Can I save my marriage? (long; please be patient)

[MadeToSucceed]

Still journaling some.

I woke up with a heavy heart. I prayed and listened to some gospel music in my office trying to clear my head some. I called and talk to my parents in hopes of finding some comfort. I was wrestling with whether or not I should contact her because I knew she had a race today but wasn't sure what time or anything because she had not contacted me at all yesterday and I didn't contact her either. I finally decided it was best that I stay true to myself and reach out to her via text. Our conversation went as follows:

Me: I think you compete today but I'm not really sure. I'm praying for you and your health and want you to know I believe in you. I know you'll do great. No response to my message is requested or required. I know you've expressed concern over some things on the track but just do your part. That's all you can ever do. Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Have a wonderful day.
Vet: I've been a little nervous about the race..But I decided before bed last night to let go. And OWN IT!
Me: I can see how you would be nervous but I think you have the right attitude about it.
Vet: Yea
Me: Don't forget that you've been here and done that. You got this.
Vet: And had a rough practice the other day. But its all good.That's before I let go.
Me: Right. That's practice. That's what it is for.
Vet: Yep
Me: I didn't want to keep or distract you. Like I said, you didn't have to respond. Just wanted you to have some encouragement, both from me and the word and know I'm behind you 110%

I've been avoiding "snooping" so I haven't been checking phone records, emails, twitter or facebook lately so that I wouldn't find anything I didn't want to see. Unfortunately, a mutual friend of ours quoted something that the OM said and it popped up on my Twitter timeline...he was basically wishing my W and the mutual friend well in their race today. The mutual friend quoted what OM said and thanked him. I don't think she knows about the A. The only way OM could know to wish them well is by my W and OM having convo still and my W mentioning that she was running today...so I guess it's safe to assume they still are in contact.

I have not brought up OM to W since she's been gone (she left for Europe on July 6th) and don't intend to now either. In June, W mentioned OM was asking about coming to Europe to see her at a meet and with OM being in the NFL, I guess it would be nothing for him to pay for a flight. Supposedly that was going to be this coming weekend but W and I never discussed it again.

It's just tough because even when I make it a point to avoid all of that stuff intentionally for my own sanity, it finds me somehow. Now I'm back wondering if I should have ever contacted her in the first place or if I should continue to just control me and not worry about everything else. I am leaning heavily on my faith here so I pray continually for the restoration but just have trouble making sense of it all. I doubt I'm going to message her anymore today unless she reaches back out to me but I just don't know what to do.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

mgm32,

The snooping isn't going to serve any purpose except twist you up further. You already know the worst, so its basically masochistic if you keep doing it.

Can you save your marriage?

Short answer? Yes.

Get Divorce Remedy and read it.

Fireproof?

The movie, not something I'd recommend watching with the wife.

It's touching and sweet and if your life WAS a movie, it might work.

Basically, you have seen her react positively toward you, what were you doing when those things happened?

Patterns, find patterns between your actions and her reactions.

I HOPE more people start dropping by, as for moderation...

DB can you unmod him?

Click notify and ask her. : )

[MadeToSucceed]

Jack,

Thanks for responding. I've stopped snooping for some time now so I definitely am on the same page with you there. I've read Divorce Remedy and I think I'm about to start it again. I watched Fireproof alone. W is in Europe and won't be back until August (and even then will only be here for about 10 days before going to Korea to compete in the World Championships). I haven't mentioned anything to her about Fireproof and don't intend to.

As far as when she reacts positively, it's usually after I send her a scripture and/or pray for her. Before she left for Europe on the 6th, she would say to me every now and then "who are you?" in reference to the "new" me. That being said, I don't want to just continue to over extend myself so I try to kind of contact her every other day and not a whole lot.

After she ran I messaged her to ask how it went. She was on a relay and they didn't do well so we discussed it via text. It was strictly track talk...until I felt the need to ask her something.

ME: Can I ask you something?
W: Yes
ME: Am I doing too much? I feel like I'm contacting you and I have trouble reading whether or not its welcomed or just tolerated, if that makes sense.
W: I mean.. Its just conversation. I don't know what to say to that.
ME: I guess I'm saying it doesn't seem like you're too interested in the conversations. So it may totally be on me, but I feel like I'm stepping on your toes and maybe you're just appeasing me because you never contact me wanting to talk. And if that's the case, I'm ok with that. I guess I'm just trying to understand better what you need from me. If that ends up being to just give you complete space and radio silence I can do that. Or if you'd rather just contact me if you feel like it that works too. I just find myself always wondering if I "messed up" when I message you.
W: I've just been trying to focus that's al. Its a lot on my plate..
ME: Our convos are all through text, very short and mainly just a thanks here and there for me checking on you or something I sent...if that's too much or unwelcomed, that's ok too...I just don't wanna be smothering you...that's all. If they're short and few and far between because that's how you want it, I just need to know that so that I can do what is best for you and your feelings.
W: Haven't been feeling the greatest. Been so tired.. And I have to perform. So I'm just trying to make it
ME: Well I did mean it when I said you're my best friend. And if I can help you in anyway, I'd like to. That being said, if I'm contributing to you not feeling so hot, I'd like to reverse that and if that means backing off, cool. I send you scriptures and prayers in hopes they are able to say and speak to your feelings in ways I can't but if those are adding to your plate, I'm just saying I'm willing to take them off.
W: The communication we have is fine
ME: Basically, I won't stop praying and supporting you no matter what so if me reaching out and checking on you makes it tougher for you to focus, I have no problem in stopping whatever it is I may be causing. I just don't really know what you're thinking so I find myself guessing at ways I can be there for you and help you in the way you ACTUALLY need and not the way I THINK you need.
W: Everything is fine. Stop reading into stuff so much. If I didn't want to talk when I do.. I wouldn't.
ME: I understand. I was actually trying to keep from reading too much into anything...that's why I asked instead of speculating. But I see how I came off the way I asked. Wasn't my intention.
W: Its ok

We then started talking about what she was up to (she said checking her email but I saw she was logged in to Skype...she still hasn't called me since the 9th). The conversation shifted to her sister who is pregnant and I mentioned I wanted a child and wondered what kind of father I'd be. She said I'd be a great dad. We joked around for a bit after that. I told her I'd have to adopt and so we kind of had some fun with that. I mentioned wanting to visit Africa some day and she said "Yea I think I'll want to go there one day."

Then our convo ended like this:

W: Sorry so short. Dosing off a bit
ME: Its cool. Before you go, is there anything on this end I can do for you? Anything you need me to check on or help with?
W: Not that I can think of. Not in the right frame of mind to think now anyway. Feel like a zombie
ME: Well I won't be responsible for zombiness anymore than I already have been. We know how you get when hungry or sleepy. Don't drool too much and cut back on the snoring if you have a roommate. Sweet dreams.
W: Lol! I'll try. Night!

So there's positives there I think. Haven't pushed any R or M talk. Nothing too heavy. Light hearted to an extent. But now I'm kind of back where I always end up. When do I contact her next....or DO I contact her next. She said she was ok with our communication but it's so sporadic and is pretty much based on me starting the conversation. After reading DR, one of my goals is for her to want to and actually contact me. Kind of open up about something, ANYTHING, without me having the be the one to initiate.

(What do you mean by notify? I tried to send a PM but it wouldn't let me)

I'm posting this at 8:47pm CST. My guess it it won't show until sometime around lunch tomorrow and by that time it'll be pushed to page 2-4 (not complaining with any kind of tone...just frustrating when looking to get some guidance about "where I am")

[~ kd ~]

mgm... Eventually the crew will get over here and start chatting with you about your sitch.

You've posted a lot and sometimes that can overwhelm people.

I get that we need to vent and get stuff out and that's great. Once you've settled in, posting smaller threads, smaller paragraphs, simple thoughts, one at a time...

This is a slow process, so things can be worked through a thought at a time... It's called a marathon because most often, the only friend you have at the start is time...

[jbnati]

mgm - I am going to agree with KD. You may get more responses if you can break it down into smaller, more manageable chunks.

This is a slow process, so things can be worked through a thought at a time... It's called a marathon because most often, the only friend you have at the start is time...

This is true. I didn't believe it at first. My W was on the fast track to D. She was hoping to done in a couple months. 5 months later, I'm still here.

It's kind of like a sinister marathon. One without mile markers, course map, and with multiple finish lines.

I read through your situation. One positive I've noticed is she is noticing your changes. I think it's OK for her to be frustrated by them. There's also the possibility she hasn't had enough time to trust them yet.

I know early on in my situation, I would pray for and with my W as well. I am still not sure how receptive she really was to it. I think there was a mixture of appreciation, conviction, and resentment. I saw the comment from dbmod, and you may want to be a little careful that she doesn't feel pressure from you pushing your faith on her.

[MadeToSucceed]

KD and jbnati - Thank you both. Sorry for the overload. It's just been a lot at once and I was trying to give as much info as possible to help folks maybe assess the situation. I'll do my best to start condensing.

I agree about trying to not push my faith on her. It's tough but I know it is necessary.

Today she is traveling and didn't bother to message me before taking off or letting me know where she's headed. I saw her BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) status saying she was headed to Monaco. It also said "Reunited and it feels so good!" Of course this could be her just being excited about being back in Monaco but my mind is wondering if OM is going there since he asked her about it a month ago.

The other tough part is she and I went there together last summer so there are the memories.

I think I'm going to do my best to refrain from contacting her today. I definitely don't want to pressure her but it is extremely tough for me to just remain silent. Is there harm in me continuing the every-other-day contact if it's just in the form of "How are you doing?" and not R or M talk? She's been receptive thus far but the toughest part is while that kind of sparse communication is OK for her, it really isn't for me. I just feel like I'm sending out a questionnaire repeatedly and she's filling it in with responses but there is no depth to the convos unless I provide it. I'm also going to start re-reading DR today and see if I can get some more perspective from it.

[jbnati]

I agree about trying to not push my faith on her. It's tough but I know it is necessary.

Yes, I know it's tough. You know that if she were to have that foundation in place, the chances that everything else will come around are a lot greater.

Of course this could be her just being excited about being back in Monaco but my mind is wondering if OM is going there since he asked her about it a month ago.

For YOU, you can't focus on this.

The other tough part is she and I went there together last summer so there are the memories.

I can empathize with you on this one. I just took the family vacation a month ago without my W to the exact same place, condo, and bed that we stayed in last year. It's likely tough for her, too. She will probably never show you this though.

Is there harm in me continuing the every-other-day contact if it's just in the form of "How are you doing?" and not R or M talk? She's been receptive thus far but the toughest part is while that kind of sparse communication is OK for her, it really isn't for me. I just feel like I'm sending out a questionnaire repeatedly and she's filling it in with responses but there is no depth to the convos unless I provide it.

It sounds like the contact is for you. You need to your own needs aside right now. You don't want to appear needy to her - it's unattractive. She needs the opportunity to miss you. Since she has filed for D, you're in LRT territory. You may benefit from taking a step back. JMO

[jbnati]

I think about my situation way too often. The GAL'ing seems to help tremendously though. I also think about a lot of the good times we've had and I long for those times again - sometimes. I know I don't want to go back to the old M.

This is where I struggle the most jb. I haven't been able to go through all your old threads but how do you stop focusing on it?

I want to GAL but so many things that I enjoy(ed) we did together or somehow my sitch has stolen some of that joy. For example, I LOVE football but the OM is in the NFL so now football is disgusting to me. I like to jetski but W and I jetski together usually and on one of her trips to see OM, they went jetskiing.

What do you think has been the key for you to start and continue to GAL? It may be different since I have no kids but I WANT to desperately, I just have a tough time with it.

I think it's hardest to get started. Brainstorm about things that either you haven't done in awhile and would like to pick up again or things you've always wanted to try but never have. I think it tends to build on itself and gather momentum as time goes along. One thing I've is I signed up for just about everything I thought I could do through my church. All healthy activities, even if they're outside of my comfort zone. Plus, I am building new, heatlthy relationships with people.

[MadeToSucceed]

I definitely am trying to find more church activities to get into. My biggest issue right now is that I'm in graduate school so I have night class 8-10pm Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I was in a men's group that met every Wed night until summer started. Luckily I'll get to get back into that on August 3rd. I'm involved in Big Brothers Big Sisters but even that has been difficult because my Little often asks about W. We joined as a Big Couple. I don't want to let my Little down so I continue trying to be there for him even though W hasn't contacted him in months now.

I've found myself also questioning whether or not I'm just masking by activities. I had a stretch where the last 3 weekends I went somewhere every weekend. Once to DC, once to Houston and another time to visit family in Austin. I found myself feeling like I was running from my problems and the dreaded thought of being in a big empty house alone. That's what it feels like now. A house, not a home.

I'm actually staying upstairs in a guest bedroom even though she is gone. Staying in the master just doesn't feel right and she took down all of our wedding pictures and replaced them with a picture of her grandparents and her HS diploma.

[a girl]

I've found myself also questioning whether or not I'm just masking by activities. I had a stretch where the last 3 weekends I went somewhere every weekend. Once to DC, once to Houston and another time to visit family in Austin. I found myself feeling like I was running from my problems and the dreaded thought of being in a big empty house alone. That's what it feels like now. A house, not a home.

I think part if it is "faking" it, at first - of course you don't want to do stuff. I don't. I want to sit home and eat ice cream and cry. But the more you do, the less you dwell on it, and the less you dwell on it the more you do and .. it gets better and easier.

Or at least, that's what I hear. I haven't actually gotten to that stage yet. I'm still in the 'crying, ice cream' stage.