To Be Continued....

[ncl]

Just saw your response, Telemark. What do you think of how I handled it? Be honest.

I really am TIRED.

[Telemark]

Sometimes I forget how long you've been through this mess, so I think the accepted DB rules might not apply to you as they apply to others.

So with that in mind, I believe your comments were justified. It is time for your H to get in the boat or stay on shore.

"I'm wondering if he is just trying to keep me under his thumb. He has mentioned several times that he knows once I'm back on the market, I won't be there for long (whatever...how long I'm "on the market" is up to ME, no one else). I am wondering if he doesn't really want me, but wants to make sure no one else gets me either."

Now that is a situation I never thought of, but it sure wouldn't surprise me. I've read about other WAS's on this board who get quite upset when they realize their spouses are moving on or getting ready to move on.

Stick to your guns. And since you are a fine Texas woman, you must have at least one of those...

[Endeavour]

I hear you, lc4. I'm right there with you in the feeling tired of this all and wanting to move on already.

I too want a decision from my H. He offers hugs and seems to be getting closer (he bought a relationship book two days ago!) and then bombs me again. Got another one today. Yay me.

I'm almost numb to the whole thing. I barely react to the bombs. If it wasn't my life, I'd almost think it was funny. Maybe this whole thing has just made me cynical but enough already!

Anyway, I think you handled your H the best way you could, given the circumstances. A wise poster on this board said when they're truly ready for piecing, you'll know. If you're still in limbo or wondering what's going on, they're not ready.

Hang in there.

[jbnati]

I told him I need a plan, because I refuse to live like this for very long; it is draining me emotionally and us financially. I told him we need to either commit to the marriage or move on with divorce.

lc4, I am sorry you are feeling down today. This is a tough one. I will be praying for you on this one. I'm afraid this rings of an ultimatum. Is this what you feel you need right now? Are you done-done, or extremely frustrated? Frankly, I don't blame you for being frustrated.

I'm running out of steam. The intimacy is nice, but I don't like feeling like I did before we were married...wondering if he's staying or going. The "I love you's" and hugs are great, but if he's offering that and then LEAVING me...what is the point?

Again, I don't blame you at all for being frustrated. It sounds to me like he is getting his emotional need of physical intimacy satisfied while your emotional need of the emotional connection is being left unmet. I don't think the ILYs and hugs mean a whole lot right now because you question the sincerity of them.

I agree with Telemark in that it doesn't sound like he's not respecting your boundaries.

[ncl]

Thanks for the input, friends. Endeavour...honey....I'm SO sorry. I know how you feel. And as numb as you can get, it still hurts because you had hope on some level that things were going to be different this time. I've often told my close friends that if I were to write a book about my marriage, it would read like fiction...no one could believe all this BS is for real! But it IS real, and it's not funny when you are going through it. Hugs to you.

I love my H; I really, really do. But I'm SO tired. If I can see some action from him then maybe I'll start to believe he is sincere. Until then, my gut just doesn't trust him. JB, you are right...it does ring of ultimatum, but I think there needs to be some sort of a timeline and some goals established that we work toward.

After reading Telemark's suggestions, I contacted H again. I told him I am having a difficult time with the current situation, and I'm not okay with us just having intimacy without doing some real work on our marriage. I told him that until we are able to set some real goals and timelines with reconciling and start doing the work, I can't continue doing what we are doing. He replied, "Ok. We can set some goals and deadlines." Again, we'll see.

Telemark, you made me smile the first REAL smile of the day with your comment regarding sticking to my guns. Now you know, that even though I am a Texas girl (born and raised) that I'm ALSO a liberal chick (quite possibly the last one left in Texas)! So you know how we liberals feel about guns and all. That being said, I will admit that as a teenager I reached "expert" level with a program through the NRA...I just don't hunt. But you did make me smile, maybe even got a chuckle...so thanks for that.

[Endeavour]

Exactly. It's like a bad soap opera. Almost too dramatic to be true. Sigh. I'm sorry you're going through this too. Honestly, until I found this board, I thought I was the only one with a husband like this!

Anyway, I also understand the trust issue as well. I don't trust my H at all. I'm not even sure I should, or how we can truly move forward with his vacillation hanging in the air between us.

It's like there's a part of me that is committed to this journey, and I believe in marriage and family and know it's not always easy but then I wonder if I'm just tolerating this all due to low self-esteem. I do know that I have contributed negatively to our relationship so I'm doing my best to own that...

And of course, there's still a part of me that wonders if you can build a relationship without trust. But then other relationships have healed from infidelity and to move on from that, you need to get the trust back. So it must be possible but honestly I don't even know how to begin that process...if he actually ever truly commits to working on our marriage consistently that is...

Does that even make sense?

Anyway, I really hope your H follows through and helps you make a list of goals. Good luck. (((Hugs)))

[ncl]

Sadly, it does make sense to me, because I hold on to that "if" too. Doesn't/wouldn't make sense to most people, but it does to me.

[Endeavour]

Yes, to me too.

I think a lot of people are too quick to move on when their marriages reach this point and from I've read a lot of marriages do, but it's the deeper connection and love that comes from staying the course and doing the work, that I hold out for...

The kids, the shared history. Learning to forgive. It must all be worth it.

And if we are forced to move on because they are truly done, we know we have what it takes stand by our commitments.

[jbnati]

That being said, I will admit that as a teenager I reached "expert" level with a program through the NRA.

That is cool!

I contacted H again. I told him I am having a difficult time with the current situation, and I'm not okay with us just having intimacy without doing some real work on our marriage.

Sounds like you were "asking for what you want". I hope and pray your H follows through on this.

[ncl]

Thanks, JB, you are a good friend to think of me and pray for my sitch. I must admit, though, that it's hard to type JB without thinking about Justin Bieber! LOL!!!

H and I have texted back and forth a few times this evening. We've agreed on a few goals with a timeline in mind for moving forward together or apart by Thanksgiving. We'll see how it goes. I need to move forward one way or another by the new year. I need MY success story to begin.
I know I may be censored for this (not sure what we can include on here with reference to other reading materials...so I apologize if I overstep the boundaries), but I'm reading "Surprised by Love...One Couple's Journey from Infidelity to True Love"
Interesting stuff....