I’ve learned so many things since I joined this board ...
I’ve learned that this entire process is paradoxical in nature.
In order to potentially save our marriages, we must first save ourselves. In order to save ourselves we must be willing to truly dig deep and uncover the people we were meant to be by focussing on ourselves and that which falls within our control. In order to focus on ourselves we must let go, without anger and resentment. In order to let go without anger and resentment we must examine ourselves and our roles in the break down of our marriages. We must also seek to understand that our spouses MLCs are not about us and were not caused by us and therefore can not be fixed by us. In order to examine our marriages and understand MLC we must stand. Not stand still. But stand for our vows, our beliefs and our familes. Stand through the anger and the discovery process. Stand for love.
Stand in order to let go. Let go in order to live. Live in order to love.
Why?
I’ve often seen the paradoxical nature spoken of, and I’ve often seen posters ask, but why? Why do we need to completely let them go in order to maybe get them back?
A couple of reason actually, IMO, the biggest two ...
Until we let them go, they feel us/ The pull, the pressure ... whatever you want to call it. If they are feeling us then they focus on us instead of them and their own lives. That pressure is still there unless we actually let them go. And the MLCWAS is uber sensitive to it. In their minds the LBS is the problem. Period. They need to no longer feel the LBS. Will they turn inwards then? Probably not, especially at first. But the point is that they CAN’T otherwise. Whether or not they WILL is beyond our control.
Talking about change and wishing for change doesn’t make it so. Taking the bits of truth out of the MLC spew and instantly changing a billion things about yourself (as the LBS) doesn’t make for real change. And without real change, you may win battles but you’ll never win the war. Our marriages failed. And they didn’t fail because our spouse had an MLC. They were already weak. And that is powerful knowledge. None of us would stand a chance in hell if our marriages were perfect and we were perfect prior to the bomb. I will tell you this though ... I thought my marriage was perfect and I took it for granted that he felt the same way.
That’s all my musings for now ... Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
We have had conversations on the paradoxes that exsist or come about on our journeys.
For me, I know I am in a better place as an individual, that is a fact.
I also know that for me, it required that my marriage had to fail in order for ME to grow as an individual.
The paradox is that I came here to save my marriage and as you say "we have to save ourselves first", well for me, my marriage needed to fail so that I could "let go" completely so that I may grow. I know this may not be the case with some.
If I could go back in time and do things differently I certaninly would......hindsight is 20/20. I now know what I needed to do differently but if I had done those things then I would have never have done the internal work and would have just delayed the failure of my marriage. Makes me wonder if knowing what I know today would I sacrifice my marriage to get where I am at today.
SOOOO,
I came here to save my marriage and found that it "needed" to fail in order for me to move forward. I did not realize that I needed it to fail until after it failed though. Still trying to wrap my head around that one.
I am not "Happy" that my marriage failed however you could say that the "failure of my marriage" was the process that I went through that ultimately led me to find my "happiness".
Very Paradoxical for sure.
Cheeers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I hear ya MHL. I've thought about it many times. If I had "succeeded" in saving my marriage at any point prior to the actual end (which some might say technically hasn't happened yet because we're not legally divorced) I would not be the woman I am now.
Tactics were my MO prior to the bomb. I was manipulative, controlling and insecure. If I had saved my marriage with tactics it would have reenforced the very behavioural patterns that had contributed to the situation. The tactics had to FAIL in order for me to finally see through my own rightousness.
I find this stuff facinating
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
