H is stuck

[25yearsmlc]

You sound good . . . regarding the swinging monkey idea - the thing I find difficult is that this is exactly what we are told we should not do - find another person to swing to, rather find the resources to be happy within ourselves.


The swinging monkey I referred to was what WAS's usually do, AND not the LBSers.

I don't think we are in a position, at least at the start of the crisis, to date OPs. Not really fair to OPs imo.

Your comment about how we need to "find resources to be happy within" is spot on.

THAT is exactly what WE are to do. While we may WISH THE WAS/MLCer would


look within, that's simply a "wish".

Dolphin

As someone else said (Cat?)

You do need to take care of yourself and NOT wonder what any/all of this means.


If you enjoy the times with your h, AND IF it benefits the kids,

AND if you can keep your expectations very low, for now

so you don't get so hurt again

then make a choice to be with him at whatever level is possible

or not.

But stop thinking/obssessing about what OW is to your h, or If they are breaking up or if he's in "replay" or where HE is in the R and all that blah blah blah...
(THAT IS ALL ABOUT HIM HIM HIM and not about YOU YOU YOU...)

Just keep the detachment and your GAL going.

You wonder when you will know IF and WHEN he's ready to come home...well

Thing is,

If he has an awakening and you don't put obstacles in the way

he will be clear enough for you to know what HE wants and is capable of.


If He is Not clear enough or sure enough or willing enough to be clear enough,

then do you really want to deal with a half a$$ reconciliation?

Keep that in mind and

take care of YOURSELF b/c that really is your job.


(( ))

[beatrice]

Hi dolphin, just swinging by. As you know I have expressed doubts to you [in the past] about reconciling with spouse while ow is in the picture, and while they still seemed so 'unsure' and uncommitted to reconciliation. BUT you and the experience of others like Holly, GAG and WCW who have slowly rebuilt, have caused me to see that the road back from a long MLC is not simple for them or us. As the guidance tells us [and why re-invent a road map when there is such a good one, that works] they remain confused and unsure for a long time. TMAK's thread, written on by Snodderly is spot on I believe.

I think I used to think it was just like 25 years says


If He is Not clear enough or sure enough or willing enough to be clear enough,

then do you really want to deal with a half a$$ reconciliation?

But now I am much less sure. I think it may be true for adultery and marriage failures where it isn't primarily MLC, but for MLC, which for me still means a major emotional breakdown by the spouse due to unresolved issues, then the way back they take seems so often to be this "half a$$ reconciliation' Whether we are prepared to do this is another question. You are, and I support you in this, because it is working for you. You have been at this a long long time, and I really respect the way you are doing things. Not sure I could, but like I said, that response is about me.

You seem to me to have a positive mental attitude - are recognising that trust is an issue whenever there has been adultery - something we have to deal with, and something the adulterer, if they have half a brain, understands but sadly the emerging MLCer often doesn't have a fully functioning brain!!

Hope you don't mind me adding my pov here - you changed my mind on this. Hugs

[dolphin_05]

Beatrice, there is no simple answer. I am on swings and roundabouts. I am constantly cycling. However, I am learning as I go. Today is not a good day!! Nobody knows the right path except us and even that is not smooth and paved. I have continued to post because I wanted to provide an alternative to some but I am not saying it is right or even that the long term outcome will be successful.

I think contrary to what 25 has said I am not too bothered where H is on the journey. Having been on the grief path twice through illness and then betrayal and separation I know it's not linear and not even important. I tried to rebuild simply because I love my H and I wanted my family reunited. That may or may not work but for now at least I know I gave it my best shot. Today I am done!!

For a multitude of reasons I will no longer be posting. It is time for me to move on from posting and to get my life back on track. I will continue to be on the alt.

I thank all the wonderful people who have supported me along the way. The best I can do here is wish all peace.

Cas

[beatrice]

Cas, All the best. I too am thinking of moving on: I was off the boards for well over two years. Been back for a while, while I went through the divorce and needed to vent. Now it is time to move on again for me too.

I did not get the impression you were bothered where your h was on the journey: the only reason it could matter is that as Snodderley say - do not confuse touch and goes during replay with genuine reconnection. That has been good advice to me.

Whatever we do it is our journey. No-one but us can know the quality of the marriage. And no-one knows the chances of reconciliation or whether it is worth it.

Someone who got back together told me privately it was probably not worth it, another told me it was worth the wait. Who knows??

I am not on the alt. A personal thing, but all the very best.

[seeking answers]

Cas and Beatrice,

All the best to you both. God Bless you for your time here and sharing your journeys. I have gained so much through your words of wisdom, comfort and caring.

You both will be sorely missed.

SA

[RedNailPolish]

Dolphin and Beatrice sorry to hear you're leaving us. I wish you weren't. But I can understand why. I wish you all the very best that life can bring. Thank you for your advice and support.

Red

[courageous wife]

(((Cas)))

I, too and sorry to see you are leaving (and Beatrice) but understand!!! I am glad that you will still be on the alt!

All the best to you!!!!

[JCJ]

Cas! Perhaps I have missed you!!

I wanted to let you know I am back home now. I had the best year ever! I caught up a little with your situation. How encouraging! I really hope he carries on finding his way home, he would be a fool if he didn't realise what an amazing person you are.

Take care x

[Sanderika]

Greetings To All.....

Cas, I know you won't mind if I post on your thread

I came by to express my good wishes to you all, especially those who have clearly struggled with a MLCer and have DB like pros and hung in there for the long haul.

I want you all to know that this site and the kind folks who take the time to show compassion and offer advise and friendship during our most difficult days has helped me immeasurably. I can say, without question, that this place saved me from completely falling apart many times.

I have been DB to a MLCer for 71 Months now, the 6 year anniversary of bomb drop is August 16th.

While I have been able to take my relationship and marriage with my precious husband from a very precarious place at bomb drop to what is now a real friendship that shows "some" possibilities that we could reconcile, I now realize that a friendship is all that we will likely achieve. I have an H who is still clearly standing on the centerline after all these years. It is now time for me to stop DB. DB saved me and not my marriage.

I am grateful for all that I have learned. While I wish none of this happened to us, the lessons learned will last my lifetime. I am by far a better person for having lived through this experience. I would not trade what I have learned for anything.
My reward for my hard work and changes would have been to get my husband back. I do not believe that it is up to me, and I have now learned that I have absolutely no control whether that will happen or not. I used to think I could do "all" the work and he would come back willfully and happily and that "happily ever after ending" would be ours once again.

My husband is free to come and go as he pleases and make choices for him that he considers to be good for him. At this point in time all I can do is take good care of me and my son. All I can do is go about my day WITHOUT putting any thoughts into what he is or is not doing and with whom and what.

For DBers this is a very hard lesson to learn. It takes a good long time to really understand and find peace that it is not us, we are fine. The problems lie with the MLCer. They are so riddled with issues both past and present. They are the ones who need to do the work and until they decide to make changes in themselves nothing we do will change their view of the relationship and marriage with us. They will remain stuck. They left for reasons they can validate, it's not easy to erase those reasons and convince them that "things are now different and will be different".

I have just now accepted that my marriage was over at bomb drop. I attempted to save a marriage that had already been dissolved in my husband's opinion. I have spent 6 years being the OW to a person who my husband still chooses to have in his life. I have experienced so many touch and goes that I do not know why I am not stark raving crazy. I admit I found hope in every close encounter (we remained in sexual contact throughout this separation) and including all the most mundane gestures. I admit that I was always hopeful about reconciling. To me I could not understand why he wouldn't want to come back. The bottom line is we lost our marriage together. I have DB alone. The best thing would have been to have worked harder while we were together and once he left it was an uphill battle to fix what was broken. I have huge regrets at not being wiser and more in-tuned to our marriage beforehand. As long as there is an OP in the picture, reconciling a marriage is not possible.

We have a court date to the status of a 2nd Divorce my H filed against me in September, I will be motioning to move it forward for the simple reason the OW is still in the picture.

In closing, I have come back to say thank you and to wish all of you the very best as you navigate through your separations, I will continue to be hopeful for you that your marriages can be saved and families can be reunited.

Cas, GAG, CW, Rabbit....I will see you in the alt. Beatrice, I wish you could go over there, I understand your personal reasons for not doing so. I will check in from time to time to see how you are doing with XH and communicating.

Goodbye and (((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika