Can someone PLEASE help me learn how to enforce boundaries??? He didn't end up staying the night tonight; just left at midnight so he could go to his "home" and do a little work before bed. This situation is so messed up (for lack of a nicer word). It takes him filing for divorce, moving out (therefore straining our finances, putting the kids and me through hell, etc, etc) for him to want to spend time with me and tell me he loves me??? Something about this situation reminds me of those awful talks my mother would have with me as a teenager along the lines of "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?". I'm too easy!!!!
This is the way I was taught to make boundaries. However you need to develop the spine to realize you make them FOR YOURSELF, not for them.
I feel ___________when you do (action) ___________. In future if you do this__________, I will ________________.
If I were to put myself in your shoes it would probably go something like this:
H. I feel used and devalued when you decide to be intimate with me given our current situation. In future I would prefer that unless I invite you to be intimate with me you not assume that you have privileges in that area. I will ask you to leave if things get uncomfortable for me.
Ic4 I remind you again this is so you don't feel like sh*t afterward. It's not meant as a punishment to your H.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
JB, no doubt he has a D fantasy. He really thinks the grass is greener at a bachelor's pad than at the family home. He is one of those stubborn people who has to learn the hard way that the "freedom" of divorce isn't all that and a bag of chips. One thing that I think contributed to him leaving the marriage in such a hurry this time is that he doesn't discuss his feelings with his Christian, married friends who know me and our family and our history...he knows how they all feel about this situation (they've made it clear to him)! He this time has turned to a single friend/work aquaintance (never married) who doesn't live here and has never met me or our kids. He has turned to him because he knows he is going to hear what he wants to hear...no 2x4s. So, yes...I'm prepared for the pull back...got my emotional neck brace on. This time was bomb #3 for me...I'm starting to lose count.
I think this is what my wife is going through.
This week she filed for divorce and started looking for an apartment. Last night my wife told our daughter that her and mommy are moving into an apartment because mommy and daddy fight a lot and we need some time apart. She called it a separation and said maybe in 2-3 months we will fix things and they will move back.
After our daughter went outside, I asked her why she framed it that way, and she said it's true. She said after the temporary orders are in place, she wants to let the divorce sit for a while to see what happens.
I love her and want to get back with her... but in some ways this feels like she wants her cake and eat it too, and its not fair.
The only thing I can is take advantage of the situation myself and GAL and improve myself.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
It's not so much that I feel bad about myself afterward...I enjoy the intimacy with him and in no way feel "pressured" to be with him...it takes two to tango, and I'm a willing partner! But I just don't want more-of-the-same behavior from him. There are so very many things we need to change in order for this marriage to work. The intimacy has always been good, but it alone can't save a marriage.
"I don't know how you've kept it together this long. Perhaps it's God's bigger plan to get you to much better place than you've ever been." (JB)
I don't know how I've kept it together this long either! Certainly, by the grace of God, some amazing family and friends, my kiddos. No way could I do it on my own. And I hold tight to the faith that yes, God does have some bigger and better things planned for me to come from this, whether those plans include H or not. I just wish God would speed up the process a little bit!!!
No, I don't think that's what you really want. It just feels that way. It's so easy to want to run ahead of God. But his timing is absolutely perfect. He has bigger plans than you can ever imagine for you.
