Here we go again

[ncl]

Thanks so much, Kaffe and jb. Love that play on words, Kaffe. He's too rotten to have as dinner...I'd rather starve! ; )
I really appreciate your advice and prayers, both of you. My honest goal in having him for dinner? Well....last time (my youngest daughter's birthday) it was great when he came. It really made him miss ME (and even my dreadful cooking), our family home and our family as a unit. My short-term goals are: that we have dinner as a family at least once a week, that he and I can go on occasional "dates," that we will actually go to marriage counseling and that we will postpone divorce proceedings indefinitely. That is what we had discussed prior to him throwing a fit when I was on my beach trip with the kids. Hopefully his hot head has cooled off and he can get back on track. If not, then I've made it very clear to him that I will not try to stop the divorce.
For tonight, no expectations other than some good family time together to once again remind him of what he's missing. LC4 is definitely "on" for the evening....going to look like the hot mom I am! ; ) No R talk whatsoever....I think that is best to be had at MC, if we ever go. And yes, without a doubt...I'm praying hard!
Thanks again....xo, lc4

[ncl]

Weird thing happened over the course of today and tonight.
At some point, I stopped looking forward to H coming to dinner. In fact, I regretted asking him to join us.
He came by earlier in the afternoon unannounced to drop some things off the kids had left at his house, and I didn't even want to make eye contact with him.
By the time he got here for dinner, I was just wishing the time to go by as fast as possible so he would leave again.
Something in my heart and my head was just DONE.
After dinner, I walked him out to his car with a pan of leftover lasagna and told him I was letting him go. I'm done with the fight.
Something in his eyes told me he understood I mean it this time. He started trying to reel me back in. He hates not having control of my emotions.
But I don't want back in anymore.
Has anyone else gone through this? Nothing in particular happened today. I just felt tired of the fight. And I'm starting to wonder, why am I fighting?
Do I still really love him?
I don't know that I do.
And I'm kind of looking forward to tomorrow, and starting over. Without him.

[jbnati]

lc4, for me I think it's cyclical. I have times of ambivalence and times where I'm just wanting to blow the whole thing up and start over. I think what keeps me going is that I remember the good times we had together and I know that deep down inside that person, I know my real W exists. I hope she finds herself because that's the wonderful person I want back.

[ncl]

Hey, JB...hope you got some rest after that VBS workout last night! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.
Maybe my mind and heart are starting to do the 180 I've been trying to force them to do.
Here's a text I got at 2:15 am, referring to the things I told him tonight as he was leaving (that while he still obviously loves the physical aspect of our relationship, he no longer has an emotional connection, and because he can't let go of the past and forgive, I can no longer invest myself emotionally in trying to save our marriage).
"You're right that I still have it for your physically. That's definitely true. But if you think I've completely disconnected from you emotionally and psychologically you are wrong. I cry daily. I sleep very little. I sometimes dream terrible things. But I am only doing what I think will save us from each other."

I responded:
"I didn't need saving from you. I needed to save my marriage. But I couldn't do it on my own. I tried for 3 years."

H:
"You really think I haven't tried over the last three years? That's not true at all."

Me:
"You never let go of the past or the anger or the hurt. And until you do, this marriage won't work. You are showing no signs of letting it go, so I have no choice but to let you go and my dreams of saving this marriage go. If you didn't do what had to be done, why even try at all?"

H:
"Well, guess I'm just a failure. Going to sleep. Have long drive". (He drove our oldest two to the airport this morning to meet his parents).

Me:
"I'm not calling you a failure. You just for whatever reason don't want to let go of what's standing in our way of reconciling. Hope you get some rest."

THOUGHTS, ANYONE??? I really did feel some peace last night in telling him I'm letting go of trying to save things on my own and am at peace with moving forward with the divorce.

[jbnati]

lc4, I would suggest if you need to have R talk, you present it in action-oriented terms. For example, instead of:

You never let go of the past or the anger or the hurt. And until you do, this marriage won't work. You are showing no signs of letting it go, so I have no choice but to let you go and my dreams of saving this marriage go. If you didn't do what had to be done, why even try at all?

Try something like: I apologize for X, Y, and Z. (or more genericly for my contribution in causing your anger or hurting you) I have had to forgive myself for those times. I hope you can forgive me someday.

Just something to avoid putting your H on the defensive. Would this be a 180 for you? Perhaps one of the seasoned veterans would have a better suggestion.

[Telemark]

Great advice, jb.

lc4, it seems like you both harbor a lot of anger toward each other, and with your emotions in such a raw state, it's easy to lash out. But doing that will get you nowhere, and only drive your H further away.

It is frustrating that the LBS has to do nearly all of the work, while the WAS remains in the center of their own universe. But that is the truth; we have to reinvent ourselves for our own good, and only then can we be good for anyone else.

Stop working on "the marriage", or trying to repair "the marriage", because your H is 50% of the marriage and you can't do one thing about his words or actions. Work on you. Focus on you. Detach from his emotions, his drama, his anger. Much easier said than done, I know...but it really is the only way you will maintain your self-esteem, self-respect and mental & emotional health.

[ncl]

Thanks, guys, so much for your words of wisdom. You are 100% correct, JB; I should have chosen a different use of my words instead of putting him on the defensive. Shucks, I guess mistakes get made in irritation when the phone goes off at 2:30 am! : ) I've just apologized until I'm blue in the face for the past 3 years for when I had my short-term A. I've done everything I can possibly do to get his forgiveness, and he just won't let it go. His A, on the other hand, has continued on and off for 2+ years, and I've always forgiven when he has backslid and had contact with her. He lives a double standard when it comes to forgiveness and owning up to the problems in the marriage. I know that I'd have better luck arguing with a brick wall about it rather than him. It's just frustrating to me that he absolutely refuses to forgive and move on.
Telemark, you are SPOT ON regarding that I need to stop working on trying to repair "the marriage." That is why I think yesterday I finally felt some peace in starting to let go. For the first time ever, I really felt ready to detach. But I tell you, at the first sign of that, he tried to start reeling me back in. I'm SO tired of the games and power play.
Today, when he came to get the 2 oldest to take to the airport, contact was minimal. We jokingly bickered about the packing of my son's suitcase...he had brought a rolling one over at my request, and when he tried to start packing it, I took over, saying "there's a reason I was always the packer for vacations in the family." He laughed and gave it over, but we worked together in getting everything in. He's texted a couple of times since then, letting me know when they got to the gate and when the flight took off. I just said, "Ok, have a safe drive back." He'll pick up the 2 younger kids tonight, and I'm thinking of going to the move to see "Crazy, Stupid, Love." Ya'll seen it yet? I hear it's pretty good.
Anyway, working on lc4 today...trying to let go of everything else. Again, I appreciate your chiming in and am always welcoming to a 2x4 or 12 when needed (it's my Southern hospitality that makes me so obliging). ; )
Going to get my hair did....gonna catch up on your sitch this afternoon, Tele!

[jbnati]

I've done everything I can possibly do to get his forgiveness, and he just won't let it go.

I think you need to let it go at this point, then. I saw it somewhere (DR, I believe) that forgiveness is best gift you can give YOURSELF. If your H cannot give himself this gift, he will carry this baggage with him for the rest of his life.

Anyway, working on lc4 today...trying to let go of everything else.

Good for you! That is fantastic!

...my Southern hospitality...

Where are you from, if you don't mind my asking? (You don't have to answer - I noticed you don't have your location filled in)

[Telemark]

"For the first time ever, I really felt ready to detach. But I tell you, at the first sign of that, he tried to start reeling me back in."

Yep, yep, yep...it always amazes me how that works.

Once you come to a peace with yourself, and forgive yourself for whatever may have happened during your marriage, you will start to feel like a new person. And then you can forgive your H. And as your demeanor changes, and you feel more content, more peaceful and more confident, the tension and stress will slowly begin to diminish.

May not happen this week, or even this month, but it will happen. I know it because I'm living it right now with my W.

Will our spouses realize what they are tossing aside? Don't know...the oddsmakers say probably not. We should be prepared for that, but continue to live "as if" they are not coming back. Leave the road back paved smooth, as is said on this site, but don't be afraid to choose our own road.

OK, maybe that was a little too deep...

[ncl]

I really appreciate your input. Telemark, I'm sorry for what you are going through, as well. Reading up on your latest thread, I admire the way you handled yourself with such grace and kindness when your W moved out. And you have certainly raised a wonderful son. I pray that your W will realize what she's losing before it's too late.
But when is it really too late?
I've been hanging on for 3 years, have been left 3 times, each time my H filing for divorce. It's been really tough on the kids and me. I know my heart can't take much more, so I can only how their sweet little innocent ones feel. I just keep praying that whatever the Lord's will is, I will follow it. Just hard to know what that is right now.
As for my location, JB, I'm in the Lone Star State!