Here we go again

[ncl]

Kelly, Thanks so much for your posts. I hate that we are both going through such difficult times, but I'm grateful we were able to find each other through these boards. It really means so very much to me when people like you take the time to give advice, offer support and share their stories with me.

Good question on if the sex thing is part of a game to my H. I honestly think he is just completely confused right now about what he wants. Every time he decides he wants a divorce and runs off to file and move out of the house, it only takes a couple of weeks for him to see what life will really be like, and he comes crawling back. Then after a few days/weeks/months, he starts drifting again. It's so incredibly frustrating to me. I'm one of those people who does not like a gray area...it's black or white. Either you want to stay married and are going to give 110% to this marriage, or you don't want it. He is all about the gray area! And I'm having to bite my tongue on this back and forth behavior of his!

Good for you for establishing a boundary with your husband regarding sex. You are absolutely right...it is NOT okay for him to ignore you and only come around when he wants to have sex. I'm going to have to get a lot better at this boundaries thing. Now is just not the right time for me to be laying down the law and giving ultimatums, because my H will run. If we didn't have kids, that would be one thing. But I have to think of them with every action I make and every word I speak.

I'm sorry...I know I'm rambling. I'm just emotionally and mentally exhausted by all this. I know you are, too, with your situation. Stay strong!!!

[ncl]

Please, friends...I need your help, prayers, support and advice!

My H is so very angry with me again. He left last night and stayed at his other place (wherever that may be), and he just sent me a text telling me he plans to tell the kids about plans to divorce tomorrow.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Libchick, my heart aches for you. This hurts so much , I know.
This is just my 2cents having been on this journey for a while and going through some hard stuff myself.

The hard truth: He will do what he will do. You have NO control over him. None. Nada. You never really did. The only control you have is over YOU.

If he tells the kids what he says he is planning, don't argue with him or contradict him, it's his show.
After he says his piece, you'll be there to tell your kids how much they're loved, that it's not their fault and nothing they did, what will stay the same in their lives, what will change, and that you are going no where.
This is going to take a lot of inner strength and control over your emotions to present a calm and matter-of-fact demeanor. You can do it though. You've already been through several comings and goings.

He's gone to you. It took some time, but he is really gone. He may or may not come back, but as has been said on these boards many times, it's time to take care of you and your kids.
He's an adult, he's made a choice, and sadly you have to live with the fallout as we all have here as the LBS.
No longer include him in the calculus of your future right now. Focus on you.
Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, be your own best friend.

(((Hugs))))

[jbnati]

Libchick, my prayers go out to you.

So - your H is going to tell the kids about plans to D? Are you going to be there, too? I suggest doing some searching on the Internet about telling your kids about D and handling the potential fallout.

I know my W was all hot and heavy to tell our S about a week and a half after the bomb. I was able to buy about another week and a half by suggesting we do some research and have a game plan (at the suggestion of my DB coach). We were both there. It was absolutely one of the hardest things I've been through.

Take care of yourself and the kids!

[ncl]

Thanks for the encouraging words. H said he wants to tell the kids in the morning. I have no idea why he chose that time. He is such a hot-head...he's an attorney and when he gets pissed, he gets scary. Not in a scary-physical violence way, but he talks a good game. Shortly after he told me that he will tell the kids in the morning, he said he'd be home for dinner. Good grief.

[ncl]

H came over for dinner. He didn't speak to me at all and there was no eye contact made. He ate, played with the kids and then sent them to bed early. He had left before I returned downstairs from tucking them in.

So I guess this is it. Just a week ago, I was on Cloud 9. Things were going so well. It truly was like old times. Tonight, I'm preparing for his destroying my sweet children's lives...once again.

If he goes through with his plan, and I believe he will, this is it for me, friends. Third strike and he's out. He will not be allowed to come back once he pulls the kids into this nightmare once again. I will in no way seek to reconcile nor accept him if he comes crawling back again.

I've done all I can do.

[Royloveshiswife]

My prayers are with you.

[ncl]

Thanks so very much for the prayers and kind words. I open up to NO ONE regarding my marital problems; I learned early on that was a big mistake! So the support I receive on these boards is all I have.

I did not contact H after he left last night. He texted me between 11 pm- 1 am, telling me he just wants all this to go away and how he just wished he were dead so he wouldn't have to deal with it. He is not suicidal by any means; I think we've all had those feelings without ever having any intention or thought of making that happen...it is just from extreme hopelessness and confusion. I sent him short replies with encouraging words letting him know that we all love him very much and are here for him. I also asked him to please consider giving things more time before pulling the kids into it. It is very apparent that there is a lot of love left after our amazing weekend out of town last week. He didn't respond as to what he was going to do.

This morning I texted him to let him know his laptop was at the house. He came by to get it, and I was on pins and needles worried that at any moment he was going to gather the kids and drop the bomb on them. He didn't, though. He got his laptop, spoke to our two youngest for a moment and then left for his office.

He texted me later that "we have turned a good life into a miserable one." I replied that yes, things aren't good right now, but perhaps we should take things one day at a time and just try to enjoy the family we have been blessed with. We are going to order pizza and play card games with the kids tonight.

I have no doubt that he is uncertain about what he wants. I've been down this road with him too many times to not recognize it. He gets angry and then hopeless. When he does act before thinking, he ends up regretting it and comes back. So I'm just going to back off for awhile now that he isn't beating the door down to tell the kids. If he stays tonight or not, I won't say a thing about it. I'm taking the kids to my parents' tomorrow for the night. I assume he will not join us, which is fine. Hopefully it will give him some time to think things through clearly, if he is capable of having clear thoughts right now.
To be continued.....

[ncl]

STBX took the opportunity to move the rest of his things out of our house while the kids and I were at my parents'. He took the kids when I got back home (I had left for awhile), took them to his house and told them about the divorce, without me present. Then, he wouldn't let me speak to them by phone, nor would tell me where they are. I called the police, who told me that they cannot do anything until I have a court order in hand.
He finally brought them to the house but told them to just come in for a minute, as they were going to dinner. I hugged and loved on them all. They are beyond devastated.
So....
My db days are over, folks.
3rd strike and he is out.
Now, I focus on the kids and, in a far distant second, me.

I wish you all the best in your endeavors, and I thank you for your advice to me in the most desperate time of my life.

Take care, lc4

[Royloveshiswife]

My heart and prayers go out to you. You are the only one who can know what the breaking point for your marriage is. I wish you and yours all the best the world has to give.