Just Be 2

[~ kd ~]

Something about...

(long term) consistent behaviour... that sticks... that the WAS may eventually "believe it"...

[♪CS♪]

consistent behaviour.

^^^^^^^

(even with the funny British spelling )

[Denver_2010]

I believe I see this much like Starsky. I also see a pretty consistent thread running through the advice you've been receiving on this issue, Denver.

It seems to me most people agree with some version of 'I need some space, please let's limit contact to finances and kids' or, alternatively, and what I hear 25 saying, if she's going to contact you reasonably even if it's just to take your temperature, you have an opportunity to demonstrate some loving detachment and wind up the exchange with a quick 'Take care' that lets her know you intend to be polite and considerate but you're ending the conversation.

I think either approach would be preferable to responding and then just checking out. Seems a bit rude to me. I do know how challenging it is to walk the fine line though and it's just my opinion.

I agree. I will clean it up in one of those two ways. I haven't decided on which. Thanks Dantes, Starsky, CS, 25, MHL, and Gritter....

Denver

For the record, it's not that I don't think 25's way can work. It's that I don't think you can pull it off. NOT a knock, Denver -- just an observation. Because you're still very enmeshed with your wife, emotionally, and because she's so shrewd, I think she will very quickly learn to use any such exchanges as a means with which to draw you back into an R talk.

I of course could be wrong, but you have a pretty long observable track record now from which to gauge each method's likelihood of success.


Starsky

Maybe Starsky, but my attitude is much different than it was even 3 weeks ago.

[cat04]

Denver, have you thought about what you need from her for you to give the M another shot?

I have CS.

1. Clear statement of commitment and desire to work on M.
2. Some clear action showing true commitment to work on M.
3. Willingness to begin MC.
4. Willingness to sign up for and go to Retrovaille.
5. No contact with OM.
6. Show me how she is going to accomplish no contact with OM.
7. Some sort of transparency plan for both of us until trust is reestablished.

Denver,

I asked you this question many many months ago.

I will be really honest and say I don't like your answers. They are not specific enough.

They are very focused on the immediate problems and really have nothing to do with how you envision reconciliation...

What do you envision the M looking like?

Are you guys friends? Are you equal coparents? Are you partners?

What do you want your future to look like? Who are you and what feeds your soul?

A huge house in the city? A shack in the mountain? Fishing and hunting and a relaxing life style and someone who loves to cook and craft and be simple? Parties and lights and the "nightlife" on the weekends?

Right now, you are in limbo, although a bit different than what you were...

You have created a situation where she is showing a bit of interest (and yes, she is trying to engage R talks and find out what you are doing)...

You are still looking toward the goal of reconciliation but you don't know what you want beyond that...

Your OW, while giving you your "mojo" back, has also distracted you from knowing yourself. Knowing what you want...

She is giving your W the opportunity to feel jealousy. Is that the reason you want her to return to you?

Why do you want her to return? What is it about your W that makes HER the person you want to spend your life with?

Answers that will serve you...

Answers that you don't seem to have a great grasp of...

You have complicated the situation with the OW. You are now having the great "no contact" debate on your thread...

Regardless of contact or none, regardless of the OW, you still have bigger issues to look at, bigger questions to answer, and I think you are doing a wonderful job avoiding those things...

[Lotus]

Denver,

It took strength for you to not cave and invite your wife to the concert. Good for you! Losing Denver has meaning.

[Denver_2010]

Cat - I have a pretty good idea of what reconciliation would look like and what kind of life, and M, that I want to see W and I have.

Basically, I want what W wanted all of these years, but I either wasn't ready for or resisted for some other reason.

Now that I want it, W doesn't know if she does.

Lotus - Thanks. It is very difficult not to reach out to W right now.

[Denver_2010]

Update -

Well, this is going to be brief since I have not had any contact from W since her text message on Friday when I was going to that concert.

I have really, really struggled since she and I had contact on Thursday and Friday of last week.

I think that I had gained a level of detachment up until then that is now gone.

I think that detachment was much easier before W told me on Thursday that she loved me and missed me... but she still doesn't know what she wants.

Basically I've spent the past 4 days wondering what, if anything, is going through my W's head. Does she think about our sitch non-stop as I do? Is she concerned that she is losing me? Is she doing any self reflection at all? What is she thinking about OW and me?

I know... waste of time wondering.

I continue to be emotionally exhausted from all of this and wonder how much longer I can endure. Of course, I am blown away that I have been able to endure this for 9 months... so who knows.

But there are times, everyday, that I just want to reach out to W and try to convince her to give this M a chance. I know that I can't do this though.

-------

I purchased tickets to a concert for W, SS and I that is one week from tonight. I purchased these tickets BACK IN JUNE...

I don't know what to do about the tickets. I know that going with W is not an option right now. So I either use the tickets myself, sell them, or give them to W so that she can take SS and someone else. Thoughts on what others think that they would do with this would be appreciated.


BITS
Denver

P.S. Cat - you asked me if I wanted W to come back bc she is jealous. The answer to that is 'no', BUT if W being jealous causes something in her to snap and realize that she does NOT want to lose me and that she does want our M to work, then that would be fine with me.

[LearningPatience]

Boy, why does this sound so familiar?

Not sure what to tell you Denver. You know in my case, I ended up going to the concert with W and it turned out well. Based on the last few weeks between you and your W, I'm not so sure I'd give the same advice to you.

Is the concert something that either you or your W looked forward to more? If so, maybe the one who wanted it more could go. Just one thought...

[Telemark]

Denver, regarding the concert tix...I would NOT give them to your W; you will spend that whole evening obsessing over who she ended up taking along with the SS, I think.

Can you go w/ SS and a MALE friend? An impartial MALE friend? Or one of SS's friends?

[Lotus]

I agree. Don't give them to her. Either take other people or sell them. There are consequences for decisions. You have been her social calendar for too long.