Two of you hit on something that is irrelevant, yet compelling. Two different perspectives.
Does my W's family REALLY think I'm trying to scr3w her...?
I'm guessing the odds are split on this one.
On one hand, I'm guessing they may not be completely aware of the sitch. Of course, why would they be? Any info they have is certainly one sided.
So either they DO or they DO NOT think that.
And... maybe they DO or DO NOT know how "bad" the sitch really is... ie. "We've decided to D amicably."
Either way, I think that they have NO idea what's really going on here and whatever conclusions they draw through this, will be their own, tainted by whatever information comes their way.
But it's interesting...
So what do I do?
Well, I think I play back to the conversation that D8 and I have had, a couple times over the last few months.
I will call D8 up tonight and remind her that we had a conversation that I would not be at her b-day on Sunday, but that I HAD promised to call her that day, and I will.
AFAIK, D8 still wants my W and I to get back together again. She apparently tells me one thing and my W another, on "other" things such as visits. Like any child, she does not want to hurt my feelings nor my W's. She does not want to "pick sides" and SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO.
I have told D8 that I would be having a separate party for her. She was "OK" with that, at the time.
Either my W is "feeding" D8 thoughts, or she's not being honest with D8, or... IDK...
But this HAS TO END...
To that, my W (who would not have "the talk" with the kids when we initially agreed that we were splitting) needs to be a little more open and forthcoming with the kids. And if not, she will lie to the kids... to D8... and project some crap idea about me because I will not go to the party... and there's nothing I can do about that...
Will it help or will it hurt if I do not go?
Will it help or will it hurt if I DO go?
If I go, D8 will come to any number of conclusions. The WORST conclusion will be the continued hope that my W and I will work things out. She will likely always have this hope. I would rather not walk down a path that actions might raise that hope.
It could also hurt because D8 will feel any uncomfortable elephants in the room.
If I DO NOT go, D8 could be hurt because her hopes may be dashed. As sad as that is, it is a reality that I cannot shelter her from.
Any other opinions in the room if I go or do not go, are none of my concern.
My W is doing this for HER OWN SELFISH REASONS. And USING D8 as the tool to get her way.
She could easily tell D8 that I will not be there. I've told D8 and I've told my W and I've told my family and my W knows this.
Rather, she chooses to continue to play some charade that families can simply come apart and everything else remains the same. A fantasy that she's trying to create.
She wants to blame me? I don't care. She can have yet another thing to blame me about.
So that's the card I will most likely be playing in another hour and a half, in case someone else wants to weigh in, yet...
First, I'll give you my very biased opinion. I'd go. It's not about you, or your W, it's about your D8. No matter what you do, she will have hopes of you and your W getting back together. *If* both of you can handle this (relatively) maturely, your D8 will appreciate it, and if there are other kids there, she'll be wrapped up in them anyhow.
I was the WAS in my 1st M, and even though my ILs were pretty cold to me for a while (understandably), we always had single parties for my kids. No drama, it wasn't about us, it was about them.
I understand your back and forth thoughts about this. It's called analysis paralysis, where you keep spinning around between these thoughts. Really, the only way out of it is to just do something. Then, like CS said, no regrets.
My second thought, though I know some (maybe most) disagree to its relevance, is that it *may* matter what your W's family thinks of the sitch. You are tied to these people due to your kids. You will run into them from time to time. Can you do anything about what they think? I don't know. But I do believe that forewarned is forearmed. If they think you are the 'bad guy', your interactions with them will be different than if they think it's just a breakdown between you and W.
Take from this what you will. My not always humble opinion
Whatever you decide to do, if you feel it is right and can hold your head high while doing it, will work out fine!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I tried calling D8 last night and the phone was "busy" from 8:00p 'til at least 9:45p.
Pretty standard stuff between my W and FS16, I would say one of them was on the phone during that period of time.
So, I let it sit for the night.
LP, I really appreciate your input. What you say is very valid and the kids are so very important to me, I will always do what I can for them.
I'm also almost surprised that we haven't heard from someone who had been through this kind of thing as a child, and how it affected them.
Analysis paralysis, I could see that being an issue. Something that I had a propensity for, in the past. Years and years ago. Before I even met my W. Not who I am and not how I have operated for over 15 years.
The gut honest truth here? Before I even posted this, the very first time this came up with my W, the reality is... I don't know if I would make it through the evening. Even an hour... Regardless if the IL's and my W's friends, were there.
Could I TRY? Sure, I could try.
I am 100% sure that I am not yet detached enough.
And I WILL NOT risk an otherwise pleasant (as can be, under the circumstances) day for my D8, because I might have an emotional melt down...
If D8 picks up anything from ANYONE, it would be from me.
So the 10 minutes it took for me to read your post LP, and for me to write a portion of this post... it became very clear that I am not ready for this, yet.
How do I explain THAT to my W? Without it coming across as pursuing?
How do I explain that to D8, without her feeling down about it...
I can choose to tell them the gut honest truth, or I can simply tell them that this year... I am not prepared to have combined parties...
All I can do is hope to do the LEAST harm, by the choice I make. Protect D8 from me, and my emotions.
I thought someone above said that my W's request sounded reasonable and I skimmed and can't find it.
Yes, it did sound reasonable.
I responded with what I wrote above, no change.
My W responded back with...
"That's fine. I just wanted to extend the invitation ........ I'll let her know."
And then... we get a glimpse of who this person still is, regarding to D13's first match results:
"D13 just texted me and told me that she lost her first (match). They actually stopped it because she was too tired. Serves (coach) right for her massive weight loss. She ended up losing 9 lbs. Went from 117 to 108. I will let him know that this will NEVER happen again."
hmmmm...
Let's blame the coach for D13's loss...
She fought, she lost... What the coach did to put her into a different weight class is standard stuff. Not going to affect D13 due to her metabolic stamina. BTW: The weight loss was generated through a hydration / dehydration method. Medically acceptable.
No matter anyone's opinion on the coach or the potential for physical harm through weight loss... the point is...
My W continues to live the blame game... and no matter HOW reasonable she might sound, now and then... this is who she is... right now... blame, blame, blame...
