Checking back in. What a difference two weeks make.
We both have "lawyered up" with counsel who hate each other in and out of the courtroom. Throw my H into the mix (he's an attorney), and it's been a real picnic (note sarcasm). He has done some really mean and ugly things with sneaking furniture out of the house while I was out of town (locks have been re-keyed since). But everyday I try my best to keep my head up and to conduct myself with dignity and grace. It's not always easy, but I know it's right.
And then, last night happened.
Yesterday was one of our children's birthdays, but it was "my day" to have her. H asked if he could come over to watch her open her presents. After much thought, I agreed and told him he could join us for birthday dinner at the house. It was a lovely evening. He was reluctant to leave and tried to give me a little hug, but I resisted. I've worked hard on building a guard around my heart the last two weeks, and I don't want to let him back in just to tear me to pieces again.
After he left, the texts and the phone calls began...him telling me that he was having a panic attack and how much he regretted his decisions, how he missed our family and US. He said he just wanted to start over and build a new life together. At one point, at 3 am, he came over to the house just to hug me and cry on my shoulder. He threw out promises to change and get counseling and to be honest. I continuously told him, "one day at a time." I couldn't offer much more than that.
Then, today he's been very quiet. We texted a little this afternoon about when he was coming to get the kids. I sent him a text just before he got here that stated I understood last night was a weak moment (I knew he'd had a couple of beers after he left) and that we could just forget about it and move on with the D as planned. He replied that we had agreed to take things one day at a time and that is what he's trying to do, that he would never have shown up for merely a hug and to cry at 3 am if he weren't sincere. I didn't respond.
Okay, folks...where do we go from here? Two times before he has left me, come back within 2 weeks (never fails) and then I immediately let him back in on his promises to change...which he never does. Do I just close the door to any reconciliation whatsoever? Or do I continue to put my heart on the line and give him the time and space to make changes (while still remaining separated, that much we are both agreed on)? I feel like I owe it to my kids to give him a fighting chance IF he really will take one, but at the same time, I feel like I need to protect my heart and move on.
Perhaps establish a time line together at which point you will re-evaluate. For example, agreeing not to move forward with the D (but remain separated) for one month. Will this allow you to protect your heart (and your kids) from the moving out/moving in/moving out drama one more time, while evaluating the seriousness of his intentions?
I am not an expert, take (or reject) this advice accordingly!
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Alone, I think your advice is great. Thank you for your suggestion. I think the re-evaluation idea is a very good one. The question in that scenario is, what do we tell the children? Our two "babies" are 5 and 6, so they don't really understand as well what is going on, but my 9 and 11 year olds are really suffering from the back and forth. While I'm not sure I can protect my heart in that time period, perhaps it's worth giving things a shot? I don't know. Country...love your comment. I'm definitely an expert at NOT being an expert! Again, many thanks for chiming in. In all seriousness, I'm really trying to lay my relationship at the foot of the Cross and give it over to His will...no longer praying that my marriage is saved, but that I accept and follow the will of the Lord. Easier said than done.
Libchick, I'm not a parent, but if you do decide to put things on hold for a month, I would say as little as possible to your kids about it. Since your H will still be out of the house during the period of separation, the kids won't be traumatized by another 'dad's home'/'dad's leaving'/dad's home again.
This isn't a period to get their hopes up, its just a 'cooling off' period for you and your H (and mainly just a chance to see if he is serious about working on your M).
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Good advice. Bless their sweet hearts, they were trying to be on their best behavior when H came over for dinner. It seems that no matter how much we tell them that the divorce has nothing to do with them, they seem to think that if they are "good" enough, they can "save" us. Thank you again.....
Any more advice out there? We were up texting and talking to 2:30 am, and he came by the house to give me a hug before work. I just don't want to fall back into the same ol' trap without him making real changes. And I want to make changes, too. Should I just lay low during the separation and let it be a cooling off period or should I suggest marriage counseling?
Let him initiate... it's the only way you can truly know he is serious... if he drops off significantly, then he was just in an emotional rebound...
Wait to see something more significant that just attempting to emotional re-attach... otherwise, it'll be back to the same old, behaviours from him...
and keep GALing... make sure that you have great things to SEE and DO... and see what he makes of that... because you will still want a life to become a better you, regardless of whether your M works out...
Thank you so much. I'm trying to do all things, but some days are harder than others. Today was one of those days. May the Lord bless and keep you in your time of difficulty as well. Xo, lc4
Just journaling.... The last few days have been more of the same, texting and talking through the night, him coming by every night to see the kids and me (so he says), saying he wants to go to a marriage therapist, telling me he loves me. Yet, he still wants to live apart (which is causing SERIOUS financial strain on an already strained situation) and "find himself." He is also saying he just hasn't gotten over my A more than 3 years ago (very short-term and NOTHING in comparison to his). I'm very frustrated and irritable, even with the kids. I really think it was easier when he just cut me off completely. At least then I knew what was to come. Now it's just more living in limbo emotionally, apart physically and under financial woes. I don't know what to do at this point. My family is dead-set against a reconciliation, so I feel torn in what I should do. I know I can't live this way much longer. Something has to change so I can continue on in life, either with or without him. And he has to learn to forgive and let go, or we are NEVER going to make it. The kids and I leave for the beach tomorrow, and he's talking about flying up mid week (the kids don't know, don't want them to be disappointed if it doesn't happen). We'll see how serious he is about trying to reconcile. In the meantime, prayers for my peace of mind, patience and discernment would be greatly appreciated. Torn & confused....lc4
