WAW for 6+ years -- Need Help

[dbmod]

^

[SolutionOriented]

Hi dbmod. Not much has changed. MIL is doing really well after heart surgery. W is back now after being gone two weeks. I let her do the calling during the two week absence except for a couple of times when I needed to call her back due to what was going on with son regarding college, etc. She has not talked about being tired and lonely for the past three weeks. We'll see how long that last. As I told the therapist, I'm not holding my breath anymore. I'm just doing what I can for me and trying to get 'tougher' should she leave. Not tougher acting, but just getting a 'thick' skin so I'm not as surprise..which I shouldn't be at this time. Hey, I've done and am doing all that I can now. So, its up to her now.

Semper Gumby (always flexible)

[dbmod]

I love your signoff.

I think...the 'its up to her now isn't your 'best'. Build your skillset. You have a wonderful positive, a wonderful chance that so many DBers would give anything for. Seriously.

Begin again, as if you'd never been hurt before. Let's work on this. You can have the love of your lifetime. Are you in?

[dbmod]

btw--I'm glad your MIL is doing well!

[SolutionOriented]

Hi dbmod.

Well, let's see. Wife is still lingering. I have not heard about her missing OM in over 4 weeks; however, I did tell her that she needs to make a decision soon and she stated yes, soon, but not to push her. I honestly think she's still holding out hope that OM will leave his wife. It has now been 12 weeks since OM told her he was going to a lawyer to see what he would 'lose' if he left his wife (OM's wife told him she was taking him for everything if he left her). OM stated he does not want to 'lose' everything he's worked his whole life for.

Anyway, I told my therapist that I decided on a go or no-go date. I am giving my W until 30 Oct (my birthday) to move in one direction or the other. On 31 Oct, if things have not improved, I plan to ask her to move out. I don't want to go through another Thanksgiving, Anniversary (1 Dec), Christmas, New Years, etc., in this arrangement.

W has also not mentioned being depressed or missing OM in over 5 weeks but I can't help but wonder. I haven't asked her though. That's her problem. I'm started working out ...AGAIN... I stopped due to work, school, and home tasks, but decided that I really needed it even if its just to get out of the house by myself on the weekends.

Still trying to master the GAL theme, but it's hard. Last Friday morning, I went and worked out and then got a haircut so I was out for awhile. Then, I stayed downstairs on Friday and some Saturday working on homework and cooking dinner.

I don't know. She teases me, but then acts like she's afraid to or doesn't want to commit to anything. I just go by the motto, "only believe 50 percent of what you HEAR and SEE." So, in my mind, she's waiting on OM and I need to accept that and continue to improve myself. Don't stop working out for any reason! College is going well. I got an A in my last class and I have an A in this one so far (two classes left in this subject)..WOO HOO!!

I do try to look at the positive and will continue to be as "happy as happy can be" even though I don't feel like it sometimes. Funny, though, starting to feel less depressed these days and more upset at putting forth all this effort and doing my best to save my M while W just cruises along not wanting to rock the boat or afraid to make a move. I am trying not to bring up the R so I don't become 'unhappy or sad' in front of W. However, I'm more upset these days then sad and I let her know that too. She didn't say anything just acknowledged what I said.

Therapist was like "what's three more months if that's your plan." So, I'll keep on keeping on and trying my best. We'll see.

As always.....Semper Gumby!

[dbmod]

Gumby-

You are doing awesome!

Funny, though, starting to feel less depressed these days and more upset at putting forth all this effort and doing my best to save my M while W just cruises along not wanting to rock the boat or afraid to make a move.

This is how db works. And it's sign of change within you--for the positive. Use it to work for you.

When you are upset--what do you do and what do you say?

I caught you doing something 'right'--taking data. I don't know what you said to her, and what your body language was, but I know her initial response--listening, absorbing.

You are assuming that she is waiting for the OM to make a decision, and you might be right, but you are increasing your personal value. Now--make sure you increase your relationship value by building your skillset with her--you might be doing that. But being upset can work for you or work against you.

This IS a good place to know what boundaries you want and to set them. HOW you set them is key.

You are in a good place.

[Edmond Dantes]

Regarding the going out and not coming back till late is not me. I do go to college every Wednesday (6-10 pm) straight from work and w calls me before class I don't call her.

Hey SO,

I've read your thread and seen the advice you've been given. I don't intend to offer you any additional advice at this point though I do want to say that I think Tank and 25 have both given you some excellent suggestions.

I'm going to suggest you think hard about what 180's mean and have another look at what you wrote in the quote above. From what I can tell you've been at this for a long time and, as 25 has rightly pointed out, what you have been doing doesn't appear to be working.

I think it's important for all of us to act with integrity but when you respond to suggestions with 'that's not me', I think that's a perfect opportunity to recognize things you can do differently. In my opinion, always being so available to your W and draining any mystery from yourself by always taking her phone calls when she checks up on you (before classes!?)is not helping your situation.

Oh, and you might consider being less tolerant of listening to the 'I really miss OM' talk from her. Sounds like that would be a good 180 for you too.

[SolutionOriented]

Wow, it's been 8 months since my last update. Nothing new though. W is comparing me to her BFF's husband who has admitted to not loving BFF for 20+ years of marriage. Sorry, dear, but we are different people. For one, I've never made a comment like that. W compares me to BFF's husband because of his approach "my way or the highway." Or at least that's how I was at times, no doubt. I accepted that and changed it. However, I'm not that guy anymore and W now doesn't know what to do about that while also waiting for OM to leave his wife. Well, it's been 10 months since he's "seen" a lawyer and still nothing from him. S goes off to college in August, we'll see what happens then when we start discussing our next steps as we will not have any kids at home then. Finally had to turn this over to God and let Him deal with it. MC told me wife has mid-life crisis, but also a type of anxiety toward me not being there for her when she really needed me to be. So, both things working against me. Just have to keep doing what I'm doing. I graduate in October with a BS in Management. Serenity Prayer follows for all if you need it.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Semper Gumby!

[SolutionOriented]

Sometimes, as Michelle puts it, its better to do nothing at all. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm not trying to 'win' her back or 'change' her. It just seems like we're in a fog now moving along in a slow moving fog. Hard to imagine, but I still want to be with her. Maybe not so hard to imagine. I'm just glad I have my classes to keep me company and we'll see what happens. Son graduates this June and then moves out to begin college in late August. We'll see what happens then and will go from there. She nor the OM will have anymore excuses, e.g., I don't won't to hurt our son, etc. He is the last to leave the nest as we have two older dau's (24, 25). We have so many people visiting from May-July, it's going to be a very busy time and that will help as well. I am stronger now then I was in August but this whole process isn't any easier. I applaud so many on here who are 'tougher' than I. Good luck to you and we'll see what kind of 'backbone' I have come August. Need to continue to prepare for talk with W regarding our future at that time. Don't expect to go well or be well received but why continue to live like this? Anyway, I just keep praying and do my best to keep busy.

[SolutionOriented]

I am posting again so I can possibly help someone new to this site or new to being cheated on by a spouse. Read my blogs and note what "NOT" to do. So, I asked W if she was ready to talk and she said she couldn't because of all that is going on now with son leaving for college and her mom not doing as well as we would like her to be doing. So, as my MC noted she may not talk to me until after S leaves for college which is on 24 Aug when we move him into the dorm. He will be local but she is still depressed over S moving out. So now I'm supposed to wait until after he's in the dorm. W is still acting 'unattached' although we both enjoyed some OS yesterday morning. W and I were both willing so why not. Of course, it was me pleasing her and not reciprocated but I didn't start it to have her please me. So, where are we now. I don't know. She doesnt' want to talk to me until he's off to college. I have started working out again like I was before in Mar/Apr of this year. I am still going to class and expect to graduate in Dec of this year. I have also been to church 4 of the last 5 weeks missing last Sunday but grateful that my M and MIL want to go. They will both be leaving end of July/beginning of August so it will just be the 3 of us again, but really just the 2 of us as my son has been spending alot of his time with his GF. Tragic that W and I don't fight about anything not even money....just this OM and how she 'loves him' and she states "ILUBINILWU" to me. I asked my MC last Friday how can I prepare myself for my marriage to end. Not sure if that's fatalistic or not, but it sure sounds like it. I'm just tired. It's been 8+ years now of this mess, but I also want to still work for my marriage. My MC jokingly stated that I should write a book about how I'm able to put up with this and keep getting up everyday. She thinks I have done a lot to try and save our marriage and has even recommended some 180's that for one reason or another I don't follow or don't follow as closely as I should. I guess I'm just not at rock bottom yet. Sometimes I try too hard and sometimes I think not hard enough or perhaps I'm too desperate and then too cold. I feel lost sometimes as well. Sometimes its just the person that has to muster up the courage to do what's right and I'm not sure I'm there yet. I believe I am by asking her to have 'the talk' but at the same time I'm not ready to throw in the towel either. I pour out my heart here as it allows me to vent and think and regroup for the continued battle for my M.