After longtime, a tiny thread of hope

[rinserepeat]

Next? Waiting. Tick tock....
Hard not to have some hopes elevated that he'll reply again, but trying to temper the anticipation & prepare for the possibility that he'll be silent.
I think I shouldn't have asked a couple questions. I asked about his health. I thought that was reasonable since he was so ill at the time he left. But if he's not well, he may not want to say so. If he is, then it's a stupid question. Since he was so upset thinking I didn't care about his illness, I thought it would be good to show I remain concerned. But after hitting the send button, I decided I shouldn't have asked anything. If he was replying, I should have stuck with what was working. I felt I had nothing to lose by taking it up a notch.
I don't have a clue how this will go. I reached out and he responded. That's not necessarily anything to be excited over. I really don't want to know if he's got a woman in his life. So if I end up hearing that, then I actually will be worse off than I was, because at least now I can imagine that he's single. Maybe he's dated a bit, like me... but can't get something going because his heart remains tied to me. If he's got a woman in his life, I never want to know about it.
Right about now I could use some help from the universe, luck, destiny, whatever you call it. Would be good timing to bump into him someplace. Umm, preferably on a day that I look great and am not rushing somewhere, lol. It's been over a year since we've seen each other. He would surely be a sight for sore eyes!
But for now, just waiting. Trying not to anxiously check my phone every time a message comes in. Being cool as I can.
Much prefer when I owe him.

[KenF]

Rinserepeat,
just jumping in here, found this thread/topic to be interesting. i'm now invested emotionally in your situation... hehe. dont let me down.

my guess is he'll wait to respond as long as you did. fair is fair. and this would be a good thing.

and i see no problem with the act of texting. the problem will be with your expectations. temper your expectations and all will be fine.

i say dont worry about whether or not you are asking questions, or responding too quickly. its texting, he knows you received it. just make it sincere, leave out the games.

Theres a great scene in the movie Singles where they discuss how long to wait before calling someone back. and how the character left his favorite tshirt to force a second date.

dont push, dont beg, be authentic, be cool. be you.

[rinserepeat]

Haha. Ok Ken, believe me I will try not to let you down. If I were in charge of this I'd be in piecing by next week, lol!
Still waiting. He has saturdays off, maybe IF he's going to text it could be tomorrow. But the sense of emergency has evaporated & I'm ok. If he doesn't reply, I will wait another 6 months and try again. I'm persistant, I will try again. Until something happens or he tells me to leave him alone. ;o)
A few months ago I ran into a former employee who had recently seen my ex at a bar 1 block from my store. She said he told her we look the same age. Funny cuz she's 20 years younger and I think he meant it as a compliment to me and not a dis to her, but no 30 year old woman wants to hear she looks the age of a 50 year old. She said he'd had a few drinks and somehow touched on the topic of "me" and that he likes how great I look and how I don't look more than 30. On that Friday night he was alone in a bar 1 block away from where I work... making convo about me. Maybe I'm just way off... but that's fascinating to me. It's a BIG city, nyc. He could have a lonely man drink any ol place.

I was thinking about what I was doing and who I was when I met him. I was gal ing like mad to get my exh attention. I was running, doing yoga, meditating, journaling, keeping house meticulous & rinsing floors with yummy frankincense oil. I no longer do any of that. I think it's a good idea to revisit those activities. I was terribly depressed but hiding it with fake pma - fake it til you make it. He was attracted to something about me and it probably wasn't that I was in love with a cheating exh & was emotionally unavailable for anything new. But again, he was amazing during that time. So understanding and patient- maybe he liked being the "rescuer". The night we met I was a blubbery sobbing mess, crying mascara onto his shirt for a few hours. Any normal man would've run fast and far and not looked back. Why he ever wanted to see me again is a real mystery. But he had just been through it the year before, so he knew just what to say and offered advice, humor, support, and a lot of patience. Maybe he'd find me more interesting if I locked myself out the house and had a flat tire and a bunch of other calamities. Perhaps I shouldn't be so dang competent and independent. (i'm kidding)
Well, I will get new running shoes this week and hit the pavement again. If I see him soon, I will want that kind of healthy look I was sporting that summer.
Meanwhile...
Tonight I'm headed to Harlem to check out a new club. Should be fun.
Ex & I had a mutual friend who owns a bar up there too. I haven't seen him for years now, and I think I may pop in. If he's there, it will be nice to catch up. And maybe just maybe he'll share some news about the man of my heart's desire. If I see him it will be 1st time since before ex & I split, it seems impossible that he won't at least bring him up. If he knows anything, or if he shares anything is another story.

I'm amazed how much I can create so much over nothing. By the length of my posts, you'd think something were going on.

Have a good weekend all.

[rinserepeat]

Advice! Please!
He sent a message today. 3 words..."I'm doing ok"
so ,in the 1st reply he said -I am well. Now he is -ok. He hasn't said doing good, hasn't said he's happy. But although he stops short of saying he's happy, he did say he was pleased to hear I am happy.

Last night I confessed to my gf that I've been having this text exchange and she was blown away. She knew him, she thinks it's notable and interesting that he's replying. Also, I never mentioned here that I have sent him texts from time to time and never got a reply before. Not often, last time was New Years Eve I wished him a Happy New Year. So like 1 or 2 times a year I've checked in.

K. so his new message is curt. I could take it's a positive response and say Great! Good to know. Or I can respond as my intuition tells me he's not great and say.... Just ok? Hope things are better soon.
Should I say it seems I'm being a pest so bye for now.
Disregard his odd comment and make a joke or offer a brief upbeat story?

Why should he respond and then only say this? aaaaargh.
What to do? Maybe I'm being a nut, but of course I want to pack the most positive impact as briefly as possible.
Way too early to invite him to a show or a dinner. I'm not getting warm fuzzies from him yet. But I do think coming from him in particular, it's fascinating and exciting that he replies.

[~ kd ~]

Lots you could read into the fact that he did respond... as well as the specific words...

Here's the question, not unlike when we first come here to bust...

What are your intentions? Your GOAL here? And not so much "5 years from now", but rather short term.

Do you want to meet him for coffee? Start hanging out with him more? Go on a "date"...?

Once you have that SMALL (baby step) goal, do what works to get you that result.

He's not in a rush, so there's nothing you can do about that.

Increase the frequency of the talks? What do you have in common? What can you tell him about what's NEW AND EXCITING in your life... find out what, about you, he might find interesting, compelling, that might draw him out a little more to be curious about what you've been up to...

And vice versa. What would you like to know about him, that's non threatening, not pressure, not R talk. His response might give you insight into how much he is willing to open up to you...

But in this "dance", I would suggest making room to talk about it more... over coffee... or something...

Just thoughts...

[Valeska19]

Rinser

I just want to re-iterate what KenF says about expectations. It seems you are worrying more about his reaction to your texts instead of why you are sending them in the first place. (sorry - not trying to hit you with a 2x4, just giving advice that was once given to me).

Keep the texts light, pleasant. If you are truly worried about him.. express that you care but let it be. You can only open the door, you can't make them walk through it.

You seem really excited and hopeful. I don't want to say it's bad.. I just don't want to see you get hurt either. Tread with caution perhaps?

[KenF]

i believe goal number 1 should always be to protect yourself. reasonable expectations does this.

by your posts here, i think you're putting a lot of thought into this and i'm afraid you may need to keep it more light. dont put yourself into a position to undo everything you've done for yourself.

i think i would go with the light-hearted response, make a joke over his short responses (he did respond, so thats a plus) something like "well? good? i haven't seen you in x months and you give me well and good? well, i'm glad you're good, sincerely i am, and ..."

then i draw a blank, so something to keep the door open, if you feel coffee may be too pushy then something that may get him to text back and see where that leads.

what do you have to lose here? if this goes wrong, will you be hurt? if so then tread lightly. if not, then have fun with it. flirt a little.

i wouldnt wait 4 days to respond. to me, i dont always have my phone on, or in a meeting, or driving, but i usually respond almost immediately after seeing the text. so normal response time is hours or overnight.

[rinserepeat]

I so appreciate the advice and recommendations. My concern is that I find the principles of db to be counterintuitive, so I doubt everything I want to say and worry about his response. I just need some guidance because I don't want to screw this up.
"I wanted to be with you until our time on earth ends. But if your choice to journey without me contributes to your happiness, than I want that too. I prefer to spend my life with you. But as long as I know you are happy, then I am good."

Just kidding! I didn't send that! (But that's what I want to say.)
In fact, I haven't yet responded. I'm waiting because I'd rather reply when the sense of urgency and excitement subsides, so that my words come from a place of greater peace & contentment.
I've thought about some things I can share with him about what I'm up to. I'm going to tell him about the classes I took and how I am now an alumni in a program called upon to participate in mediation and conflict resolution. And about some of the projects I'm doing as a community leader. He often encouraged me to become involved in politics since it interests me, but I have no desire to do that. However this past year I have become active in community service & it has become a passion over the past year and I have participated in a few big projects that serve underprivileged in a poor neighborhood. I think he will find that intriguing and probably surprising. Hopefully appealing.
I would also like to tell him that I cook at home now, which I never did before. I ate out or had delivery every single meal for decades. I often served him breakfast in bed, but never cooked beyond breakfast fare. But now I belong to my local csa and D & I cook several times a week. Not sure how to work that in to a text, but I will mention a yummy meal or make a joke about it somehow.
I would like to tell him about the recent death of my friend & how it's affected me.
Not divulging all this at once. I'm going to give him reason to wonder more and reveal more little by little.
My plan and goals?
For now, the only baby step goal is a text repore.
Hoping that will lead to a phone conversation where it will be easier to discern intention & interest by tone.
Next would be meeting in park some evening for some convo & relaxed fun together in the summer night air. He's more serious minded than I, and I know he appreciated my silliness and he loved that I could make him laugh. I would just show him that and become his friend.
Then maybe a "date" night to a concert or dinner where we may just enjoy each other and joke around. Have some laughs and rediscover our friendship.
I wouldn't push or lead into any more than that. But if he held me or kissed me at some point, I would reciprocate. ;o)
Somewhere in that "pal" stage, our r will come up. And then we can have the discussion about it. And we will confess our feelings for each other and decide if it's something we want to act on.
If it is... then we have a load of work to do. He's probably resistant to therapy, so a lion's share will fall on me. That's ok.

How's my goals? 1 step at a time...

[rinserepeat]

Goal #1 (establish a text conversation) - check

Now what? I have no idea how to move onto goal #2.

I sent him a fairly long text today. Said I bet his mom misses x country (where he's from) because she had just moved to states a few months before we split. I met her a couple times and I know she really liked me. (big sigh)
I told him about my summer holiday in the mountains coming up in a cpl wks.
I told him about the course I took and how I now volunteer as a community leader. (thought he might ask more about that)
I told him how I made big management changes at my business and how much better things are going there. (cuz when we split, he criticized how I ran my business)
I thanked him for dropping a line back and told him it was good to hear from him and know he's well.

So I condensed a lot of news, all things he could draw on if he chose to. I found a segway from one topic to the next so it flowed. He replied within minutes this time. But only said something like this, "nice! Good work, keep it up. Mom doesn't seem to be too homesick. Enjoy your vacation"

Frankly, I'm confused. And stuck. I know that responding most probably means something coming from him. I shared with another friend yesterday who concurred that it speaks volumes that he replies. She even went further and said he wouldn't dialogue if he was with someone, she's sure he's single.

But he gives me nothing to work with. No info about himself. No questions for me. Impossible to tell if he'd be willing to take another step into this with me. I wanted to feel it was somewhat safe for me to take this another notch before I climb out onto a limb. I'd like to be reasonably certain that the branch I go sit upon won't crack and let me fall. But I have only these dry replies. I know it's meaningful that he responds. My friends who knew him agree, it speaks volumes that he grunts a few lines back at me. But of course he doesn't want to expose himself by leading it anywhere, and especially I've given no real indication that I'd like it to go further.

I'm going to need to reflect on strategy. I have more than I expected when I started this a couple weeks ago. But no idea where to go from here. I suppose a phone call might be the next step, but I'm afraid to call without good reason. Unless I text that it'd be good to speak to him sometime and see what he says. I'm pretty sure I could read him better if I can hear his voice.
I could ask him for some kind of help or advice, because I think he liked being useful & helpful in our relationship. He would ride up on his white stallion to save his damsel in distress. He was good at it and seemed to enjoy it. My hero on many occasions. I just can't think what that would be though. I've gotten so self reliant, I can clean up dead rats in the backyard and change a flat tire. I can carry heavy things and solve my own problems. Tricky to find a jam I could be in that would need his advice or help.
Maybe I should just take a big deep breath, and propose something. Like I made a good dinner, can I swing by and drop off a plate for him. This way he knows I'm cooking and i see him briefly but we don't have to go anywhere.
Or suggest a show I happen to have an extra ticket for.
Or I go dark now for a few weeks and then just when he thinks he won't hear from me again, I start this up again, but say it was so nice catching up with him and I've thought about him since we texted and how nice it would be to go sit in the park some evening & shoot the breeze, catch up a bit.
And probably before I even started this, I should have picked up my books and db notes and re-familiarized myself with the principles. Not too late to do that now. I clearly haven't screwed up yet.

My intuition brought me this far, I guess I'll know what to do and how to do it.

Overall, I'm encouraged. But have little expectations. I think I'll celebrate the baby step I got through the past couple weeks and call it a victory. Even if I don't get to goal #2, I have more peace then I did before I took this chance.

[~ kd ~]

I think you've done great...

and now... you run the risk of pursuing...

His lack of questions or offering personal info... that speaks volumes to me... but I could be wrong...

I'd let it lie for a while. Give him a chance to process. He might surprise you in a few days or a week (or two) with his own information or maybe question you on your status.

Let him feel like you are NOT pursuing. No pressure...