Do I attempt to reach back out and ask again about the house situation or just wait closer until August to bring it up if she doesn't mention it to me? I kind of feel like I should wait until I hear from her again because I may have overwhelmed her and don't want to add fuel to the fire.
Yes, sounds like you have the right idea. I going to go with CS on this one. Let it be for now. She needs time to process all of this. Don't reach out to her - not doing so appeared to be working well for you.
I'm watching some movies at home around 1am this morning and get a string of texts from her:
W: I'm so angry right now.
Me: ?
W: I feel like it will be easier for both of us if you weren't there when I get home. I don't want anyone around me. No man. I can't take it anymore
Me: What are you upset about?
W: I don't want to talk about it... I'm just over everything. I have to focus on me. I'm done. I can't anymore. I cannot and will not ever put myself in a situation to be let down or hurt anymore. I hate the feeling. I give up.
Me: I can understand how that can be a frightening feeling and constantly unsettling.
W: I'm tired
Me: Sleep
W: Emotionally, and physically. I'm so angry and frustrated with myself
Me: I think we're all our own worst enemy. My mom used to tell me when I was younger, enough people will kick you when you're down so there's no use in kicking yourself. Its always easier said than done of course but I think I its abnormally normal for us as humans to feel what you feel.
W: I want to finally do things the right way in my life.
Me: I'm confident that when you are determined to do something, she will do it. So whatever that entails know that I'm behind whatever that means for you in terms of support. I believe in you. Try to rest.
W: I can't
Me: Makes you feel any better you're not alone. I'm up myself. Watching some movies. Try to get some rest. Have a good night.
Didn't hear from her anymore at that point. My guess? OM did something or she found something out about OM. Maybe she was just hurt/frustrated in the moment. I'll readress the house situation on August 1st if she doesn't bring it back up. I look at it with some positivity but don't want to look too far into it because like CS once said, if she's really changed, I'll know. Right now I think maybe she just feels bad about some specific situation...isn't really at a stage of repentance and R. Then this morning she actually sent ME two Bible verses via text before she went to practice. I told her to have a great day and I hoped she was feeling a little better.
She responded she was at practice and had to get it done despite how she feels. I didn't respond. That's the last I've heard from her today.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
mgm... the longer you are in this, the more you will come to see some of these... "things" that are pretty standard in WAS scenarios...
Your W started a conversation with you, that she then told you she didn't want to talk about... so... why did she contact you then?
That's rhetorical.
You engaged her and offered some level of support... that's natural... you care about her and want her to be happy...
The point is, while the convo went OK, the longer we engage in conversation with the WAS, the more opportunity for things to go south. You might find this out the hard way, soon enough.
It's not to say do NOT have convo with them. Rather, be very aware to validate and then get out.
For example:
W: I'm so angry right now.
Me: I understand what that's like. Good night.
It's OK to think there is some reason. Chances are just as good you're wrong of the reason, than you're right of the reason...
In these situations where the WAS is contacting the LBS, I've heard that responding to only half or a third of them can be helpful.
There is a chance this is a positive for you. OM could of f'd up bad, which could be good for you.
Of course, she could have also stubbed her toe, got in a fight with the guy at the hotdog stand, or maybe she had too much to drink and was just acting stupid.
The point is, just acknowledge it for what it is. Don't make assumptions and don't create expectations.
Now, reading you texts, you found some times to validate her feelings, and you missed some opportunities.
Instead of me pointing them out, read it back over and I am sure you will see them.
One thing not to ignore, she made a request that you not be in the house when she gets home.
When is this? Does it shorten your original time to Aug. 5th?
There is a balance here between standing your ground and putting up a fight just to fight.
So if you have a reasonable place to stay, and you are comfortable with it, it may be wise you respect her request and not be there when she returns. You are in a tough stop on this one since it is her house, and you have already agreed to leave per court order.
Typically it is recommended for the LBS NOT to leave the house, but...
Your call.
But regardless, either physically or emotionally, give her some space to work through whatever she is dealing with right now. I think KD mentioned it, the chances of you f'n something up are greater than helping right now.
Quote:
Then this morning she actually sent ME two Bible verses via text before she went to practice. I told her to have a great day and I hoped she was feeling a little better.
She responded she was at practice and had to get it done despite how she feels. I didn't respond. That's the last I've heard from her today.
This was good.
A really tough thing through this is not getting too worked up over these types of things.
I have seen all of the different forms of contact.
Random friendly.
Random upset.
Just random.
Be strong.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Thanks for those point. I'm going to try to respond on only have of her "advances" and see how that goes for me.
CS,
She comes home on August 7th but then leaves AGAIN to go to Korea for the World Championships on August 17th and won't be back until sometime in early September. The only reason I brought any of this up in the first place to her yesterday was the fact that she said I could stay beyond August 5th when we talked prior to her leaving for Europe. Since that wasn't in writing, I felt it needed to be addressed. If she insists on me leaving, I won't fight it. I really don't have a place to stay but I'll have to figure something out if necessary. I never really agreed to it...I really had no choice...basically the only one who can make it to where it is "ok" for me to stay is her.
I feel like she was having a real emotional moment because immediately after telling me she felt it best for me not to be here, she went down the path of not wanting to be around anyone and specifically said "no man" and not just me...but as you said and as I'm realizing, I can't make too much of that because I really have no idea what it is that she is doing. I prayed for her and I'm going to go hang out with a friend tonight and then church tomorrow so we'll see what's next. I don't really expect to hear from her for the next few days and I don't plan on messaging her myself either.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
I was just gut punched again. My W started messaging frantically saying she needed to talk at about 1:30am my time. She kept saying she needed me and wanted to know if she could call me.
She called and for 10 minutes she proceeded to cry to me about OM. Telling me how he'd promised to fly to Monaco and now was able to because the flight was too expensive and how she couldn't be let down anymore. That she told him how it made her feel...like he'd let her down. She said if that made him be done then so be it but she couldn't not tell him how she felt. She ranted for minutes as if she was talking about her husband...ME...but it was all about him. She said she had no one else she could talk to or call. She finally stopped long enough to say "I'm sorry I just didn't have anyone else to call."
At that point, I tried to remain as calm as possible but I was crushed. Next thing I knew I said "So you decided to call me? Do you realize you haven't called me once since you've been gone and yet when you do, you want to talk to me about your boyfriend?" She's sobbing and saying she's sorry. I hung up.
She then messages saying "I'm sorry. I won't contact you anymore."
I sent this back to her: I am your friend. I love you. I'm also your husband. I tried to warn you about him months ago. You don't have to lie in any bed but you choose to. I love you but I can't help you with this. Do you realize the position you just put me in? How would you feel if I called you about a woman because we're having problems? I'm "ok" W. I'm going to be "ok." Somehow. Some way. I want to be "ok" with you but I can't help you with this. You have to understand that.
You guys were right. I was getting to hopeful over nothing. She was crying because she probably feels stupid in one sense but on the other hand, she's really attached to OM. I was out with a friend when this all happened and he tried to talk to me about it on the way home but I just cried. I cried and cried and cried while I drove to the point where I had a headache. I just don't understand. How you can you treat someone this way? I feel so stupid. I can't believe I let this happen to me again. Just when I was started to build up some confidence. Gut punched again. I feel like such a fool.
She told you she had no one else to call. She chose you because she felt safe with you. I understand why you turned her away from an emotional perspective but if you'd stayed on the line and listened and validated...... Females need to talk things through and to be heard. They will know who they feel safe to share with and who really listens to them and comforts them according to their needs.
You guys were right. I was getting to hopeful over nothing. She was crying because she probably feels stupid in one sense but on the other hand, she's really attached to OM. I was out with a friend when this all happened and he tried to talk to me about it on the way home but I just cried. I cried and cried and cried while I drove to the point where I had a headache. I just don't understand. How you can you treat someone this way? I feel so stupid. I can't believe I let this happen to me again. Just when I was started to build up some confidence. Gut punched again. I feel like such a fool.
mgm,
You may feel like a fool, but you handled the situation extremely well. I think you said EXACTLY the right things to her, and that they needed to be said. You told her that you are both a husband and a friend, but for her to discuss OM with you is what I would call a "boundary of personal integrity" that you cannot live with. To go there, you then get into "gay boyfriend" mode in her mind, and while she'll appreciate the friendship, she will LOSE ATTRACTION toward you in my opinion.
It's not your job to rescue her from her bad decisions. Well done.
She told you she had no one else to call. She chose you because she felt safe with you. I understand why you turned her away from an emotional perspective but if you'd stayed on the line and listened and validated...... Females need to talk things through and to be heard. They will know who they feel safe to share with and who really listens to them and comforts them according to their needs.
Stayed and listened and validated...another man? I'm sorry...I just don't see how that in any way aids in R or M talks. I would basically be helping her get through and find ways to cope with and work things out with OM. I can't do that. I've tried to talk to her about him in the past. I told her exact things I knew about him and what he was doing with others while he was claiming to love her. That all backfired and just led her to asking him questions to which of course he lied his way out of. Others that know him personally tried to warn her. And now when she finds something out for herself she doesn't call me apologizing and seeking R but rather to have someone be there for her to support her and her EA and PA? That person CAN NOT and WILL NOT be me.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
She just messaged me right now saying "Like I said...I'm sorry. I see I put you in a bad place to need to call on God for help. It will never happen again."
I'm not even going to respond. I can't believe her.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
