i was terrified to give advice, but i gave support, and later found i had some light advice to offer. now i'm sure people wish i'd go away.
Been fishing lately?
Ken makes a great point.
When you are blindly running around in your own dark forest with no hope, you can still see inside other peoples forests very clearly; watching them run around as blind as you are. It does help you and I always considered it therapeutic to say the least.
A strong man: Lives by his convictions Looks after himself physically Confident Patient father Provides for his family Pitches in at home Asks for help when required Takes charge Supportive husband Steady Reliable Teaches his children Ethical Spiritual Good listener Sharp dresser Gives a job his best effort
Who wants to add anything?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
J1, I think you are misunderstanding our intentions, or at least my intentions. Posting here and sharing your feelings is not the issue; we all do that. Go back and look at my threads. There have been plenty of times I've just wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the top over me. But...I was able to move forward despite feeling like absolute worthless crap. Backsliding? Yep, still do it. But those times are fewer and fewer.
The concern is that you are stuck, and that, my friend, is the sure path to your own self-destruction. Every minute you dwell on your W, or what she is doing/thinking/feeling, is a minute you are not working on your own mental health and happiness. Re-read gabbysmom23's post above; she defines what an attractive man looks like. Not swaggering macho, but cool confidence. You might be falling apart inside, but don't let it show to your W (or any other woman, or your kids).
This is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, I think. It is summoning courage in the face of all of your fears. It is putting one foot in front of the other when all you really want to do is lie down.
We all are living with the very real possibility that our marriages will not survive; that our spouses will continue to walk. Tough stuff to digest every day. My W is constantly on my mind, but I have made a promise to myself to not let that stop me from being a better man than I ever was. If she leaves, I can't - and won't - stop her. Her loss, I say.
Please do not take our responses to your posts as uncaring criticisms. We are a hurting bunch who are trying to look out for each other when it feels like nobody else will. If our words sometimes seem harsh, it is only because we do not want to see anyone who comes here get swallowed up by their own pain.
Here is a great post from the archives that will hopefully help.
Originally Posted By: Michele
Here's some absolutely great advice from Greg. Thanks, Greg. ******************************** Do you feel like you can't go on? Like your world is nothing without your spouse? Well... YOUR FEELINGS ARE DECEIVING YOU. You can go on, and you can have a great life without your spouse.
After marriage, you both come to rely on one another for many things; love, confidence, security, and many other physical, psychological, and material needs.
But, how did you survive on your own before you were married? Could you survive on your own before you were married? Are you surviving on your own now? Legitimate questions here folks.
Marriage requires a certain amount of co-dependency from each spouse as noted above. Here's the kicker: You have to learn to be independent before you can successfully be co-dependent. This is not a one-way street either, both spouses must learn to fend for themselves.
Giving your walkaway forgiveness, time, and space to develop or recapture their sense of self-worth (the soul?) and individualism is the BEST thing you can do for your troubled relationship.
And You. You need to build/maintain your own unique individualism, and be comfortable on your own before your walkaway spouse will see you in a positive light. These positive changes are what manifest into major doubts for the walkaway spouse as to whether or not they are doing the right thing by leaving you. The right thing meaning, the right thing for THEM. After all, this really is about them.
Worrying, begging, pleading, obsessing, negativity, and the list goes on, are all extremely counterproductive to your efforts. These are traits of a person who depends on other people to make them happy and get them through life. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a person who acts in these ways? Well, your walkaway spouse doesn't either. The truth is, other people can't MAKE you happy, they can only make you happier than you already are. True happiness comes from you and only you.
So, is this crisis in your life really a crisis, or an opportunity for personal growth in disguise?
People, please take care of yourselves FIRST. It will do incredible things for you and your relationship.
Peace.
G
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Ok day today, am keeping my distance from my WAW. I am still going dim. No e com, text you know. Got my dress clothes ready for my interview tomorrow, I had to dig out my dress slacks from b4 we were married, as they were to only ones I had that fit. Down from a 41 w to 36w. I was proud and commented in front of my wife... Look at this! It was an excited reaction by me, I know I shouldnt have said anything, I blew it. Picked up my contacts today, the script is not quite right, so I can use these until the modified scripts come in. I forgot how uncomfortable they are at first.
Going to pick up boxes on Friday to follow faith suggestion.
I think I will go in now and take an anxiety med and then watch tv with my wife. I so need to get a good nights sleep tonight. I will take one again tomorrow morning so that I am not dozy for the interview at 2... Wish me luck...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
J1, Every step hurts no matter how you look at it. The pain does get better im only 2 months in and I am not crying every day and my backsliding has become easier to stop. You will get to where you need to be so keep trying! If you have a bad moment or even a bad day remember you are only human. Also only worry about today I find that if I think of the future too much I make myself sick.
I also have lost a bunch of weight so much that NONE of my clothes fit. Not even my skinny clothes.. At first I couldnt eat because of the stress etc but I worked out to combat the stress. Now I am eating and sleeping but working out like 6 days a week and it helps me so much. So I guess my work outs are my medication in a sense..:)
I went to the local women's resale and found tons of clothes that were great and cheap. There are probably some near you that have men's clothes so look them up and go check them out. Also she does notic your weight loss! My H did too so much that he commented to a mutual friend that I was losing weight to win him back. WRONG Im doing it for ME.. so your W notices but wouldnt dare tell you.. So when you look awesome do walk around in front of her if you can. Show her how happy you are in your new skin and just to be you!!!!
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
