Thought it would be done by now...part 2

[AJM]

Life, may I point something out? You are watching him like a train-wreck. That's where the pain comes from. He is a train-wreck. While he is a train-wreck like that, the D papers aren't likely to wake him up. He knows and hasn't figured out how to stop. He may not know enough to help himself. Yet.

He won't either, until he decides he doesn't like what he's doing enough to change it.

It's not uncommon for relationships to be stronger after major events. Your kids may very well have a much better relationship later and as 25 pointed out, don't have any regrets later. i.e. don't say anything to damage the kids relationship with their father. You'll be glad you bit your tongue and supported the kids and their relationship. No matter what comes of that, it is the best thing for your kids.

Don't be fake, but be honest. If you don't know something, don't guess.

Take the high road and support them. You'll be glad later.

AJ

[lifejustgothard2]

YOu are right. It is a train wreck that he must be finding some enjoyment in though.
Maybe he says all this stuff to keep me hanging although when I don't contact him its as if he has forgotten all about me or kids. I initiate the few interactions. So, hard to believe he is hanging on. I still do not believe he wants a D.
Too much pride to bring him back though. Such confusion. I thought I was done trying to figure this out and now here I am again!! I hate it.
I believe the papers will not do anything. Just my opinion though. He will sign and think he is done with nightmare.

I had a friend of his call today and ask that I don't give up on him! I have held on for a year. H gave up on us!! HOw much am I to endure?!?! ANd my kids?!? Time for him to squirm. I am angry today.

[AJM]

I can see the anger. I don't blame you. I was angry and still do get angry sometimes, even though it's now a few years post bomb.

But that's interesting his friend called you.

As for giving up. Detaching and giving up are very different things. Detaching is what you to protect yourself. To heal. Giving up can happen either before or after you detach, but I can tell you that detachment will happen regardless.

When you step back and look at things, one thing you should know is that your husband is doing what he knows to do. I doubt seriously he enjoys causing you pain. Or living in pain. But I suspect he doens't know what else to do and even may believe that a divorce will be the thing he needs. It won't help and I suspect he knows that somewhere deep inside.

Hang in there. You have your doubts but you can always quit. I suggest you try detachment before you do. It's way easier if you detach first.

AJ

[lifejustgothard2]

This is why NC is best for me. Any contact stirs up emotions that I thought were healing. i guess not. I do recover quicker though.
I think if I do not hear from H by this week I will have him served. Enough is enough. I will not have any more contact with him unless he initiates it. Thats what I will paying my L for.
I do hope that NC does help me heal because sometimes it feels like I am just stuffing what I need to say or do.

[25yearsmlc]

I hear you, I get it. NOT judging or telling you which is right or wrong.

I would surely be entertaining the same things you are.

I want to just make a small comment about the "Kids mourning losing what they thought you were"... which is partly a guilt trip AND partly you just being real...but I think we might want to

give him something to live UP TO, (as in, the formerly Cool involved dad he was)

rather than letting him off the hook with the

"guess you changed now, and so you are a loser (so go ahead and act the part)"
story.

It also, ironically, makes it harder for him to try and come back, at least to the kids. Remember, at least vis a vis the kids

Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth...

IOW, even if you are done being his w, which I get,

we all know and hope he at least returns to being a dad. SOME time with his kids would be better than what they're getting now.

So mention the good times and happy things the kids are doing and let him know he has a standing invite

and then maybe, you move on...

moving on does NOT equate to giving up but you DO have to move on Life.

Otherwise you're not detached from the ongoing train wreck. And you must detach my friend....

no healthy choice exists.

make sense?

[lifejustgothard2]

Thank you for the replies.
I am sorry to say I DO NOT want to keep the road home, paved and smooth. He made all the cracks and bumps-he can walk it like that if we are worth it. I know I am angry and I have every right to be. IT is ALL about him and I am sick of it. He has been making himself happy for the last year and I am still catering to someone who traded us in for another family. Forget it. He isn't worth it.
I am sick of the lies. I am sick of his tears. Wether real or fake. He can do something if he truly is regretful and misses his kids. I am not doing ANYTHING anymore to make his life easier. Sick of it.
Does he know how much hes changed? I feel like if I don't point any of this out it is as if he's getting away with what he's done.

I know you are not judging me and I appreciate the feedback. I know I am a bit wishy washy because I still do love him and my family. I would've done anything to keep us together. Not anymore. Not at any price..
If this is the real man he has always been that would throw his family under the bus for a OW and beer then he can have it ALL!

He is now just a paycheck to me.
And, yes, I must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!

[AJM]

That's kind of how anger is, isn't it? Anger can be a healthy emotion as long as it doesn't go too long. What you want to learn is to let go of the anger. Regardless of why or how, you do need to let it go. It's not easy. And it has to be done regardless of the future or non-future you and he have. The anger only hurts you and your kids at this point - you can't hurt him any more than he is hurt. That's the irony. The difficulty is not having the perception of any kind of control. You can't "fix" it. Only he can. But you can let go of the anger and you can detach. You will at some point; the question is whether or not you let him have a way home or not and when you let go of the anger.

Be angry. Just don't let that anger hurt your children or specifically their relationship with their dad. That's lasting hurt that you do control.

When you are ready, let the anger go. Actively work to let it go now else it will be longer.

AJ

[beatrice]

A very good post, but don't feel guilty about feeling angry. It is a normal and healthy feeling and response to horrible behaviour [whatever the underlying cause].

I totally agree about not letting it go on for too long, but I really did have to get rid of it before I could move on. And it is our journey too.

[lifejustgothard2]

But, I honestly think he isn't hurting. Maybe all the crying on the phone is fake. It has to be. He never acts on his regrets! Just talks about them but does nothing.

He has thrown us all away! For what??? Claims hes not happy but he's not showing up for work and out of town all the time. It has been suggested to me he is so caught up in his A that he can't think about anything else! Really!?!? Gross. What is so great about OW? The s@x? In his state of mind!

[25yearsmlc]

Life,

I meant to keep the road home paved and smooth TO THE KIDS...not necessarily back to you.

I accept how you feel. Your anger is natural and understandable, for sure.


At some point, you may find as I did, that my anger was consuming ME and making me not as available to my children.

In effect they lost both parents at that time. That's when I worked on it.

Take care of you for now.