Thank you both for taking the time to answer! I do appreciate it. That list IS really bad and that is reality. I need to print that off. I was doing well with detachment until this money stuff. But, I understand it shouldn't have upset me so much then when I talked to hm if I had detached. He was a good dad. Very involved. Now its been months with NC.. He has had opportunities too. Yes, he is an alien. I just didn't want to file. I thought if this is what he truly wants then he can do it. I thought by not filing I was showing him again I didn't want to be D. Just my reasoning. I realize now I have not choice but to see lawyer.
Yes, LS I meant legal separation. Every L I spoke with said the same. Why would you go to the effort to LS when you will D later they said. I also asked if I could file something for the support rather than filing for D. She said no. Hmmm. Maybe I will have to ask again. He has made no effort to see kids and has said nothing about R. I did take the kids on an adventure and he did find out. H was concerned who I went with and what we did. I said we had fun and the kids are good!
Yes, LS I meant legal separation. Every L I spoke with said the same. Why would you go to the effort to LS when you will D later they said. There are reasons for some to get LS's, BUT if your state doesn't make it feasible, listen to the L. Especially if they ALL said that!
I also asked if I could file something for the support rather than filing for D. She said no. Hmmm. Maybe I will have to ask again. If she's clear about your question, and you trust her, then listen to her.
He has made no effort to see kids and has said nothing about R. I did take the kids on an adventure and he did find out. H was concerned who I went with and what we did. I said we had fun and the kids are good!
If he was an involved dad, then someday he may want to get back into their lives. That's most likely, especially after he meets with a L.
But I also know a dad who was what I'd describe as "very good, very involved" who left his family and never saw them again. Ever. It has been 30 years now. The more time that passed, the harder it got for him to face them.
But he is a rare bird. His oldest son got married a few years back and made the most beautiful toast to his mother. Everyone cried.
The L will also give him some reality therapy but he'll also give him advice about how to protect HIMSELF and
most men make a lot more financial plans for leaving than women do. I fear he is, or else why do what he did?
WE CANNOT KNOW the future.
But you do know what IS...and that's all any of us actually "know" anyhow.
Keep up the Detachment work, protect yourself and your family asap.
You'd be crazy not to.
Don't let him pretend this is about anything YOU have done.
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Life, I remember clearly feeling the way you do. That if he wanted the divorce, he should file. I held onto to that fiercely.
Week after week, that was my mantra. A year went by, then two. I kept saying it. If I file, that will be the end. It's his thing, let him do the work.
Until one day I woke up. I realized that in not fighting for me and my son, I was risking our financial future.
I filed. It was with a heavy heart, but, the last straw was my xh not helping pay for my son's first surgery. That was it for me.
I lost a lot. I owe half of a $60,000 debt I didnt know about. I am losing my home. My xh was unemployed for the last two years, so, I will have to go back and fight for alimony. I dont know how I am going to do that when I still owe the lawyer $10,000.
Please separate the two issues. The financial one from the emotional one.
Do what you must and continue to db - for you. Live your life for you and your children.
No one knows what the future holds.
This is a journey your h had to go on, let him walk it. Your job is to get out of the way.
You have a wonderful opportinity here. To become the person you were meant to be. And to show your children how to navigate through life's turmoils with strength, dignity and courage.
update: lawyer suggested giving H an ultimatum. Choose me or OW. If not me, file. Legally it is the only way to protect myself financially. She wants me to let him know that I will file then. I really do not want to even give him the choice. I think I am done. THere has been to much damage. If he wants me then fight for me cause Im sick of being rejected. I have already in the past told him"lets start over-get help" "it can be done" but no response from him. I am sickened by his behavior. Going to think on this for a bit. I really feel its his turn to come to us.
Hi life. I'm new to the forum but 2 years dealing with H MLC. Ultimatum will not work. It's a sign of control witch he doesn't want you to have. Everything will be on his timeframe EVERYTHING! My boundaries are clear and he still sees those as control. He wants freedom, space,he wants to live his life like there is NO TOMORROW. Sorry but this is my opinion.
Your h has already made so many terrible choices. Look at the list.
Assuming the best of your L, as I am wont to do unless contradicted by evidence,
She may be trying to cover herself (the ABA code urges L's to urge recon if we can, & she actually cares about that...good for her) and or
she wants YOU to know you gave it your all. But in this case, what's to ask?
Besides, in the spirit of being PRO-M and DBing, I can promise you this.
In my heart of hearts I believe
IF there is a chance at saving or restoring the marriage you want to have, with the man you hope your h can be again someday...
it won't be achieved by asking him anything. (Nor would I trust his answer). He chose.
So far, he has been allowed to pretend no choice was made.
And he has risked the fortunes of the family for it...and God knows what else.
Restoration, IF IT IS POSSIBLE, MAY come - by you protecting the kids from his behavior, which threatens their financial security.
Finally, warning him could hurt you. What if he drains the accounts?
Sure, your L can sue and try to find it all...but some will no doubt be spent.
And some won't be found.
And it costs to find what she can find. And That's food out of your children's mouths.
DO NOT TAKEresponsibility for the end of the m b/c you file,
when all you are doing in reality is:
1) legally recognizing that your h has left you, the kids & the marriage; with no present or forseeable efforts to reconcile;
AND
2) besides, you are protecting your family's assets. HE is threatening them.
Even if he doesn't realize it, and I bet he doesn't.
Don't know if you recall my prior sitch, but h left us for his new life on the "Last Frontier"
as he didn't want to "MISS OUT ON The Gold Rush", & he'd "make a HUGE fortune", blah blah blah...
So the hiring guys, (whom I refer to as "the heroes"),
drafted h and a dozen other doctors to join them and "INVEST" in their cutting edge business practice model.
At the time, I read h's contract and said "No client of MINE would sign this"... H ignored & said I was "Being negative..."
Today, all of the doctors hired are broke or ruined AND OR gone now...except the 2 founding heroes...
So Believe it or not, about a year ago h turns to ME and says,
"good thing WE never mortgaged the house for those guys"...
What??? Um, "WE" did not mortgage the house b/c I filed for a legal sep and that prevented it...AND only after seeing h whiz through 6 figures of savings in under a year...
He literally seems to have forgotten why "WE" did not mortgage the house to invest...
Oh, and kudos to me for NOT saying
"OMG, Do you have amnesia?? Its b/c of ME that 'WE' didn't lose everything!!!"
Nope, yours truly, instead gave a DB answer of "yeah, GOOD THING..."
and THAT reply of mine my dear, took WORK!!
SIGH...point is, they don't recall A LOT of stuff later on...or they see it so differently they may as well have forgotten it.
I have other examples but as This day is our anniversary, why bother? (Yep, it's our 30th and we just had a 2 week Meditarranean cruise and it was SO SWEET!!...but I digress)
IF your m can be recovered, rediscovered, your h will face a long road.
He sounds like an alcoholic, and
IF so, he has THAT to contend with, plus the wreckage he's created the past several months.
But the good news is that once sobriety is reached, it produces lots of miracles. It really does.
Good luck Life...at least soon you'll have more clarity. Get some control back into your life. It's a start.
Getting on your own feet and not having to contact him "asking" him for money to which the family is entitled...gross!!
Oh and Please, at least at the beginning of this process
use the L's for the ugly stuff b/c that is what they are paid for.
Anyone can work out a formula for support payments and custody...except when it's hard to do....
AND IT'S ALWAYS VERY VERY HARD TO DO...
which is why L's exist for "family matters."
The few couples I know who really do work things out on their own, usually have been through a few years of paying Legal bills first.
I knew a w who decided that their "informal" agreement was worthless as her h followed it about half the time and she never knew when that half would happen. Her credit stank and she constantly felt a knot in her stomach about money for the kids, let alone the rest of her emotions...
so she warned him not to be late again. He was late. She filed for a court order. He STILL was late, so she went to court and he was found in contempt...and he was NEVER late again.
Years later they were able to discuss things "informally" to make some changes, and he never broke those agreements either. Lesson learned.
Once your H pays the legal costs and sees reality, I doubt he'll "miss" too many more meetings to talk about finances.
And if he does, then you won't be there anymore getting stood up.
Either way, win win for you.
Good luck Life, I know this isn't what you wanted. But you have to deal with the cards you have.
Protect the kids and yourself and your future.
If you don't, things can get a lot worse.
Be strong.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
