Do what I can but still have questions 3

[soccerwife]

Low point passed for today. The longer this goes on the more I think I may need meds to smooth out my crazy emotional swings.

H pursued me a little last night but I was too crazy inside to notice (he couldn't tell what I was going through because I am getting good at AAI). I mentioned that I have an appt on Mon w/o specifically saying it is a MC session. He new though and said that he has a meeting w/ his boss that he can't miss, and he seemed to feel bad about it. I actually don't want him to go to this session either because I would like to ask the MC what he thinks about all of the questions I asked on my long posts here a couple days ago.

After this next session, however, there will be little purpose in me continuing alone because this MC specializes in making couples reconnect through conversation, something that would be difficult to do if H isn't there. I am going to ask the MC if he can teach me how to get the conversations started and I can do it on my own.

It may work because I have come along enough in DB that H is willing to talk to me and I am capable of listening and validating, two of the things the MC teaches. The MC also teaches how to search deep to discover what you are really feeling about your partner and what you really expect of them, which I have also already done for myself. Hopefully, if H is still unwilling to attend the sessions, I can be taught how to help him explore these things without him knowing I am doing it.

[dbmod]

Soccer-

Check out the meds, maybe you need them, maybe you don't but you need to find out.

You have said a lot of things that shows you can give advice to yourself...which is wonderful. But now you need to DO it.


"You must be the change you wish to see. - Mahatma Gandhi "

and


"The MC also teaches how to search deep to discover what you are really feeling about your partner and what you really expect of them, which I have also already done for myself. "


What IS it concretely? What do you expect and hope for, besides the hugs. In other words...when you feel the other part of your marriage, the 'complement' -- what are you doing and what are you say?


In DB, we talk ACTION. One action precipitates another. Change your actions, you change your partner's....and the feelings follow.


Maybe this is just a bad day, and if it is more ongoing, meds might help (haven't read thru all of your threads today), but this concerns me:

"But none of those things complete me as a person. H is my compliment and I am in great pain without his love."


If you feel this strongly, you are likely communicating this to your spouse in actions, body language and/or words. It is likely to push him away--make the situation worse, and with this--counseling together may make the situation worse.

The last thing you need, if your husband is pulling away from you is more conversation. You need someone who can help you determine ACTIONS that will attract him closer.

[dbmod]

Okay, soccer, I did read through your last thread.

I see you are talking with Laurie, posting here working with a MC and reading lots of relationship books. This is normal, but it can be confusing when you get conflicting advice.

Laurie will not steer you wrong, so use us, the books and your MC for support and some brainstorming as needed. But as far as advice--choose Laurie's first. She knows exactly what to ask you and how to coach YOU to be your best solution detective. Her client is YOUR MARRIAGE. When ideas conflict or are confusing, go with what Laurie coached you.

Another tactic is... I know Laurie often asks questions that help YOU sort things out....so, ask yourself, what do I think Laurie would ask me right now. Ask yourself, is what you are doing bringing you closer together or is it pushing him further away (aka-- is he trying to spend time with you or is he avoiding you).

You have lots of hope, soccer. Take great care of yourself, and be confident in yourself, your goals and your marriage.

[soccerwife]

Thanks dbmod. Ya, today was a bad day but as far as bad days go... it was manageable and moderate. Plus, H didn't see me that way and hasn't seen that side of me for weeks now, not even in body language. I have hidden it well and when I can't hide it, I get busy and/or get lost.

My actions over the last couple weeks have undoubtedly made my H pursue me more. He is curious about what I am up to, more comfortable talking to me, and his mood has ever so slightly improved. We have even managed to be intimate.

I have certainly been asking myself Laurie's question a lot lately, "will this bring him closer or push him away?" And so far, each time I do, I am able to stop myself from doing something stupid.

About the GAL's not completing me as a person... i have to say I believe this even on good days. I have recently read "Hold Me Tight", but even before I read it I believed that emotional dependance is what marriage is all about. You will see from some of my beginning posts that I was really struggling with people telling me that I needed to detach myself. I also had a conversation about that with Laurie and she helped me look at it a different way. I whole-heartedly believe that I need my partner just as much as I needed my parents when I was a child and more so than I need my parents as an adult. We are bonded.

H has been giving me cues that he would like more conversation. I never initiate conversation but I am all ears when he does. And I never give an opinion unless he insists and even then, they are neutral opinions. He has criticized me on the neutral opinions but I am still going to choose the lesser of the two evils on that one. If I offer an opinion he doesn't like it is worse than no opinion at all.

I think I have managed to attract him because I am actually listening to him and validating his opinion, I am being very mysterious about what I am up to, and I have not pursued him one bit.

I have chosen Laurie's advice of all others and have been successful at weeding out the bad advice so far, but you are right, turning too many directions at once makes one dizzy.

Thanks again for talking with me. I do have hope and I am learning to take care of myself.

[soccerwife]

A whole day of GAL awaits me tomorrow. D5 and I are volunteering from 8am-1pm. Then I will come home and go for a run. Then I will go out to eat with friends in the evening.

H didn't call this evening to tell kids good night. He never worries about that as much as I do. I didn't call him either. I have no idea where he is this weekend and I think I am ok with it. This is a huge 180 for me. I hope I can hold out from calling him for the entire weekend.

Maybe if the phone rings I won't answer.

[dbmod]

Ok, I'm glad you are 'calibrating'. I will take your posts as 'venting' then. It makes a huge difference

So while you are holding out, make yourself truly happy. Have a great time--with the kids or by yourself.

[soccerwife]

Yes, I use my posts to vent a lot of the time. Laurie actually recommended that I journal to vent. Still, there is no way to make myself truly happy. I have a full life. I only lack love. I can find things to fill the time, keep myself busy, distract myself, but I always come back to the loneliness, self pity, and self-destructive thoughts. Like clockwork, it happens about every three to four days ever since the bomb, ILYB, was dropped.

Is this normal for LBS, or is there something wrong with me?

Today was another tough day, even with all of the GAL I got myself into ( I raised a good bit of money for a local non-profit today). I am still not feeling happy with myself or with life. H was not here to see my tough day, thank goodness. And by tomorrow when H gets home from his weekend of frolicking, I should have snapped out of it again, I hope. I will spend some time journaling in the morning to try to plan out the day so H doesn't see the aftermath of the craziness I went through over the weekend.

[soccerwife]

Ok, the kids and I will set out tomorrow for a day of "the real stuff". Hopefully before H gets home from his weekend of parties, living like a frat boy, with no responsibility, we will be off swimming and picnicing. He will get to come home to an empty house.

If I know him, he will come home expecting to get a hug from D5. Instead, the house will be silent and empty because the three of us are GAL. He won't know where we are because he didn't bother to phone home while he was having so much fun.

Later tomorrow evening, when I get home, I will go straight out for a run without pursuing conversation about his whereabouts over the weekend. (this is going to take effort). After my run, I am going to try my best to avoid conversation with him. This may be hard in light of the pain I have been through over the weekend. More on that tomorrow when I can thing straight (a bottle of wine is consoling me at the moment.)

[dbmod]

Soccer--

It is completely normal, you have to fight hard to get out of it. It takes a lot of self 'talk' -- control of your thoughts, treating yourself well.

For example, there's a difference in running for enjoyment that feels like self-love and self-care vs a type of 'punishment' or a 'you're not quite there yet' mentality, constant self-correction. Work hard to treat yourself with love and care, think great things about yourself.


I hope you had a very good day today.

[soccerwife]

H still not home from his fun weekend. I didn't call him once, so I am proud of myself. He texted me to say he would be late, whatever that means. Then he called to say goodnight to the kids, who he hasn't seen since Thursday (hope he feels good about himself). We had a family dinner tonight without him because he was having dinner with friends. When he called, I said I was busy with things and had to go. I reminded him that I have an appointment tomorrow and he said he has to meet with his boss. It was my impression that he would choose to go to MC tomorrow if he didn't have to meet with his boss.

He seemed to be in a very good mood when he called which I should consider a success. Normally when he leaves for a couple nights he comes back in a very fowl mood, as if it pains him to walk back through the door after having fun and no responsibility to be greeted by a nagging, crazy, emotional wife. I will not greet him that way this time. I am trying to decide if I should greet him AAI everything is fine and I missed him or should I be sleeping and ignore him. I suppose, if it isn't too late, I will greet him AAI. If it is late, I will not wait up, because that is when my emotions get out of control.

I didn't have a "good" day but that was more due to worry than anything else. As far as my bad days go, it wasn't too bad. I was still able to get out of bed and go do some things. I smiled a little. I went running. I did a little cleaning. And the kids and I spent a few hours swimming and picnicing.

I am feeling a little hopeless today. I am worried that my LRT is making him feel like it is ok for him to leave because he knows that I am going to be fine. I am also worried that he is willing to stick around for a while not because he thinks something might change, but that I will agree to an amicable separation in a couple months when nothing does change.

Should I push these worries aside and try to just be thankful that he is here so I can better DB? I think Laurie might have told me not to think too much into the reason why he does things and just accept them as they are, primarily because reasons can easily change, and true reasons are often hidden.