I know this is wrong but today I do equate my happiness if H is miserable or unhappy. I don't want him enjoying himself. I like to hear he looks bad, etc. I know its is childish but right now he doesn't seem to be suffering ANY consequences of what he has done to our family and it makes me angry. I am dealing with the tears of his children and my broken heart and he is out partying and living with OW. Venting here today!
I know this is wrong but today I do equate my happiness if H is miserable or unhappy. I don't want him enjoying himself. I like to hear he looks bad, etc. I know its is childish but right now he doesn't seem to be suffering ANY consequences of what he has done to our family and it makes me angry. I am dealing with the tears of his children and my broken heart and he is out partying and living with OW. Venting here today!
I understand this. I do. Facing the mess HE made with the kids is UNFAIR and sad and tough to deal with. Been there, done that. Still am dealing with it in the sense that d22 has been affected by h's AWOL status while she was in high school.
But when I go too far with my "unfair to ME/HER" approach, I say "AFRICA" and shut up.
(I mean, talk about unfair...and recall some perspective)
Also, you are mind reading about his happiness and projecting a bit of unrealness to his life...as if he's "out partying" with OW all the time.
Think they ever do laundry? Vacuum? Wash dishes? Fart or burp?
Is it ALL UBER great sex w/multiple climaxes and dancing, staring into each other's eyes, repeatedly?
Think they EVER fight? Ever get angry or unreasonable?
Or do they ALWAYS know what the other one meant or said or thought? Are their memories identical? Oh, no. YOU have history with him, not her.
While I dislike the tone of the proverb, it bears repeating.... "the best revenge is a life well lived."
So go live it. Let HIM wonder and let yourself BE HAPPY...or at least happiER...
rent a scary movie (or a comedy? Or Avatar or whatever makes YOU and the kids happy) and make popcorn
and have your own party.
AND LIFE, how are those GAL things going?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25yearsmlc. I start my new job soon. Still exercising.
That's it right now. That is all about I can handle. I started thinking about the future and I became very overwhelmed with what I have on my plate. I know I can do it. BUt, do it alone? Not so sure. THe kids need a dad.
He seems to have forgotten our history and the children WE brought into this world. I really doubt he wonders about me for sure. Sure he misses the kids. He was a good dad.
And of course, through the grape vine he is out partying almost every night with or without her. I suppose numbing his pain and memories.
I have a big week ahead. Seems half of my life came down to an hour in the office with a L. All ironed out about who gets what. And, that is that. Sad. Overwhelming.
Yes it is. Do I think he's numbing his pain? Absolutely. Do I care? A little...
I'm more about you finding things overwhelming.
Overwhelming when stared at as a whole. But it is NOT unmanageable, in parts.
So let's break it down in parts. What parts?
Days...today...tonight. MAYBE tomorrow.
For NOW, what can you create that would bring some laughter or joy or fun,
into your life or the kids'?
Let's do it. Seriously. So, check THAT.
Also... never underestimate the healing power of water.
Warm baths, hot tubs if you have one, showers, etc. Embrace them. One time I recall hearing a commercial about "clean water" in a 3rd world country just as I was about to go lay in my bath. Geez, I felt so grateful!
Take care of yourself.
If you can, get a massage. God it's nice to be touched, (sometimes more so when it's not about sex if you KWIM.)
Be good to you.
Life gets better. I promise.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
A therapist that I know told me that when they hurt our kids it is a different pain from their abandonment of us. It is hard to see the two strands, because we feel initially, one huge hurt.
While I agree AFRICA is a good thought, actually to a depressed and hurting person pointing out there are people worse off than them can sometimes intensify the depression, because then they feel guilty about feeling bad!
But what I think 25years was doing was to try and reduce what you are feeling to something more manageable in the greater scheme of things.
If you can separate your h's actions towards you from those towards his kids and deal with them separately it might help. I have been dealing with this a long time, and my xh is still treating his kids inappropriately - and it still upsets me. When people hurt our children we feel very strong emotions. You are dealing with abandonment and hurtful behaviour to your children, and it is hard to get by this.
i agree totally about dividing things up into manageable bits - like cleaning a house. - a room or a corner at a time, It does get better, and we do grow, but we have to work through the pain.
Please ignore that questions. As of this morning- from this day on- it is about me and the kids and our life ahead. I am not interested in reconciling anymore. I wont be busting my D by choice but know that I am becoming the person I want to be. I could have made a lot more mistakes without this site. Thank you everyone.
Living for you and the kids is exactly what you need to do, it does not, however, need to be linked to reconciliation in any way... Two separate things ...
Peace, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
nothing happened this morning. Just woke up and decided there has been way too much deceit and I can't get over that. He crossed my boundaries. I know they are separate but I held onto that little bit of hope that he may come to his senses and our lives would be as a family again. I am not interested anymore. I hope he wakes up for the kid's sake - they need a dad. He isn't part of any of my future plans. I want to eventually find another R but not with him. I don't know if I am even expressing this well. It is the best I can do right now.
I'm with you on this. I have held on for 2 years. I had ENOUGH. In my eyes, he lost a wonderful wife and he's loosing respect from his own kids.He discarded everyone that loved him the most. In my eyes, he deserves his OW. She puts him through hell but his behavior deserves just that. I TOO AM MOVING WITHOUT HIM. I have no more patience for his childish behavior.
I am a good person, i lived right by him, never betrayed him, never lied to him, stood by him for 18 yrs, gave him 4 wonderful kids and one day, just walked out and lived as if we never existed. Maybe it's time for him to not exist on my life.
