There appears to be three main MLC approaches to divorce.
Some start it early in the MLC and this is usually over fairly quickly.
The second starts the divorce later on in the crisis when other stuff is going badly and then it seems to drag on for months and even years,
and the third talks about it endlessly and may even start it, but never finishes it.
I think if you are looking for 'reasons' some of them seem to think that divorce will 'solve' their problems and they get it over quickly Others are less sure, and drag it out and also use the process as a punishment.
Very well put Beatrice, I agree completely and I think you are dead on with your explanation.
I would only add that DIVORCE = SPACE The MLC'er will get it one way or the other.
I truly don't think H wants a D. That is why he has waited. But, now he has forced my hand at it. I continually told him if he wanted a D then you file. Well, here I go going back on that. Also, this man has had space were NC over 6 weeks and NC with his children.
Even though he doens't want it-he won't fight it. HE is a victim in this whole thing. In his mind anyway!
It seems as I read many MLC'ers must have been able to sit down with spouse long enough to go over finances with out one of them filing. I suppose this is just an indication of how far in my H is.
life, Many mlcers will not file and one of the reasons is that the spouse will leave them alone and not put pressure on them to face reality. Some file immediately because they think the spouse is the reason that life is so hard and also as a way to back us up to leave them alone. Others will file further alone because it's just too darn hard to fix things. They do not want to do the work. We can't determine who will file right away and who won't. The actions are so totally different for each one of them. The only thing that we can do is focus on ourselves, children and finances.
As for mlcers sitting down and discussing finances, I've not found that to be the case in many instances. They walk out the door and leave the financial situation with the spouse. If one does sit down and discuss finances, etc., you better mark it on the wall because they don't care in the beginning.
Whatever you decide to do, you must follow through. Threats are not something that they take lightly and trust me, if you don't follow through, they'll continue their bad behavior over and over again.
Do what you must do in order to survive and live your life to the fullest. Protect your assets and watch the bills to ensure that they are paid (if this is something he has agreed to do).
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks. I plan to follow through with this. I have to. We wont be eating if I don't. To be honest-it felt like my only "pearl" to hang on to-that I wasnt going to be the one to file. And, now I have lost that. It seems to always be in his court.
HOnestly, can't wait for that!!! I just want to live my life and move ahead without him now. Sad, but true. I have geen GAL but this is always in the back of my mind. Once I file, I think I may feel I have really, truly moved on.
25yearsmlc-will you check in on my thread if you have time? I have tried to follow your advice and would like your input now on where I am and what I am about to do. Thanks.
HOnestly, can't wait for that!!! I just want to live my life and move ahead without him now. Sad, but true. I have geen GAL but this is always in the back of my mind. Once I file, I think I may feel I have really, truly moved on.
First off, seeing a L and filing are two SEPARATE events.
Second, your L can file to get a support order from your h without filing for a Div (unless your state is unusual).
Third, so what if you do file? 1/3 of filed divorces are never completed in my state. Sometimes reality wakes them up and a reconciliation is more likely when they have the "space" they think they need.
He's forced your hand and projected onto you the actions HE took (his so called fear you were removing money for a lawyer justified CLOSING the account or taking all the money?? Really? He's a dangerous alien)
Finally,
you keep making this about what HE will do how HE will feel.
And that means you are putting your fears of losing him (which MAY have already happened and
regardless is out of your control)
ALL ahead of what's best for the kids. When you keep your focus on the kids and their need for a steady reliable income
this gets a lot simpler.
Maybe when OW sees the diminished income , your h won't be so fun. They can only blame you for so long.
When you said your L said they don't bother with "LS" does that mean leg separations?
IDK what state you are in but in ours, it was beneficial.
If you like and trust your L, listen to them.
Most of the rest of your questions are answerable in other posts to you.
I hope your GAL activities include meeting other people and doing new things.
Remember to prepare for the worst but hope for the best (and be flexible about what the "best" means...might mean
having him show up and visiting the kids on a regular basis...)
6 weeks with no contact doesn't amaze me, btw.
Just see the L, file the papers you need to feel financially secure and make your new mantra
"it's about our kids, H, they need/deserve to be provided for and I'm doing what I have to do to make sure that happens...". Don't engage or defend yourself about seeing a L.
Sorry, but after all that he has done, you'd have to be a fool not to see one and do something to get security for your children. What choice do you have if he won't show up to discuss things anyhow?
This is NOT that complicated.
( I know you think it IS complicated b/c you want to "understand WHY???",
but as far as what you have to DO now, it's not complicated).
Forget whatever promise or "pearl" you thought you had, saying you'd never file. That doesn't make sense to me anyhow. If he hit you in the face in front of them, would you have filed THEN?? It's not a pearl; it was a promise made with the idea that it showed commitment. But your commitment is to your family, not your h. There's a difference. If he wants to take you all in a sinking boat together, you don't go b/c your job is to keep the children safe, ie the family...let him self destruct on his own.
and if you do see him, you can be upbeat about their lives (letting him know there are HAPPY fun times he's missing out on,
NOT GUILTing him-it backfires and does NOT get them home!!)
There are some advantages to his NOT being around.
Plan on hearing from him around the holidays (if not sooner)
or when his L says it'll save money for him to have some visitation...(or he pays more)
then we'll see how that goes.
Good luck,
this may not be over. Time will tell. But yes, right now it's about the kids!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You say you "Follow" my advice but all I've said is DB stuff I've gotten here. But still, you are missing the key element of detachment. You MUST do that.
So much of your letter is still asking why he's doing what he is doing and how you fear going places b/c you might see OW...SHE should fear seeing YOU not the other way around. Look your best and hold your head high.
If you somehow actually do run into her, I wouldn't acknowledge her existence. She's a fly in the dirt or a thieving street person babbling about Chinese food and aliens...NOT important to your world.
We cannot answer questions about your h's motivations or whether he misses the kids. I don't recall whether he was an involved father anyhow. Did he coach or play on the floor or act happy around them? Was he always drunk then? a
In the end, it may not matter anyhow... Remember the example I gave you of the Cancer Camp I went to, with the 10 y/o girl with cancer who finally stopped asking "why" she had cancer?
She decided "to try and have fun while I can" and spent her last summer doing just that.
What if she'd kept on journaling and asking everyone she met "why" she had cancer, instead? Then she'd have wasted her last precious months on earth...
So Let's Step back now to assess what you KNOW is happening, to help you
distinguish between what you FEAR is happening. You fear you are somehow making things worse if you protect yourself and your children...
We KNOW you want a predictable, reliable source of funds to provide for your children. This is what NORMAL people want and get and provide.
WE ALSO KNOW THAT:
1) your h has been a closet alcoholic for years
by "closet" I mean he's also deceitful about his drinking, which adds a twist to an already huge problem.
2) Your h has left the marital home
3) He lives with and is having an A with OW and admits this.
4) He does not say OR behave as if he presently wants to stay married
or work on things, (last I looked, right?)
5) He does not visit or contact the children often, if at all.
6) In addition to past deceit, He has broken recent promises as well, e.g., to meet & discuss finances.
7) He has removed money from the joint bank account, and or stopped you from having access to said account, despite you having the children/home.
This is what we factually "Know" about your h.
We know from experience, that OPs often help the WAS justify their new financial "needs" for some amount of time and
that the WAS could well deplete ALL savings to get their new life in order...
So,
When you read this to yourself so it sinks in,
can you see how clear and reasonable your decision to meet a L really is?
Can you see how NOT going to a L would be UNreasonable?
Good. Hold on to the clarity you get from making this all about the kids.
For now, that's what I'd do. I'd stop worrying about reconciling or OW or what he's thinking/feeling/drinking/wearing/remembering/justifying
NONE of that matters if you lack the funds to give your kids shelter, clothing and food.
Work on money matters for now, as you would with any other debtor to you, who has a failed record of paying up.
All business. Fight for the kids. He isn't.
I recall a female client filled with pride that she had "taken NOTHING" from her ex h, and he never saw the kids...
but she and her kids lived in squalor b/c she was too proud to go to court for her children.
Other LBSers are too afraid it'll push their h's away
as if the h's are "around" or on the fence about any of it. At least your h isn't trying to give you false hopes so you feel paralyzed that by seeing a L to protect the kids/yourself, you're "making him go". Many WASs do that to stall the LBSer from protecting themselves and in the meantime
the WAS's tend to deplete the accounts and whine about how much they'll have to "work their butts off", as if the LBSer has stolen from THEM...amazing but true.
In the long run, if you behave with dignity while making your children's needs paramount
you'll always be able to hold your head high.
(And down the road, yes, that's attractive, but not really the point.)
You want peace of mind after all the dust settles. Being a woman of substance and dignity,
in the face of a painful betrayal & abandonment,
putting your children's needs ahead of yours and any ego issues or fears you have-
THAT will give you peace of mind in the end.
Hold your head high. Mother those children of yours. They're lucky to have you.
(AND Don't forget the many rules and the advice about the Stop Sign, when images of OW enter your mind!! Those have to become 2nd nature to you).
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Please keep rereading 25's posts to you. She is very wise and absolutely spot on with this. You never have to feel guilty or worry that you've pushed your H away or apologize by going after what you need to take care of your children.
MLCers are very self centered. They feel they've done their giving and now it's their turn. Many of them turn and run from the responsibility of the family they helped to create and feel entitled to do so. With this mentality many MLCers have wiped out the financial security they've built up and also run up debt that the unaware LBS can also be responsible for.
The reality is that the family doesn't stop existing just because they wish it so. Protect your kids and yourself with out worrying about how your H will react. Your responsibility is to protect your children and yourself. Your H's choices have made it necessary to do what you're doing.
