I think a lot of people are too quick to move on when their marriages reach this point and from I've read a lot of marriages do, but it's the deeper connection and love that comes from staying the course and doing the work, that I hold out for...
The kids, the shared history. Learning to forgive. It must all be worth it.
And if we are forced to move on because they are truly done, we know we have what it takes stand by our commitments.
I must admit, though, that it's hard to type JB without thinking about Justin Bieber! LOL!!!
I am not him. I have to confess that made me laugh. I'd prefer my boyhood hero of Johnny Bench over Justin Bieber though.
So I was thinking about your situation when I was out there riding my bike in the dark. All I could come up with is a bunch of questions which may or may not be helpful: - What are you doing differently this time around? - Those goals you mentioned - how action-oriented are they? - What is working right now? - What is not working right now? - How measurable are those goals? - What will tell you if your H is moving closer or further away?
I think the last thing you want right now is to ever go through this again. Be patient. As long as you're moving in the right direction, that's a good thing. If you're moving in the wrong direction, change direction.
Thanks for taking the time to think about my sitch and for the questions. I'll do my best to answer them.
1). This time around I am listening when he talks about R without interrupting and reacting (big problem for me!), giving H his space, I've stopped the "just go ahead and get your divorce!" talk, I'm agreeing to stay separated for an additional 3 months (not telling him if we wants to work on the R, he needs to move back home right now). In the past I have pursued until I'm blue in the face; this time, I've really stepped back considerably.
2). As to how action-oriented the goals will be is yet to be seen. We've agreed to strive to spend family time together at least once a week; to not participate in other relationships (P or E) during our separation; to attend marriage counseling and to have made a decision with regard to our marriage by Thanksgiving...either we are back living together by then or moving forward with the D.
3). What is working right now? What we are doing right now seems to be working for him. He seems more comfortable around me since he has own space. He is again telling me he loves me, hugging/holding me. We are talking again like we did in the past, about any and everything (not just R talk).
4). What we have been doing is NOT working for me. I am hoping that by putting some goals and a timeline in play, I will feel better about what we are doing. I need to feel like we are working toward something, not just fooling around with no particular plan in place.
5). I think the goals are measurable. We'll see if he follows through.
6). I'll know if he's moving toward me or away from me by if he follows through with the goals we have agreed upon.
Am I moving in the right direction? I am not sure. Time will tell. But yes, I'm tired of going through this same cycle. Patience isn't my virtue, but I'm trying.
I think #1 is very good. That's a good example of a 180, and a good 180 at that. I especially like that one because it's something YOU can control.
I think with #2, you can only control YOUR part of that. Your H will have to hold up his end of the bargain.
With #3 and #4, I think you are going to need to establish some healthy baoundaries. It seems to me like your H is doing a bit of "cake-eating". It doesn't seem like he's been given the opportunity to miss you, in my VHO.
What are some additional personal goals (I think #1's a good start)? What are you doing to GAL?
Maybe part of the reason you are going through this is that God is trying to teach you patience? You definitely don't want to enter reconciliation too soon. I think the more you can do to improve yourself and GAL, the more patience you will have.
Thanks for the feedback and for making me think, Bieber! Okay, okay...I'll stop with that!
What am I doing for me? Well, as a mother of 4 kids, the majority of my GAL'ing involves them and attending their activities, volunteering at their school, etc. I do teach Sunday School (starting my 8th year at it), I spend time with my friends - lunching, shopping, just hanging out, etc. and I am a pilates junkie. I dropped a couple of my other activities when D was filed because I simply needed some privacy in my life; we live in a smallish town where people love to chit chat about other people's problems. Sad, huh? I also dropped my fb account (he absolutely HATES fb, and again, I needed some privacy). Now that all my kiddos will be in school full-time, I'm trying to transition back into the work world part-time. That will be HUGE for me.
Yes, definitely going to establish some personal boundaries with regard to our intimacy. I'm going to have to think on that and perhaps ask our counselor to help us with establishing those. I do think it's important that we continue to do some things as a family because that makes him miss me and our life at home. I know it's hard for him when we are having so much fun and then he has to go to his quiet, practically empty house, but that's what he needs right now.
Most of these things do require work from both of us and will show me if he is planning to hold up his end of the bargain. If he isn't, Thanksgiving is my deadline. I want to move on one way or another by the beginning of the new year.
Baby steps and patience...ugh... Okay, I'm trying. Thanks again for trying to keep me on course. You rock, Johnny Bench!!!
Sounds like you are doing some good things. Spending time with your kids is an excellent way to GAL, IMO. You are doing an excellent job of that. It's a lot easier in a way for me, because I only have one. Going back to work part-time should help, too.
Is there anything new you would like to try? Just trying to think of ways to mix it up and amp it up a bit. Maybe you could go shooting?
Yes, definitely going to establish some personal boundaries with regard to our intimacy. I'm going to have to think on that and perhaps ask our counselor to help us with establishing those. I do think it's important that we continue to do some things as a family because that makes him miss me and our life at home. I know it's hard for him when we are having so much fun and then he has to go to his quiet, practically empty house, but that's what he needs right now.
I recall reading on the forum that "no man comes home for the good sex he's not having" so I'm not sure I would necessarily call it cake-eating if there's no OW. A lot of men feel more emotionally connected when they ML to their wives so for that reason, I might be inclined to keep that intimacy.
Although, you know you're sitch best so if you feel it's crossing your boundaries...
I have to confess that made me laugh. 
I'd prefer my boyhood hero of Johnny Bench over Justin Bieber though.
You definitely don't want to enter reconciliation too soon. I think the more you can do to improve yourself and GAL, the more patience you will have.
Okay, okay...I'll stop with that!