I have been trying to process my interaction with my ex yesterday.... He came to drop off my 6 year old. I had some forms for him from her 1st grade teacher so i flagged him down. He got out of his car and came in the garage. He stood about 6 feet away from me. We talked for about 70 minutes. His car was running in the driveway. He was definitely more like the old ex. He talked mostly about how he is working on parenting the children better and imposing stricter rules when he has my 17 year-old. He agreed to help my son pay for a bedroom set and agreed to pay my daughter's high school tuition bill. He was very accommodating. All these things he had told me he was not going to pay about 2 weeks ago. I really felt if I had asked for the moon he would of tried to get it for me. This is definitely like my old ex. He looked so much more humble than usual and wore clothes he would have worn when he lived with me. Daughters have told me that our interactions are making OW livid. They have had numerous arguments regarding this. She is pushing marriage and I don't think he has been very receptive. They have been living together for 4 years now. Ex played down the amount of money he is making and repeated many times how poor he is. I know this is not true, and we are going to court at the end of the month to increase child support due to the rise in his income. My point in mentioning this is that he is still not truthful regarding some things. He definitely wanted me to know he is being a good parent and is hurting financially, even though he has a high 6 figure income. Overall it was a good interaction.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, the road home, should they choose to take it, is a long one for the MLCer. He sounds, from other posting over the last few months, as if he is on a roller coaster still and subject to mood changes. Was he always like this or is it MLC behaviour?
Reconnection seems to me as if it is almost always very very slow. [Snodderly says a year, but i suspect often much longer] It involves the MLCer realising he or she has made some terrible choices! And we all resist those sorts of insights, MLCers more than most.
It sounds as if you still love the guy, and are keeping the road home open.
i have come to believe that they almost always think they can come back when they are in deep MLC. No idea why, but it seems as if they do. It is only when the fog starts to really lift that they see how this might not be easy or possible. And if it is possible, it is going to take effort.
Some get stuck and others are impelled out by what is happening to them, just as they were sucked in. All in all although we know much of the WHYs in psychological terms, the individual behaviours continue to baffle!
Trusting, It sounds like he wants to convince you that he is trying to be a good parent and supportive of the children. He's still on the emotional rollercoaster and it's going to take a while for his emotional state to settle down. He is still in the "mommy, don't talk to me about money or suggest what I need to do" phase. However, I'm glad he's come through for the children.
As for the ow, as long as she is in the picture, he's going to have some flare ups w/you. I'm sure she's giving him the blues about you and the family and spending money on them. Four years is a long time to live together and she's most likely chomping at the bit for the marriage to take place.
You've done an excellent job of stepping back and allowng him to flounder. It takes a very long time for them to actually leave mlc and begin to settle down. Your xh is inching his way back to the real world, but he's got a long way to get to the other side. You've left the door open for him to find a way to enter. Let's hope he figures things out before it's too late.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Is it best not to initiate any contact during this time?
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Cadet - I think in general you are right, but there are two situations in which you might initiate contact, not always, but sometimes. One is where as Hearts Blessing has said, what you have been doing is now stuck, and you need to mix it up a bit [not recommended in the early stages - this is towards the end game].
The second is where initiating the contact is a real 180 for the LBS [it can be related to the first point.
Trusting, I would wait a while before initiating a lot contact w/you xh. He needs time to feel comfortable w/himself, i.e., the new self, as well as contacting family.
The key now is patience, follow his lead and go from there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I so appreciate the advice from all of you. Ex is in a completely different place than before, so I want to do the right thing.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, You will do the right thing...listen to your gut instincts and go from there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snod, Thank you. My gut tells me not to push too hard.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
