really must ponder this. Somethiing we all should consider before labeling our spouses with the worst case, MLC scenario. Really need to thoroughly examine ourselves, and accept responsibilty for our contributions to our sitch's before blaming others. I always appreciate hearing you POV. Have a great weekend!

World

[lifejustgothard2]

Would someone address my most recent post? Thanks.

[dolphin_05]

Life, my understanding is that family and friends think they are helping by providing you with the solutions they think will most efficiently end your pain. They are not as emotionally involved in the situation and to the spouse and they can be a lot more detached and logical than we can.