I'm with J3B re the kids ... I did talk to my IC and our MC about them a bit, but really I've just tried hard to be real in an age appropriate way. Told them it wasn't their fault, told them we both loved them more than anything and that would never change. I also kept them in the loop as far as changes that would impact them went, because that's what my daughter needs to be comfortable. I took a lot of flack for telling them about Daddy moving before he did, he questioned my motives etc, but I am comfortable in who I am as a parent. They saw me sad (but not alot, that's a very difficult burdon for a kid if they see too much of it), but mostly they saw me find the strength inside to deal with this crisis in an honourable, dignified way.
Spend as much time as you can with them, cut them some slack when they're struggling, but don't cave and bend over backwards trying to overcompensate for what they are dealing with.
My kids are coping fantastically well. Honestly. I have a very open dialogue with them, chat with them and temp check occasionally. They are very comfortable right now, even though in the last two years they have dealt with the death of their cousin, the break up of mommy and daddy, daddy moving twice, daddy's introing the OW and moving her in very quickly, meeting my BF (whom I am no longer with) ... not to mention the regular pressures of school and life, my S6 even started K in the middle of all this.
The best tips I could give would be :
Be real and honest with them (age appropriately).
If you don't know, say so.
Remind them often how much you love them.
Don't ever speak in a derogatory way about their father to them.
For that matter, don't speak about OW in a derogatory way to them either (if there is an OW).
Don't ever use their feelings as a tool to attempt to manipulate your H (this one is tough - I caught myself doing this occasionally, but checking your motives at the door always helps, as does knowing your expectations).
There is some disagreement among the experts out there ... but I never told the children that "we" were separating or that this was a decision that "mommy and daddy" made. I was very firm on that. I did not blame my stbxH, but I did make him accountable for his decisions. For me that meant that when we sat down with our kids at various points to discuss what was happening, my stbxH spoke (in words we had discussed together at the MC) about how HE needed some space and grown up privacy, and how HE was choosing to make some changes, etc. I did not argue or defend, or jump in with "but I don't" kind of statements. I just let it be what it was, we were united in our message of "we both love you more than anything and this is not your fault". Our children amaze me everyday, they are intelligent, capable little humans and they are born without fear ... we instill it in them by example and by teachings. The less we show them they have to be afraid of, the stronger they forge through challenges, or at least that's how it's playing out in my experience
Hope that helps in some way! Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
honestly thought a spouse helps each other especially when they don't see it themselves cause maybe they are too sick. I would hope H would do the same to me.
Sometimes it works this way, but not always.
We can encourage, support, and hope they get help or do what they need, just like they could do that for us, but we can't push, coerce, or force it upon them.
That is controlling and we can't control the lives of others even if we want to...
Neither BF or myself are great about going to the doctor...
I'm better than him but still not great
I have asked him many times to just go for a checkup...
This past week, my stubborn stepfather had a stroke at 61. It was scary. And it possibly could have been prevented had he taken better care of himself medically over the years...
I have again requested BF go for a physical, for my peace of mind more than anything else...
Maybe he will maybe he won't but I can't force him to do it...
I could beg and plead and bargain (ok I did try to bargain and beg) but he is an adult and I have done all that I can...
See my point?
As far as other people's opinions, they don't have to live your life or live with your choices.
Only you have to do that.
So while they may be well meaning, it isn't up to them...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you for the great advice! It is so hard on the kids. We do spend a lot of time together and I am thankful I can.
I never, ever thought of it as controlling but now I can work on this on myself. So odd to me that you wouldn't want to "help" yourself!?!
Was on another forum by recommendation of another poster. NOT a good idea. Just reading but such a volatile place! NOt going back there again. I was reading on separation and divorce.
Day 10 of NC. It really is nice not to have interaction with such a mean person. Saves me a lot of heartache.
H spotted at local bar "sloppy drunk". With a guy friend. Wow. Really livin it up!! Crazy. Glad I am not involved in that right now.
Just thinking about the vilifying of the LBS spouse. Of course my H had to make me the bad person. The reason to leave and cheat. How else could he do it without that justification.
Amazing how they lie to themselves! Sad and scary.
Okay day 11 of NC. Can I get a few congrats?!! Big deal for me! I guess I need a lot of support these days. I haven't heard a peep from H and neither have the children.
I will just keep on with this. I really have no desire to talk to H anyway so it is a lot easier.
The lies, the lies. I am friends with some of his co workers and they have told me that H has been and currently lying to them. It just blows me away and saddens me the need they feel to lie. Is the alcohol? Is the MLC? Adultery? Guess all.
But if what they are doing is so great and they are finding out on what they missed- why do they need to lie???
as for co-workers telling you ....what? The post was a tad unclear to me. Do these co-workers say what the lie is? I mean is it about your sitch?
As for why??...well life, who knows?
But lying isn't what normal healthy people do when they're proud of their behavior.
Guess the question is, what can YOU do about it? And you know the answer....
So, let's hear more about how YOU are doing and the kids?
What summer time fun is happening?
What can you create for you and them that would be an adventure? Focus on THAT as much as you possibly can...
things do get better, I promise.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 Hi! Glad you stopped by. Thank you. It is an accomplishment for me the NC. And boy, it sure helps the PMA!
The co workers said that he lies to them just about where and what he is doing at work. He is the boss. But, they say there is never a clear understanding of what H is tellig them to do or where to be cause he is always changing his mind. Or, forgets what he has told them. I suppose it is hard to keep straight the lies. Nope. I can't do a thing about it but they volunteer this info. and to me it just gives me a peek inside his mind. Messed up for sure. He has started to tell a co workers what he - my H- has been doing the last few months. He thinks he is fooling everyone. By being secretive. Well, guess what. Everyone knows. I think he must have told him to relieve some of the guilt? Interesting though I thought. Hoping to plan a short weekend get away just the four of us. Don't plan to let H know. Unless should happen to hear from him before then which is doubtful.
I have felt like I am doing pretty well. Went out the last two nights with friends. But, I find when I am public my mind goes OW. Is she here? What does she look like? Silly I know but its where my mind goes.
I did read the After the Affair book.. 25 I know you said its the least of my concerns but trying to deal with my mental health on the OW issue seems necessary right now. For the most part I am looking and moving forward but I often wonder how deep he is into the R with her?! How can H ever get out if he wanted?
C told me that OW will soon dump him and chances are he will come back. So- I am second choice? OR, would this just wake him up? Any thoughts?
I know we aren't even to that point and may never be but just being honest about whats going on in this head!
